Would You Rather Give Up Sex or Booze for a Year?, Plus a Guy Accidentally Banged His Friend’s Wife

by 6 years ago

Q: Would you rather go a year without: Any kind of sexual contact (sex, kissing, masturbation) or a year without any alcohol or drugs (including medicinal drugs like Advil)?

A: No sex or jacking off for an entire year? Goddamn, I can see my laundry basket brimming with last night's soon-to-be crusty underwear right now. Hell, I’d even be having wet dreams while I was wide-awake, which doesn’t sound too awful except for when semen slogs down my thigh at the most inopportune times.

Girl: “Oh my God, what's that huge wet spot on your pants?!?”

Me: “Just a little puddle of jizz, dollface. Here, let me get you a straw.”

And I could get away with saying that because at the time I'll be so high and drunk that splooging all over myself will seem inconsequential.

Ability to have wet dreams aside, you’re putting your life in danger by giving up meds. As much as I’d like to think I could do it, you can’t beat pneumonia by whacking off. Lou Gehrig’s disease, maybe. But pneumonia? No way. And what if you got a killer bout of gonorrhea on day two of this year-long voyage? Your whole year would be ruined, not to mention that sex life you sacrificed so much for.

Q: The Bro in me is telling me to not even ask this question, but the man in me needs a little reassurance that I'm not the anti-bro. So last weekend, my usual group of friends (who happen to be co-workers) got out-of-hand-drunk. One friend passed out on the floor, and his wife and I stayed up and drank. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her. No condom (rookie mistake 1). She wasn't on the pill. (rookie mistake 2). I was too drunk to 100% say I didn't do it Asian porn style and cream pie her. We talked the next day, her husband doesn't know, but she had concerns about the protection situation. Question being, do I tell her I might have laid my seed and let him rear my bastard child or not tell her and hope the semen gods are smiling down on me?

A: Ooof! That's some question/predicament/f*cked up shit.

What's done is done; I won't even go into the otherworldly levels of scumbagness you've attained by raw-cocking your friend's wife, while he was passed out less than 30 feet away. Some economy-sized nutsack you have, my friend.

Oh, and that whore wife of his is a worthless pile of shit, too. But like I said, not going there. I don't like to judge if I can't also execute—it takes all the fun out of it.

I don't know what you intend your next move to be with your friend, but the only way for this to get swept under the rug is for his wife to take the next train to Abortionville. I suggest you offer to pay for her ticket.

Telling your buddy what you did would be noble, but I read enough Internet everyday to know that a crime of heinous passion could come from that. Silence is a bitch move, but it sure beats death.

Once you ensure your demon seed won't be exiting that human stain he calls a wife, make sure she has no intentions to ever tell him and then distance yourself from both of them. Completely cut your losses—go make new friends, preferably ones with unf*ckable wives (I'm talking chicks with serious physical beauty issues, real wildebeests).

After that, sweat it out and hope you never wake up to the smell of your own gasoline-soaked body.

Q: Would you rather have Kate Upton for a night or two non trashy girls that are willing partcipants and are 10s?

A: You don't turn down the opportunity to f*ck someone famous. So I'd pick Upton, even if she currently had overly expressive Bell's Palsy, or she magically transformed into Melissa Etheridge halfway through, or both. 

Q: Would you rather have your mom get absolutely railed by Mandingo or have your best friend make sweet loving sex to her while you watch?

A: Without question I'd take the Mandingo situash. No need for two people's lives to be ruined. And anyone that opts for choice B probably stayed on mommy's tit a few years too long.

Q: For a good-looking Bro, is it better to join a frat of similar men and be just average amongst your peers, or is it better to be in a frat of average dudes and be the best looking at parties?

A: Could you possibly think any less of yourself? Contemplating joining a fraternity full of ugly guys because you don't want competition from other good-looking dudes? Laughable. I think you've lost your mind, or you've willingly thrown it out to sea, or you suck fistfuls of dick to be around and have nothing to offer outside of moderately attractive looks.

Which one is it?

I've got news for you, if you surround yourself with table scraps you're going to bang nothing but dogs for the next four years. Ugly wingmen are of no help, fat sororities with one decent looking girl will probably be all those dudes mix with, and the guys in the fraternity that make you look “average” will be out at bars and parties so you'll be competing with them anyway.

You have to join the frat with dudes you'd want to hang out with for the rest of college. Even if that means you'll be just another pretty face. Remember, it's better to sometimes get stuck with a 7, while your friends take the 9s, than it is to have to compete for her.

Q: Would you rather take a shot of Ray Lewis' diarrhea or Tom Brady's semen?

A: Lot of ins, outs, and underlying personal factors to this question.

In Brady's favor he's lead me to numerous fantasy football championships, a fact I can't overlook. In Ray's favor, he's a Cane (like me), he doesn't wear UGGs (also like me), and eating shit sounds far less homoerotic than semen. Although it's still shit and I've smelled enough of my own to know it's not something I'd ever want lingering around my mouth for an extended period of time, or at all. Also, Ray's a badass, eating his asshole vomit could be parlayed into street cred—if by some chance I decided that life was even worth living after I did it.

Final answer: Ray's Rhea (new brand of BBQ sauce?) chased with a bullet out the back of my head.

Q: So my girlfriend and I had been dating for about 8 months until we decided to take a break while she goes to study abroad for fall quarter. Before she left, we decided that it would be okay to hook up with other people, but after just a week of being there and seeing girls with long distance boyfriends, she changed her mind and is asking that I don't hook up with other girls. What do I say to convince her that I am in the right and that she should enjoy her time abroad without worrying about me hooking up with other girls?

A: Even with your arrangement staying the way it is, it's hard to imagine a scenario where she comes back next semester and your relationship resumes right where it left off. Although you both agreed to hook up with other people she's bound to harbor some level of paranoia that she gave you a foot and your dick went apeshit taking 100 yards. And you sound like the guy that wants to spend this next 5-month clip of life going goal line to goal line.

You did the honorable thing suggesting a soft break — you know better than anyone that you can't possibly go without sex for five months—but you might've been better off just completely ending it because if you now agree to not hook up with other girls, anytime you step out of line it's going to be considered cheating and you'll end up looking like scum.

Trying to convince her that hooking up is alright will likely come across as self-serving, because it is, but that's your only hope; agreeing to stay together, that'll only paint you into a corner. Just point out how this is a once in a lifetime experience FOR HER and that she shouldn't waste it by worrying what you’re doing or talking to you on Skype for hours every day.

Q: When I was a freshmen, I was really drunk at my frat and my slam piece for the night had left. This fugly fat girl lured me over to her sorority with promise of nachos. Yes, I got the nachos but was cornered in her room after and had to make out and get my dick dry rubbed to leave.

Over the next few years (I have since graduated) whenever she is around, even when I am with a girl or with a group of my bros, bitch brings up the time she mouth raped me! How do I tell this bitch to step off without being a total douche? I know this is a question from the past but god forbid it happens again…

A: I don't want to send you into a panic or anything but if she's bringing this up to you, imagine the lies and rumors she's spreading to others. As far as you're concerned, that night was nothing, an unimpressive notch, but to her it was f*cking magical, the defining hook up of her life. Hell, after you left she probably licked the dried jizz off her hand and finger blasted herself while lying in a pile of nacho crumbs. 

The reason she keeps brining it up every time she sees you is because she wants nacho night again. No doubt in my mind that's her motive. Some malfunctioning wire in her head is causing her to think you enjoyed it and didn't spend the following week pouring bleach on your junk. To stop her from doing this, just pull her aside, as to not publicly embarrass her or give her a reason to start spreading “Seth has a little dick” rumors, and tell her it’s not okay to constantly bring up the past and if she does it again, your going to start ignoring her, which is what should be happening in the first place if she's as disgusto-deluxo as you say she is.

Q: Truth be told, im no sexual deviant, but my girlfriend of 2 years is a squirter; and it brings me great pleasure when her toes girl and geyser erupts. Bro or not Bro?

A: Bro as shit. Provided feces are Bro. 

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm and submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

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