Why Do Guys Think They Can Turn Lesbians Straight? Plus the ‘Cleveland Snowball’

by 4 years ago


Ask a Bro. Coming in tepid.

Q: I have a longterm girlfriend, arguably the hottest catch on campus. She’s a beautiful, intelligent, musically talented, delicate, Punk Princess and always has eyes on her. I’m lucky enough to be the girl that got her.? I’d like to say that we’re a pretty evenly matched couple in looks and intelligence.

My question is, why do some ‘bros’ feel the need to invalidate our relationship? We’re openly committed, with rings on our fingers, but yet everyday I feel like there is some new male that views our relationship as an obstacle he has to over come to nail one or both of us. Is there something about a decent looking lesbian couple that makes us seem unworthy of uninterrupted love?

A: Let’s set the record straight: To some dudes, you and your girlfriend are only lesbians because you haven’t encountered the guy who is so irresistibly perfect that you couldn’t possibly continue going on living without exploring the depths of his penis, which, in reality and compared to the 12-inch strap-on you’ve grown accustomed to, will feel like you’re being fucked by the plastic tip on a shoelace.

Who is this all powerful man, you ask? Well, it’s every idiot who thinks he’s mastered the art of seduction to the point of being able to turn lesbians straight. He’s also the same guy who would get visibly upset if a gay guy told him he wasn’t attracted to him. Because THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Some will even go as far as trying to find out why said gay man isn’t interested. “Bro, have you seen this ass?” *pulls down pants* *flexes ass cheeks* *pops blood vessel in his eye* “Look at those striations. You can’t tell me you don’t want to fuck that.”

O.K. Maybe that was a slight dramatization, but you get the point. And that point is: there will be no shortage of these guys coming in and out of your life. Get used to it, or get an uglier girlfriend.

While were on the topic of lesbians…

Q: Please settle an argument. If a bro bangs a chick who later comes out as a lesbian, does she count towards his number? How about a chick who bangs a dude who later comes out as gay?

A: They count. Unless that girl who up and decided she was a lesbian told the guy, “You, your dick and your overall inability to please any part of my body were the driving forces behind my decision to become a lesbian.” If that happened, which is unlikely because being gay isn’t a choice, the sex might not count, because at that point you could argue if what they did together would even be considered as “having sex.”

Q: What do you think would happen if everyone had to keep a public, online log of the porn they jerked off to or a jar full of your loads for your entire life.

A: #JizzJar  #DJJazzyJizzJar #KingJaffeJizzJarJoffer #RulerOfZamunda #OK #IllStopNow

I’ll tell you what would happen in this twisted picture you just painted: People would masturbate a heck of a lot less, the Jehovah’s Witnesses would start winning, and the streets would be lined with starving jerk off artists too scared to practice their craft. Oh, and everyone else would be MISERABLE.

That said, compared to the jar-o-jizz, the public log would be a WAY bigger deterrent on several levels. You’d still whack it, because you’re human, but you’d probably be churning out nut butter to the most pedestrian shit possible so you don’t become a social outcast for your offbeat sexual desires. You watch videos of girls jacking off guys with their feet? Foot porn? What kind of monster are you?!?! Fetish porn wouldn’t stand a chance in that world. And maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it would cause more people to try their fetishes with actual humans rather than just getting their rocks off into a Kleenex while some guy on screen gets to act out your fantasy of a Cleveland Snowball — which is having a girl take a beefy dump on your chest while simultaneously cream pie-ing your load from 3-minutes back into your mouth. (That move doesn’t exist yet, but in this sick “porn log” world it would be born from necessity, I’m sure of it!)

So where do I go from here with this answer? Probably to the next question, since I left every shred of dignity I had left back in that last paragraph.

But before that, let’s sink a little lower. Doesn’t Jen Selter’s ass look like a Mickey Mouse Ice Cream bar in this photo?


Why, yes, it does.



Moving on…

Q: My roomate/best friend is in a constant cycle of breaking up with girls then not getting laid for months. After a couple months he dips his standards well lower than any man should and in fear of another drought ends up dating them. Im talking introduce to the family, buy expensive gifts dating. And he knows he doesn’t care about them at all but yet he has continued to do this with 4 hideous girls over the past year. Should i say anything to him or let him continue down this embarrassing path.

A: His time. His money. His eventual black hole of regrets… I say let the stupid bastard drown.

I suppose that’s harsh, but I really think you should save your time and energy for saving people who really need help. Sure, this guy could use a helping hand, but that’s because he’s a fucking dipshit, not a victim or addict.

Q: I met a girl over Tinder(YES TINDER, it works surprisingly well, have met many girls and I’m gonna need to meet more after what happened) we went on 3 dates over a month. She is a busy person and timing wasn’t always great but we still made the time to hangout and keep seeing each other. After our 3rd date I finally kissed her and she kissed me back, we held hands and it felt like things were right. Then I made the mistake of being assertive and pressuring her into hanging out with me more. After about 2 days she replied saying:

“Hey “Daniel”. You’re a good, funny and interesting guy so I agreed to go on dates thinking I had enough time. But the truth is I don’t. There’s so many things I want to accomplish. Like school, a friend and I wanna open a restaurant, I want to get my Masters in Europe. Ect. I want to be honest with you before things get serious. Also you didn’t do anything wrong. Every time we hung out I had a good time so I would like to keep in touch. Never know what can happen in the future.” 

I pretty much said that I understand and that I had a nice time getting to know her, I might not be ready to

be her friend right now because I like her and it might be weird.. she then said…“I liked you too but not the right timing. It was a good experience for me too. Thanks for being understanding. If you ever want to be friends, let me know. If not, I wish you the best in life:) “

Trust me. I know it looks incredibly shitty, and honestly I think it’s because I pressured her to hangout more or because she’s not into me or wants to see other people. I personally always think there is time during the day or night for a few dates a month and there can be a romantic element. She wants to be friends with nothing romantic, no hookups, she said shes not like that(or just for me?). And I like her so I have been highly considering keeping her as afriend just in case. But I do think shes letting me down easy for now, and might actually consider me later if she does become a good friend but maybe I only think that because I want her so bad.. I want more opinions even thought I know the view is overall not pretty.

A: Hey Daniel, to paraphrase someone you might know….You’re a good, funny and interesting guy  But there’s so many things I want to accomplish. Like not answering the rest of this question, because if you can’t see the “IT’S YOU, IT’s 100% YOU” writing on the wall, nothing will open your eyes.

My advice to you is MOVE ON, because Big Aspirations Betty is never going to let you unhook her bra.

Q: Well its like i have a girl friend whom i fucked 3 months ago before moving and i’ve been tested negative for HIV. i’ve a girl whom i’m fucking she’s also HIV negative, no anal involved whatsoever ,are the any chances of infection or HIV contraction???
A: If English is your first language…TRY HARDER. Fuck.

And to my knowledge, two HIV free people can’t just up and give each other HIV.

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[Cheating image via ShutterStock]


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