How to Survive Her Bachelorette Party
That’s the way of the world. Those of you who aren’t there yet should keep living the lascivious lifestyle for all it’s worth. God knows you can’t go back, no matter how much you might want to. Those who are there already, however, will have to deal with a bachelorette weekend.
And it’s brutal. Your mind will wander. You’ll question God in a moment of weakness.
I know this because it just happened to me. But through pain and mistakes come knowledge and learning. I’ve compiled a couple of can’t-miss tips to help you cope with this trying time. Heed this advice, betrothed brethren, or forever hold your grudges.
Ignorance is bliss
Trust me, you don’t want to know what’s going on. My fiancée went to Las Vegas, a place where unfaithfulness is celebrated alongside neon lights and flamboyant tiger trainers. I knew who was going, which is also something you should avoid learning. Knowing that your love’s loosest friends will be calling the shots won’t help your mental status. The thought of them triple-teaming a Brazilian tourist won’t help the time go any faster. Disregard anything those public-service announcements told you. Knowledge isn’t power, it’s a mind f*ck.
Hide your phone
Under no circumstances should you call, text, or check up on your bride-to-be. Not only does this send giant insecure messages, it will also hamper her from really enjoying herself. If she feels like you’re playing parole officer on her game of pin-the-dick-on-the-drunk-guy, newer, more explicit rules may be introduced. Also, being at her beck and call gives her all the power. Don’t forget that you, too, are alone and a threat. Make her sweat it out a bit by not returning any drunk dials. Two can play that game.
Drink. A lot. It makes the time go faster, the apprehension melt away, and, well, it’s just a hell of a time. This is your weekend to go places you like. They don’t have to be approved by a third-party arbiter. Want to get wasted at 10 in the morning watching soccer? Do it. You’ve no one to answer to. Want to end up a strip club and not have to worry about washing the scent of high-priced gash off your person? Saddle up, cowboy.
Bachelor it up
The greatest downside to living with a woman is the constant nagging, especially about grooming, eating, and television-watching habits. Outside of a lucky few, taken men are forced to abandon their pizza-box living, Game-of-Thrones-marathon-watching ways. Not during this weekend. Personally, I ate chicken wings and threw the bones around the room like I was a dinosaur. No one said a f*cking thing. ADVANTAGE ME. Turn your house into Brazzers Central, if that’s your thing. She may be at Hedonism, but, dammit, you can go live there too.
Take some batting practice
Cheating is never a good route to take given this stage of the relationship. Do you even know how much money you have to put down as deposits on wedding-related items? You can’t recoup that. You get caught, and everyone knows. But nobody said you can’t play goose to her gander. Chat up the skankiest girl you can find and take it as far as you can without getting physical. The knowledge that you COULD have done something goes a long way and doesn’t come with the fear actual consummation brings.
Hang out with the people she hates
Luke with the drug problem? Sam with the loud mouth? Cherish the this free, untaxed time with all your buddies she can’t stand. They’ll likely have a lot on their mind, and if she doesn’t like them, probably won’t be afraid to say it either.
Buy flowers for her return
After a weekend of just abusing your body, dick, and the place you live, it’s time to show that you are the sensitive, caring, doting man she fell in love with. A moderately inexpesive trip to the florist shows that you were 1.) thinking of her 2.) caring and oh-so compassionate. If you’re lucky, she’ll be so grateful and pent-up with sexual energy, she’ll do things to you she hasn’t since she got a ring on it. OK, maybe that’s a fantasy, but a guy can dream.
This is important. You have your own bachelor party to go to. But if it hasn’t happened yet, you have incredible leverage. Play the psychological angle, always claiming she owes you something for being so cool while she was out on the prowl. The upper hand is vital. No one denies this.
Call off the dogs
It’s imperative that you don’t launch an in-depth inquiring into her actions. This means no Facebook stalking, camera browsing, or friend crowd sourcing. Chances are you won’t find anything damning, and, honestly, you don’t really want to know anyway. You don’t want her doing the same when you come home with a new tattoo and a questionable rash from your weekend with the guys. Damage control, people. Damage control.
By no means are these fail-safe. Nothing can stop you from thinking that dear, sweet wifey is out there getting some strange. The less you think about it the better. Take the three-day vacation to yourself. God only knows when you’ll get another opportunity.