Humans Used To Have Penis Bones But We Banged Too Fast And Were Monogamous So Now They’re Gone Forever

by 1 year ago


Hey, how’s your boner doing? Did you know that your boner could have been harder? No not from Viagra, but because prehistoric humans are believed to have had penis bones.

The first penis bone appeared in mammals between 145 and 95 million years ago. Most mammals have dick bones, but not all dick bones are created equal. In chimpanzees, the penis bone is tiny 0.075 inches, but walruses boast dick bones as gigantic as 4.5-feet! Poor lady walruses.

However, we humans don’t have baculum (fancy scientist speak for dick bones). In an aptly titled study, “Why? No? Penis Bone?” published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society, it may answer what happened to our precious penis bones.

“The common ancestors of both primates and carnivores had a baculum,” said Matilda Brindle, the study’s co-author. “Humans are quite weird as we’re one of the few primates that doesn’t have one.”

Probably for the best, could you imagine breaking your dick bone during sex?


You’d have to go to the hospital and leave with a lil dick splint supporting your shattered stiffy. That’d be hard to swallow.

Scientists theorize that Homo erectus had a dick bone but lost them about 1.9 million years ago. And scientists believe that monogamy is to blame. Monogamy ruins everything.

The researchers found that high levels of sexual competition between males predicted longer bacula.

“That’s probably the thing that finally got rid of our baculum, that we have more monogamous mating systems,” Brindle said.

Oh, and the other reason that humans lost their dick bones was because they fucked too fast.

Kit Opie, a postdoctoral research fellow at University College London who led the study, told The Guardian that penis bone length was longer in males that engaged in “prolonged intromission.” That means the act of penetration lasts for more than three minutes, a strategy that helps the male impregnate the female while keeping her away from competing males.

However, human males did the deed in two minutes.


Some may call that “disappointing,” but I’d like to classify it as “efficient.”

The study discovered “a clear [relationship] between the bone’s length and a species’ promiscuity: more promiscuous species had longer bacula.” Leonardo DiCaprio probably defied evolution and grew his bacula back. In monogamous relationships, the male does not need to spend a long time penetrating the female, because she is not likely to be leapt upon by other amorous males, researchers claim.

The nocturnal lemur fucks for around an hour and has a very long baculum. Meanwhile, the two-hump chump bonobo bangs only for a few seconds and has a teenie tiny dick bone.

So if monogamy robbed men of their dick bone, does marriage take away a man’s testicles?


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