Kentucky Man Gets So Baked, He Tries to Bake His Own Child

by 9 years ago

Most of us — aside from a noble few who are saving their livers for post-mortem donation — love to get royally f*cked up. Whether the poison of choice is booze, marijuana, or hardc*re narcotics, people our age tend to do mind-altering things in grotesque excess; often that results in us doing the craziest shit imaginable. Which is the point, right? Well, on Wednesday I saw a story that made me realize our lewd behavior and excessive lifestyle might have to change someday. No time soon, of course, but perhaps someday.

As CNN reported, a 33-year-old whiskey-loving gent by the name of Larry Long, is now the early front-runner for Father of the Year. The Kentucky native gained this notoriety by his actions a few evenings ago. Larry started his night, as he does every night, by smoking pot at work, and then he and his beautiful girlfriend (and I use the word beautiful in the loosest way possible), Brandy Hatton, cracked open a brand new bottle of whiskey when he got home. Up to this point, all of this sounds like child's play, but what happened next is as outstanding as it is horrifying. It is also probably pretty blurry to Larry so let me see if I can jog his memory by detailing how the events likely played out. This, by the way, is the only logical explanation, so I am 99% sure it's what happened.

10:30 p.m.: After taking four shots of whiskey, Larry's less than significant other Brandy decides to retire for the evening. Meanwhile, Larry is still downstairs with a full bottle of whiskey and the couple's five-week-old infant son — we'll call him Baby Richard.

10:45 p.m.: While the boys begin their evening of male bonding, Brandy takes off her leopard-print fanny pack, puts her false teeth in Polident, and says a prayer to a Richard Petty figurine before she slips under the covers.

10:46 p.m.: Larry spends the next 6 and a half minutes attempting to squeeze the bottle of whiskey into his favorite NASCAR koozie.

10:53 p.m.: He succeeds.

11:39 p.m.: The bottle of whisky is 75% gone and Larry decides he wants to watch some TV before he and Baby Dick call it a night.

12:01 a.m.: While channel surfing, Larry stumbles upon TNT. It's a Patrick Swayze marathon and “Dirty Dancing” is on. Jackpot!

12:05 a.m.: Larry tells Baby Dick about how handsome Patrick Swayze looked in “Road House” as he unconsciously begins to masturbate.

12:08 a.m.: Baby Dick shits his diaper.

12:37 a.m.: Brandy wakes up to pee. She is surrounded by Dale Earnhart memorabilia and a Confederate flag.

12:39 a.m.: Brandy flushes, slides in a new tampon, and takes a few drags of a Newport before returning to bed.

1:00 a.m.: The whiskey bottle is bone-dry and the shit-covered infant won't stop crying.

1:02 a.m.: Swayze delivers the line, “Nobody puts Baby in a Corner!”

1:03 a.m.: Inspired and irritated that Baby Dick's crying is ruining the movie, Larry shouts, “FUCK THE CORNER… I don't need a corner!”

1:04 a.m.: Larry picks up Baby Dick. He disregards the horrid shit odor seeping from the infant's diaper and tosses him in the oven. Yes, the kitchen oven.

1:05 a.m.: Overjoyed with his actions, Larry shouts, “Viva La Swayze!” He then prepares a Hot Pocket for himself.

1:11 a.m.: With his hunger satiated, Larry goes to bed. Shit-covered baby remains in oven.

5:30 a.m.: Brandy wakes up, puts in her teeth back in and finds Baby Dick in the oven.

5:35 a.m.: After cleaning the baby's ass, Brandy stomps up the stairs, slaps Larry in the face and screams, “What in the name of the great General Robert E. Lee were you thinking!?!”

6 a.m.: Stunned that he put a child in an oven, Larry calls a psychiatric facility and tells them what he had done claiming that the pot he smoked was laced with hallucinogens.

8 a.m.: The loony bin rats out Larry to the police and he is arrested and charged with first-degree wanton endangerment. Fast Forward to April 1st, 2010: Larry's family jokingly encourages him to commit suicide. Not realizing that its April Fools Day, he obliges them. No one seemed to mind, especially Baby Dick.