Anyone who knows me knows that my go-to meal is a cheeseburger and fries. I’m a simple lady, really. Throw me some McDick’s, some Wendy’s or even a combo from Checkers and I’ll be a happy camper for at least 10-15 minutes (but not Burger King. Burger King is for ratchet people who liked overpriced dog vomit unnecessarily drowned in barbecue sauce). You know who else happens to like cheeseburgers?
Homeless people! Er, maybe not all homeless people. I’m sure there are homeless people who identify as vegans up in Portland, because hipsters. But I know for certain that one homeless guy in particular, Michael Chaney, likes cheeseburgers. How? Because he cooked some for a married couple he’d just had a threesome with.
Y’know…normal homeless people stuff.
According to the Bay Area Times, homeless man Michael Chaney had been living with married couple Martin and Daniela Miller for about a week. Why so long? Because they were having dirty threeway hobo sex, obviously. Think Dirty Mike and the Boys:
Unfortunately, the threeway went south (get it get it okay I’m done) when Daniela kept bangin’ Michael the Hobo instead of her husband.
Daniela Miller was with Chaney at the hospital. She and Chaney gave police similar accounts, saying they and Martin Miller shared a sexual experience about three days prior. In the wake of that encounter, Daniela Miller and Chaney remained romantic without Martin Miller’s knowledge, Chaney said, according to court records.
“Martin became jealous after we had a threesome because Daniela started to distance herself from him,” Chaney said.
Even with MY dirt-low standards, my husband would have to be a fat, hairy, illiterate and never have made it past the 1st grade in order for me to bang a hobo periodically throughout an entire week. For whatever reason, Martin Miller doesn’t appear to fit into any of those categories.
He’s even a Marine. And while I’d like to somehow justify this next part, I there’s really no explanation for “Let’s throw hamburger meat at people in bathtubs.”
Earlier in the evening of Sept. 12, Chaney was cooking hamburger meat while the Millers were in a bathroom, they said. Chaney brought a spoonful of meat into the bathroom to have them taste-test it, but Martin Miller threw the meat into the tub in which his wife bathed, both Chaney and Daniela Miller told police.
Chaney brought a second spoonful of meat, and Martin Miller again tossed it into the tub water, the witnesses told police. Chaney told Miller to stop wasting food and walked into another room. Martin Miller followed him and threatened to beat him up, Chaney said.
Well if the Millers want to waste their hard-earned money on dumping hamburger meat into bathtubs, then so be it! Is it a waste of food? Obviously, but who gives a shit? If you were to send it to dying children in Africa it’d have spoiled by the time it got there, so you may as well be dumping it down the drain. I hear Bill Gates bathes in 80/20 Kobe beef before bed every night as a reminder to how loaded he is.
Chaney told Miller to go ahead, at which point Miller kicked him in the chest, pushed his wife out of the way and choked Chaney, both Chaney and Daniela Miller told police. Chaney said Miller told him he was going to kill him, then he blacked out. When he awoke, he and Daniela Miller walked to the hospital, they said.
Police went to the Millers’ home and spoke with Martin Miller. He confirmed much of the accounts given by his wife and Chaney, saying he threw the hamburger in the tub as a joke and that Chaney was being an “(expletive)hole.”
Yes, the homeless man you invited into your home was being an asshole. The clear choice here is to, well, make him homeless again aka kick him the fuck out of your house, but that’s just me. Maybe choking people is the better answer and I’m just being naïve. Either way, Martin was arraigned on one count of assault on September 15th, and is set to appear for a preliminary examination on Monday, September 29th on account of his bipolar disorder.
Color me surprised on that one.