What Do Girls Actually Think When a Guy Can’t Get It Up?

by 4 years ago


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Q: What are a female’s thoughts about a guy who can’t get it up for them?

Like the whole too much alcohol excuse, or whether it’s the girls fault that she can’t turn him on enough.

A: Let’s just start off at the most OBVIOUS jumping off point for my criticism here– you considering your inability to get a hard dick, potentially being the fault of the girl you’re trying to stick it in.

Right. Cuz that’s a valid excuse.

Think back to the first time you got hard in front of a girl; no doubt it was between 5th and 7th grade, while at school.

In front of your math teacher.

She was 45.

Did her pudgy muffin top and grey roots prevent you from popping a woody in the middle of an algebra lesson? Nope, not at all. Because all you had to do in order to achieve that trouser tent was daydream of touching the boob of the chick in front of you.

That’s all it took. And frankly, that’s usually all it takes these days, so don’t run around seeking a scapegoat for your erectile dysfunction.

You actively chose to take the girl home in the first place, so at some point you clearly thought she was attractive enough to get naked with. If your penis disagrees later in the night, that’s not on her, breau.

As for the too much alcohol excuse you mentioned, it’s sort of weak and frankly, can only hold up so long.

Not dissimilar to yo dick.
(Drops Mic)
Q: After hanging out with this girl twice, I tried messing around with her…now she says I am asshole and only want one thing, which wasn’t true. I just felt like she was giving off all of the signs but I guess I was wrong. What do I do to get out of the doghouse?

A: It would help me if I had a gauge on your age, because I think it would explain a lot. It sort of sounds like the chick in question can be no more than 15 years of age, which gives me that anxious creeped out feeling at the pit of my stomach..because these days, in the real (adult) world, everybody’s just tryna get theirs–man or woman. If a little game of How’s your

Father didn’t go down–you know, a little rough housing here, some grab-ass there–it would almost be a little weird.

Perhaps this candidate simply isn’t prepared, or of age, so let it go. Exit the doghouse at your own free will, and move on to a more age-appropriate and sexually adventurous lady friend. The last thing you need is the PTA knocking down your door.

Or worse, her father.

Sends shivers down me spine.
Q: I’ve been going on dates with this awesome girl. We have a ton in common and she’s super hot. We’re starting to get somewhat serious which makes me pretty nervous because I don’t want her to see me without a shirt on.

It’s not what you would think: I have a terrible tattoo of a Dave Matthews album on my chest. 

It’s completely embarrassing and I really don’t want it to be a turn off…how do I explain myself without looking like a total idiot?

A: Hm.

What’re we talking here, the swings from Under the Table and Dreaming? The flower from the lilywhite sessions? Please tell me it’s not the dancing lady from Stand Up.
Not that I’m all that familiar with his music–I’ve only seen him in concert around 11 times….Fuckin’ early 2000’s, man.

Unfortunately, your chesticle is basically screaming that exact line every time it’s exposed.

Fuckin’ early 2000’s, man.

Not to worry; tattoos from a young age are practically meant to be embarrassing. God knows the one I have is going to look like a scrap of worn leather by the time I’m a grandmother.
Mother, even. So it goes. These are the things that allow us to laugh, learn, and reflect on how the fuck we could ever be so dumb.

To answer your question, you’ve gotta rip the band aid and just straight up show this chick. If you’re embarrassed, tell her. She might even think it’s cute.

Hell; she might even still go to Dave Matthews concerts (is he still alive?) which would be super convenient for you.
Rather than sweat it, laugh it off and get to the good stuff–without the shirt on.
Q: Lately one my buddies has been going to cycling classes (Soulcycle to be exact) in the city and claims there’s a ton of babes there and I should come to a class. I’m a little apprehensive though because it definitely seems a little gay. Is it becoming the norm or should I steer clear?

A: There’s no doubt about it: dudes in a spin class can seem…a little gay. While it’s definitely one of the toughest workouts you can crank out in a 45-minute period, there’s something about a dude in spandex sweating all over a stationary bicycle that just…doesn’t turn me on. It just isn’t that straight. To counter my unintentionally homoracist remarks, (love the gays) I have multiple friends who have run into the likes of David Beckham, Jake Gyllenhaal, and numerous other celebrity babes who I can’t think of right now but are definitely straight and definitely on my to-bone list.

I think best practice is to try out a class with two of your straightest looking friends so as not to jeopardize your chance at getting the number of the chick spinning next to you after class.

Oh; and no spandex.
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[Impotence image via ShutterStock]


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