I’m In a Frat, So Why Am I Not Getting Laid?

by 5 years ago


Submit your Ask a Babe questions at the bottom.

Q: So I am pledging a fraternity and thought going to parties would be a “promise land” of thirsty guys and thirsty girls just waiting to slam until the party ends. Figured out that isn’t right at all, or is my game just off?

A: Well, Frattydude17 (yes, that’s actually how he signed his name) it’s pretty clear you pledged a fraternity based on a viewing of the film, American Pie; followed by Old School, followed by that movie about the teenagers who throw the biggest party in history and get abducted by aliens.

Thirsty girls just waiting to slam until the party ends? Come on, man.

Another thing to note here is the fact that you are still pledging. Which in actual English means, you’re a part-time slave and part-time bitch to every dude older than you; and all the girls they’re trying to sleep with.

At this point, your sexual being is the lowest of priority. Maybe not to you, but to everyone else around you.

The best advice I can give you is to be a little patient– your time will come, and when it does, you’ll be laughing at the pool of clueless pledges and the woes of their sexual frustrations.

Most importantly once you reach the “promised land”, never…ever….refer to anyone you’re trying to remotely be friends with as “thirsty.”

Q: So babe please help me, because I it really badly. I’m a senior in college and not the best when it comes to girls (but what guy really is?) Anyways, I met this girl at a party, (she’s not a 10, but there’s something about her- her smile and eyes really light up the world, and also her butt is really nice). We started talking in a somewhat friendly matter, and the keg was kicked so I invited her back to my place but the bad news was that she wasn’t really that drunk, so I knew that it wasn’t going anywhere, but maybe something would happen if I got lucky. So we’re chilling in my bed, laying down and talking.

Meanwhile, my 3 other housemates are up in the other room talking about stupid stuff, and after about 10-15 minutes she leaves and I overhear my friends saying I was trying too hard. So my question is how do I talk to girls, and not completely try that hard and seem desperate?

A: I think the bigger question here is, how do you find people to split rent with who aren’t blatant cockblocks. There’s nothing I hate more than thin walls but seriously, fuck those dudes.

It’s hard enough to get a girl back to your bed— a sexy, cool, sober girl no less–and you shouldn’t have to be worrying about the possibility of your roommates casually throwing salt on your game (and in your wounds).
And along those lines, another important thing to point out here is you doubting your success rate based on her level of intoxication.

…Not good practice.

If you genuinely gauge how likely a girl is to hook up with you by how unaware she is, you’ve got some adjustments to make my friend. If you succeed in getting her back to your apartment in the first place– not to mention all the way to your bed–it’s not by accident on her part.

Sure, she may not be as likely to talk as dirty or give you a strip tease, but she’s there for at least a little bit of action.

So take that and run.

Sound-proof your fucking walls and tell your housemates to politely fuck off.

Your final question of how you talk to girls and not seem desperate is a whole other can of god damn worms. If you’re seeking detailed information on the topic, you can sign up for my seminar in September– I’ll be holding it at your brothers place; in the basement of your family’s home.

Q: My girlfriend is unconventional in many ways. She’s been through more rough times in her, we’ll say, “short years” than many will in their lifetime. This can lead to some intriguing decision making.

Recently one of her ex-boyfriends passed away. The night before the funeral (which she never indicated to me she was going to in the first place) she asked if I would accompany her and I agreed, seeming as that’s what any supportive and caring boyfriend would do.

The morning of I received a text saying that some other guy (I suppose is the deceased’s cousin, from what I understand she also used to fool around with back in the day) wanted to take her, so she excused me of my escort duties that it took me all night to process and prepare for.

Am I in the wrong with being upset and frustrated with her with what would be appear to be a snap decision, or is this just a weird part of grieving that I’m not grasping?

A: Unfortunately I too have relatable grounds re: untimely deaths and subsequent “rough times”. Enduring the shit you never thought could happen in the first place, all before the age of 23, can be pretty fucking daunting.
And while I do get where you’re coming from–and I commend you for being a supportive, understanding boyfriend– it’s hard to allow yourself to get pissed or upset on your own behalf in situations like this. Your girlfriend is enduring a world of hurt and confusion right now, and even if she seems like a basket case at times, she reserves the right to do so by virtue of her experiences.

And she’ll come back to center eventually.

For now she’s just trying to process an unexpected void, how to process it emotionally, and how to appear somewhat put together for the other people she loves.

In all fairness by excusing you from the duties of funerary escort, she probably thought she was doing you a favor. Nobody wants to go to a funeral, even if they didn’t know the guy–and she probably felt that she was lifting a burden rather than inflicting frustration.

Be patient with her. Things will improve for her, and when things get bad for you, she’ll remember the support you gave her and return it without question.

Q: Dear (not J.Camm) Babe,
How often should bro’s get tested for STD’s? (The curable ones of course- if I got a permanent one I’d be the last person that wants to know.)

The reason I ask is because I know a bro who passed on chlamydia to his girlfriend, and neither had any symptoms, and she didn’t find out until a gyno visit. They’re still together; bless their hearts.

Also- should you do it at the campus clinic and have your mom foot the bill while learning her son possibly has a leaky faucet or suck it up and find a clinic nearby?

Any guidance would be appreciated.

-A paranoid, avid rawdogger

A: This one coming in from a “sweet Lou”, the avid rawdogger. Really digging the signatures this week. Sweet Lou, I just decided you and I would get along.

You seem somewhat self-aware, have respect for your sexual partners, love your mother, and hate condoms. Oh–and you realize I’m not a dude.

This could be a great start to a beautiful virtual friendship. Just don’t expect a whole lot of “giving” on my end beyond my advice regarding your sexual health.

While I of course understand the appeal of being blissfully unaware of any life-changing diseases you may have picked up in crackhouses, whorehouses or Hoboken, never knowing for certain will not help you sleep at night. So if you’re going through the effort of lab tests and potentially embarrassing results, it’s best to knock it all out at once. Rip the fucking band aid on the status of your penis’s well-being.

I’ve actually discussed this topic on more than one occasion with my guy friends, because it blows my fucking mind that dudes are barely encouraged to ask for tests when girls are actually required to take them on a (sometime bi) annual basis. Anyone can be a carrier of a disease, and I can’t fathom the shame and guilt attached to unknowingly infecting another person simply because I didn’t take the time to find out I had that disease.

Regarding how to approach the testing itself, that’s a personal preference. I would assume that any clinic bill would have a more discrete title than, “your son has been having unprotected sex with some questionable characters so he came in to have his dick checked out”; but if you’re worried about it, you can find a more private local alternative on the cheap.
Having a pledge inspect your gear with a flashlight does not fall into this category.

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