Nurses Anonymously Revealed The Most Epic Answers They’ve Heard When Asking The ‘Sexual History’ Question
It’s one of the most easily recognizable film tropes. You see a stern-faced nurse with a clipboard asking some dejected patient questions about their sexual history, and this scene is usually immediately before or after some epic montage of a night partying on the town. The funny thing about this film trope is it happens every day in the world of nursing. Some patient comes in after a night of debauchery and needs to get checked out, the nurse busts out a clipboard to go through the required questions, and at some point asks about the patient’s sexual history. Below, a whole bunch of nurses anonymously shared the most epic responses they’ve ever heard when asking a patient about their sexual history and some of this stuff is so good I fully expect Hollywood to jack this as source material for the next American Pie film. Now, let’s get to the stories (via AskReddit):
Ended up helping a high school wrestling team… while doing surveys during medical audits I had to ask a kid “have you had more than 1 sexual partner?”
He responded: “… yeah. Twice… Wait, you meant at the same time, right?”
I had to resist the urge to high-five.
“Are you sexually active?”
“You’re pregnant. Why did you say you’re not sexually active?”
“What? I’m not active – I just lay there! You can’t get pregnant unless you’re active, right!?”
Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows “Selina?” (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.
Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:
ME:”Are you sexually active?”
ME: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”
HER: “Absolutely not, I could never be pregnancy”
ME: “Not all birth control is 100% effective.”
HER: Mine is.
ME: “What kind of birth control is it?”
Not as funny as the rest, but I got a laugh out of hearing a young girl tell me she’s not currently sexually active, because the last time she had sex was the day before.
My mom went to the doctor with me when I was 16 to get put on birth control.
The doctor asked me if I was sexually active and when was the last time?
I said ‘it’s been forever’.
He asked ‘do you have an estimate of how long?’
I said “almost 2 months”
He and my mom both had a laugh and I was mortified. I didn’t realize people don’t normally have sex as regularly as I was at the time. 😐
a woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said “do dildos count?”
Not a nurse but the best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my freshman college English class. Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active. His perfect response was “Bro I’m not even socially active”
“Literally got road head on the way here”
I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).
Best answer I heard was “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.”
When I was in year seven, probably 11 or 12 years old, I had broken my foot in a way that needed a minor surgery, so my cute twentysomething nurse was asking me the pre questions with my dad. When she got to the personal part, she asked if I wanted my dad to leave the room, I said no because whatever. When she asked if I was sexually active, I turned to my dad and said in a loud whisper “I want her to think I’m cool.”
As a Med student in an std clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. “Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.” She got all the antibiotics.
One of my classmates was asking a 75 year old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam. Her response:
“I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.”
My friend answered his doctor once by just saying “I go to an engineering school.”
When I was younger I responded “yes” when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex.
I thought masturbation counted.
I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.
I was a medical assistant working for a dermatology office. A 65 year old man came in with an abundance of genital warts and said “I kept sleeping with that same dirty woman. That’s why I got these things”
Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.”
I told my doctor back in high school that I wasn’t sexually active and she said “and you go to ______ High School? I should play the lottery!”
Sexual history, no I’m more of a sexual folklore.
My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.
He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.
Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. “Yeah, this is the one…”
I’m a doctor and not a nurse, but the funniest example of this I’ve experienced was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a detailed sexual history on an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for like 50. After my attending stopped mocking me for, “asking about all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.
Took care of a post up patient who had stuck dried kidney beans up his urethra because they felt good when they swelled up. Could usually pee them out but this time they got stuck. Had to have them surgically removed.
Not a nurse but I work in health care. I don’t usually ask the sexual history question but I have had to ask it a few times.
The most memorable was a man who was older who had HIV, hep B, and a slew of STD’s. I didn’t even ask his history but he named off about a dozen people by name and which ones gave him which STD.
Sounds like something I’d do if I was kept waiting in a doctor’s office…
My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the “sexual history” part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read “it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…” He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.
I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.
when i would donate plasma one question was “have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?” i replied “no just, attention.” the nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse her self for a minute or too.
When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:
Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.
Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)
Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!
Internal me: (Damn…)
Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question.
Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?
Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?
Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on. (then she winks)
I almost died of laughter. Best response ever
I’ll only tell you my sexual history if we discuss our sexual future.
Last, but certainly not least…
We NJPd a Marine because he had chlamydia 5 times in 1.5 years. His excuse to our mo was “the pussy’s too good, sir”. Jacksonville, NC is a dirty place.
There are a LOT more of these stories over in the AskReddit thread, so if you want to keep on reading them you can CLICK HERE to see all of the responses. As always, if you’ve got a relevant story of your own to share you can just drop it down below in the comments!