I’m Not Sure What Exercise This Old Dude Is Doing On These Gym Cables, But I Don’t Think He Does Either

by 4 years ago

Now I’m not one to throw stones at someone trying to improve themselves while I sit on my ass thinking of an excuse to avoid the gym. Today’s excuse: weed. But there are certain instances that are so outrageous, so unaccpetable, that failing to expose them would be doing a disservice to any youngster with aspirations to get a pump on.

First off, kids, never take workout inspiration from a dude working out in work slacks. Half of your gym experience is presentation, the other half is walking behind the elliptical in various states of faux confusion simply to get another peak at a chick’s ass. Secondly, if someone is filming you, odds are it’s not because you’re strong. It’s because you look like a bigger fish out of water than Donald Trump at a quinceanera. And lastly, the harder you slam down the cable weights after a set, the smaller your penis is. Science, bro. Science.

But, if I’m going to take a break from being a pessimistic asshat, a very small part of me is willing to give this dude some credit. You have to have next level confidence in yourself to step into a gym with Subway Jared’s bodytype and start aggressively banging out exercises no man has ever seen, nevermind tried. That’s like me walking into a church and asking to give the sermon. The dude is just completely unaffected by the jacked dudes around him seeing results with their traditional workouts and is determined to pave his own way, even though the dude hasn’t stepped into a gym since he had a full head of hair. It’s like my dad stubbornly demanding I print him out directions from Map Quest instead of using Google Maps on the iPhone I just bought him. You can’t teach some dogs new tricks.

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