‘The Onion’ Announces Their ‘Person of the Year,’ and It’s Probably Not Who You Expected

by 5 years ago

We'll let the satire publication explain in their own, always brilliantly crafted words:

No one.

Yes, you deciphered those words correctly, simpleton news-reader: Every human in the year two thousand and twelve—beyond myself, of course—was not only unworthy of this news-paper’s Person of the Year distinction but deserved my very deepest scorn and contempt. Reader, did you really harbor the thought, somewhere in your porridge-stuffed head, that your favorite photo-play actress, law-maker, or pious holy man might actually be worthy of special commendation? Your childlike naïveté amuses me almost to the point of laughter, a sensation I have not physically experienced since the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915. There is no Person of the Year. How dare you even presume there might be? 

After digesting the humor, you'll realize that not this decision is not only rather funny, but alarmingly deserved. Think about it. As a human race–particularly the human race that makes up America–2012 has definitely not been our best year. I don't intend to go on one of those annoyingly liberal rants here, but this was a year where our economy decided to stay on the shitter. A year that's seen tragic after tragic event. A year where one of the world's largest banks was caught laundering billions of drug money, only to get off scot-free. A year where it seemed that nobody wanted to actually elect either President. A year where a relatively uninformed blogger like myself can make these sort of statements, warranted or not. And perhaps most scary/infuriating/I'm just saying this one for the obligatory pop-culture reference, it was one where a television character declared “America is not the Greatest Country in the World,” and it didn't sound that crazy at all. 

With that in mind, it looks like we've successfully lowered the bar for 2013. Hopefully, there's someone out there that's somewhat decent at the high jump.  

[H/T, S/G: TheOnion]


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