Parents Share The Scandalous And Hilarious Secrets They Never Want Their Kids To Find Out

by 3 years ago

I don’t have kids of my own, so I can’t speak as a parent, but as someone who is very good at deciphering when he’s being lied to I can say that my own parents told a ton of little white lies when I was growing up. I assume this is true of parents all over the world, using tiny fibs to dodge questions like ‘where do babies come from?’ and ‘why is Uncle Ted always coming over late at night and cleaning mommy’s pipes?’

Below, a bunch of parents over on AskReddit shared the secrets they never want their kids to find out, and these run from scandalous to downright hilarious (via AskReddit):

That I met her father on a BDSM dating site and that we normally don’t have sex without some sort of roughness or kink. Or about our drawer of fun.

The things we do as married adults.
My wife explained the birds and the bees to my mortified 9 year-old daughter. The next day she asked me “Did you and mommy do that so I would be born?” Looking down at my sweet daughter, I had to soften the blow. I couldn’t destroy her little world with the knowledge that daddy had willingly done these disgusting things to her mother. So I said the first thing that came to my mind: “Mommy made me do it.”

That in college I taped a dildo to my head and “unicorn f*cked” a stripper on my birthday right alongside my best friend doing the same thing to another stripper

Probably that I’ve had more than one threesome with their mother and godmother. Their now godmother was single at the time and we were much younger. Just something we used to do when the three of us got drunk together.

That “Batman”, who calls them when they’re misbehaving, is actually my Arabic co-worker cussing them out in Arabic

Here’s the back story on how this all started:

My 6 year old son is a huge fan of batman, we were sitting at the dinner table and he wouldn’t eat his vegetables, so I told him “Batman would want you to eat your vegetables”. He then said “you don’t know Batman” Then I said I did. He again said I didn’t. I said I did and I could prove it. He said I couldn’t prove it.
So I called my work-bestie, Ali, changed his contact picture to a picture of batman, told him to call me back and tell my kids to eat their vegetables in a batmannish voice. Which he did. Their faces were priceless.

My wife and I are good people, college graduates, decent jobs, take care of our family. Things got carried away one night with one my wife’s friends and we had a threesome while my son was in his crib in our room.

I peed in their mom’s mouth once during oral

That I was a Stripper in my early 20s.


That I spank their mom all the damn time

My dad probably doesn’t want me to know that he had a penis enlargement. I went into the hospital once for a lump on my balls and the doctor looked at my medical records and said something about a penis enlargement. Then when I told him I hadn’t had one, he showed me the records, which clearly stated the procedure. I then noticed that the DoB was wrong and I went on tell him. He clearly hadn’t looked at the age and just gone on name and address. (we have the same name, my dad and I).

We’re not actually in the bedroom discussing taxes for the 3rd time.

That I don’t like being a parent.
I love my kids, but I miss being able to be selfish once and a while without feeling like an enormous piece of shit.

Pretty much anything I did between the ages of 16 and 22.

that V8 isn’t colloquially known as “superman juice” and that it doesn’t actually make you immediately grow and run faster.
i demonstrate the effects of it by standing behind the kitchen counter as they sit and watch me drink it myself, then i slightly go on my tiptoes as their eyes widen and their jaws drop to the floor. meanwhile i pretend to not notice if anything happened and ask them if i grew at all… then with wide-eyes they squeal that i did and furiously chug the V8. then they ask me if they grew and i tell them their arms got juuuust a little longer… or their ears grew juuuuust a little… etc… then they sprint across the house to see if they feel faster.
good way of getting them to drink some liquid veggies and get some exercise.

That I dropped out of High School and got my GED.
I want her to graduate, not one day say to me, “Well you dropped out, why can’t I?”

I was a heroin addict for many years and on methadone for several more before I got clean. My son was 8 when I was finally done with it.

That I have no college degree and mommy does – yet I make six figures and mommy couldn’t even find a job in her field. Also, we were both arrested for DUI’s and were both on probation at the same time when we met. In fact, it’s what we talked about – when we met at a bar…..I tried to buy her a drink, she had a breathalizer in her car and couldn’t drink because of DUI. The rest, as they say, is history.

That I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m literally just them, but a few decades on.
At no point did I suddenly transform into an adult. I love naps, candy, rolling around on the couch mumbling to myself, being warm and cosy. I’m still not keen on the dark, don’t like going to the dentist, forget stuff all the time.
Everything has been a conscious effort to act like some hypothetical adult figure OR a massive effort not to think too hard about stuff like mortgage payments, responsibility, duties in case it overwhelms me and I find myself paralyzed by fear.
Basically we are the same. I am you with a lot of life on my shoulders. You are me before it all happened.

Alright, bros, that wraps up the coverage from my end. If you want to keep on reading these AskReddit stories you can CLICK HERE to see that thread in full. And if you’ve got a story of your own that you’d like to share then, by all means, pop into the comments down below!