People Tell Of The Worst Way They F*cked Up During Sex And So Many Frightening Stories Have Blood, Lots Of Blood

by 3 years ago
american-pie

American Pie


The old adage goes, “Sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.” Well tell that to these poor individuals who had a cataclysmically ghastly life-altering experience during sex.

The scary question of “What are some of the worst ways you fucked up during sex?” was posed to the fine folks over at the Ask Reddit subreddit. And there were some crotch-grabbing, cringeworthy doozies.

PoeticJedi:
When I said I liked biting, I did not intend for my testicles to get bitten 😦

That’s nuts!

Bathosfear:
I kept trying to get my girlfriend to 69. She shyly declined with “no, I’ll just do you” so I always quickly shut up. But I didn’t stop trying to convince her. She finally relented and we went to it. And she lightly farted on my face the entire time. I never brought it up again, but I did marry her.

Love stinks.

freeze69IceMan:
Went to pull up the blankets, they got stuck so I pulled harder. Hand slipped and I uppercut her right on the chin. Broke her jaw.

Love hurts.

PM-ME-UR-KNICKERS:
Falling asleep while knuckles deep. I was tired.

This person definitely does not have their finger on the pulse of what’s sexy.

Crusadaer:
It was in the summer. My first proper girlfriend. After losing my virginity and discovering sex I was determined to try everything. I don’t know if it’s the same with circumcised penii, but with my fella and other uncircumcised ones there’s a small ‘string’ of flesh that connects the head to the foreskin. The frenulum. You don’t really notice it, but it stops you from pulling the foreskin back a certain amount. This will be important later.
So we’re in my bed, parents out, on a lazy Saturday afternoon making out. We’d had sex before, but had always done missionary and cowgirl before, and I decided that today was the day that I would do her from behind.

So we get in position, her hands on my bed, and I find the entrance and put it in. It feels more resistant than normal so I push harder, and finally make me way in. Mistake. I feel a sharp pain near the head of my dick, and it begins to feel a lot warmer and wetter than before. I look down. Blood. Blood on my dick, blood all over her thighs, blood on the floor, blood on the sheets. I pull out and it begins to sting like an absolute bitch. I entered at the wrong angle, the frenulum tore, and now my blood filled cock is acting like some satanic fire hose, dousing me, my girlfriend, and my entire bedroom in blood. Blood on the floor, blood on the walls. My girlfriend is in tears at this point, half from me being apparently quite badly injured, half because she is now covered pretty much from the waist down in dick blood.

I pick up my boxer shorts and press them against the head of my member, still rock hard for some reason, to try and stop the bleeding. With one hand pressing my now drenched underwear to my cock, I open my door and sprint down the corridor to the bathroom and grab a roll of toilet paper.

Back to the room, it’s clean up time. First my girlfriend, then me, then attention is turned to the room. The sheets weren’t salvageable. I couldn’t complete clean me or my girlfriend, and I took responsibility for cleaning up the puddles of blood from the floor. My girlfriend took to cleaning the wall. About ten minutes later we were done, the floor was slightly sticky and the sheets were thrown out, my dick had stopped bleeding but was still stinging intensely. My girlfriend informed me at that point that we weren’t having sex and I wasn’t allowed to masturbate for three weeks while I healed. She never let me fuck her from behind again.

Tldr: Tried doggy style for the first time, ended up watching my crying girlfriend cleaning blood off the wall while I mopped up puddles of blood from the floor, while clutching my poor injured cock.

I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have a frenulum, that sounds absolutely horrifying.

purple00cheesey:
So, water is wet and makes things slippery, right? Apparently not skin. Finally convinced my GF to let me fuck her in the shower, push it in and feel a bit of restraint, so i shove as hard as i can. i felt a small pain, but passed it off as nothing. Then she looks down and sees blood. thinking it was her, she started crying and apologising, till we realised that my dick had drained of blood. snapped frenulum, had to go to hospital.

Looks like Mother Nature really fucked up with that frenulum design flaw.

Landlubber77:
Let’s just put it this way. For you young’ns out there, the clit is at the top fellas. Someone could’ve saved me a lot of embarrassment in high school if they had just told me that.
Some poor girl laying there pretending to enjoy me tongue-punching her vaganus like I’m a goddamn bulldog eating a bowl of oatmeal. If you’re gonna go panning for gold and looking for El Dorado, it helps to start in the right hemisphere.

That (t)ain’t the right spot mate.

caseyberg:
I’m of a uh, larger persuasion, I bottomed out in my gf and broke my dick. Like bent sideways. Hurt to pee for 2 weeks, not fun. Also one time she was on top and I went to spank her super hard and I got my boys instead. Not fun.

Braggart.

gran_helvetia:
Once I tried to remove a girl’s panties with my mouth and ended up biting (pinching) her clit. It broke skin and we couldnt have sex for a couple of days

Lesson Learned: Never bite the vag that fucks you.

Corphis:
Finger blasting an ex gf, accidentally slipped out during hyperdrive and I apparently had a hang nail…sliced up her clitoris… Pizza cutter style

Do I have to teach you guys EVERYTHING? Always keep your nails trimmed for pleasurable fingerbanging.

laterdude:
I went to college later in life and made the mistake of flaunting the ‘half my age + 7’ rule. One of the girls spent our entire date trashing all her exes but she looked good in yoga pants so what is a forty year-old to do?

Well, one thing led to another and the next morning when I checked her Twitter feed, this is what I found:
“I don’t want no minute man . . . but that’s what I got from @ laterdude last night”

May not sound like a big deal but she had thousands of followers on campus. Haven’t gotten laid since.

Having your sex life ruined because of a 2001 Missy Elliot song must be complete torture.


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