5 REAL Issues That Should Have Been Mentioned During The State Of The Union Address

by 6 years ago

5. Baby Pictures on Facebook
This has literally become an epidemic. It’s not fair that I have to login to Facebook and be bombarded by shitty pictures of the child you accidentally had. Just because you want people to believe that said child has “improved” your life or made you “happy” does not mean anyone actually cares. Had we addressed this in The State Of The Union, perhaps this behavior could be halted or regulated so the majority of us no longer have to suffer.

4. Pennies
Why do we still have pennies? Sure, a penny saved is a penny earned but pennies have literally been worthless since the great depression. I mean a dollar barely buys you something edible on fast food value menus and yet it takes a hundred pennies to do the same thing. Plus, if you have a change jar pennies are basically lying to you, making your jar heavy and giving you false hopes that maybe you have a decent amount of money in there. Why this was completely overlooked in the State of The Union, no one will know.

3. Harlem Shake Videos
What is it? Why is it? And how do we get rid of it? I still have no answers and this is definitely something that directly threatens our national security. This could have been exposed at a national level and yet during the State Of The Union our president failed to do so. Now we all have to suffer by watching the same exact thing over and over again but in a different setting. It’s creepy, it’s weird and it needs to go away.

2. Ratchet Hoes
Ratchet hoes are among us and they must be stopped. They walk around acting like they aren’t ratchet when really THEY ARE SO RATCHET. We as the population should be able to identify, arrest and prosecute ratchet hoes without any delay and yet we cannot. Why? Because the vast majority of our population doesn’t even know what a ratchet ho is. And why is that? Because there is not enough national spending being funneled into educating the population as to what a ratchet ho is. This could have been changed with a 1-minute segment on ratchet hoes and yet the majority of us still remain completely ignorant to this issue.

1. Gluten Free Menu Items
Remember when gluten wasn’t even a thing and people went on their merry way not talking about gluten? Those days are behind us and will probably never return. Every time I hear the word gluten or see gluten-free on a menu I literally cringe. Why is this just now becoming a thing and why are we letting it takeover? I understand the need to be healthy, but you can do that without occupying a ¼ of every menu with gluten-free items. That space could have been used to make some epic entree that I probably would have ordered had a gluten free section not overtaken it. Had this been mentioned in The State Of The Union perhaps people would understand that gluten isn’t the enemy and we should be more concerned about what gluten-free is taking away from us.

Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that the ‘Harlem Shake Weight’ is when a Puerto Rican hooker jerks off two guys in motorcycle helmets for 36 seconds in a gym. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.


TAGSaristotle georgesonsotuState of the Union