Top 10 Reasons to Stay Single This Summer
You read the f*ckin’ headline, so let me put it this way: Spending your summer in a monogamous relationship is about as festive as spending your childhood in an orphanage. It’s like waking up on Christmas morning only to realize that you are a f*cking Jehovah’s Witness… or poor. Not only is it a terrible existence but it’s a surefire way to desecrate the summers of your ever-fading youth. That said, summer is hot on our heels, and that’s exactly why Papa BroBible wanted me to give you a list of 10 radiant reasons why you should spend this summer sans a significant other.
Is this entire list going to consist of grand realizations that came to me during an adolescent wet dream? No. But some of them came to me while I brainstormed this article on the shitter while I was BBM’ing my best pal Joe. So take solace in that. Is everything I am about to say going to be a groundbreaking proclamation that you didn’t know about? Probably not, but what this will serve as a comprehensive tabulation of why I have made it a point — in my post-junior high years — to spend as many summers as possible void of any relationship. But truth be told, even I have fallen victim to a summer relationship before.
To those of you saying, “Fuck you Waffles, being in a relationship is awesome. My girlfriend is easily a 6.5 and I should be Bro of the f*cking Week.” I say “Whoaaaa, there fella,” because this isn’t a list of reasons why you should dump your girlfriend and f*ck everything that moves (although, not a bad idea). I am in no way against people having relationships or being in one myself. So if you found someone worth holding on to, by all means, grab that 6.5 by the horns (cause chicks under a 7 usually have them) and ride her hard. Now on to the list.
(Note: The list is in no particular order.)
10. The Epic Story
When a man is bogged down by a broad, and I mean really on a short leash, he is no longer fun, he is instead a convivial shell of his former self. He’ll drink booze and talk about his “glory days” as if he were Springsteen, but his tenacity (in most cases) to create those colossal moments is lessoned. He, dare I say, has lost a step. But when that same man is single, and he is out day drinking at The Starboard in Dewey Beach (or venue of your liking), he does things that later on — when he finally snaps out of his booze coma — he himself will be ashamed of doing, but at the same time, pleased to hear that he did them. Similar to a relic, those moments, those stories, and those memories are what live on forever.
9. You Got a Beach House
Some old sailor with a glass eye and a hankering for eatin‘ yeast once said, “Never bring your own sand to the beach.” That son of a b*tch was right. When you make the commitment to spend your weekends in a beach town (I suggest you all do this at least once in your life), you’ve not only made an obligation to yourself, but you have made a giant commitment to your dick. So don’t f*ck this up.
8. Sex with Random Broads
Um, yep, no explanation needed here. In fact, if you need one, get the f*ck off this site.
7. Summer is Expensive
Perhaps it’s paying for additional housing at the beach, transportation to get there, and trying to get blasted every weekend, but summer is bound to leave your bank account in complete disarray. Now, try and toss some freeloading floozy into that mix and, well, that’s just not fiscally responsible.
6. Road Trips
Weekends in the summer are a prime time for you and your bros to hit the road with or without a set destination in mind. Almost any city (near an ocean or anywhere generally awesome) in the U.S. is tolerable to visit come Memorial Day weekend. Even that f*cking soggy c*m sock New Jersey has some fine beachside properties in the summer months. But, if you’re attached to a lead sled you might have to wave your Bros, and countless moments of breathtaking road-trip belligerence, goodbye because you forgot that you promised your girlfriend that you would go to her younger brother’s ballet recital.
5. Chicks Drink More (And Wear Less)
I can’t explain it, corroborate it, or even argue it, but this is a fact. Once the weather warms up, every chick — save for the ugly ones who are yearlong alcoholics, battling mirror-induced depression — starts drinking like prohibition just ended. On top of that, they wear considerably less. And what does that mean for you? More p*ssy is going to be up for grabs.
4. You Wasted Last Summer
Either you had a girlfriend or you did something that completely sucked with your summer, like circ*mcising third-world infants and then making modest shoes from their recently shanked foreskin. What you need now is to get your life and your chay back on track. A summer full of despicable behavior, unfettered sex, and a complete lack of compassion will do just that.
3. Your Friends Are Single
This goes right along with the #6, only in this instance, every single night of the summer, your boys are going to be out scouring the village for p*ssy to pillage while you are at your chick’s house scrapbooking while “Gossip Girl” fills the extended gaps of silence.
2. People Move On
This is a fact of life. Even your best Bro will someday begin to pass on pigs and settle down with a broad who is a worthy adversary. Most of your other friends will also get married and start families. That means that chay time with you will become an afterthought. So if you’re not going to stay single for the present, do it for the future. Do it because someday you won’t be able to.
To do whatever the f*ck pleases you, when it pleases you to do it. Do not be fooled, getting hitched with a broad (no matter what time of the year), doesn’t just affect your dick’s frame of mind and your social life. Like a cancer, a relationship can eat away at other aspects of your being. Without you even noticing you can go from looking like an Adonis and owning a single-digit handicap to looking like a common slob with a midsection that people refer to as “pouchy,” and, at the same time, the most impressive thing you do on a golf course is pile condiments on your hotdog.
The choice is yours, Bros. I have been on both sides and let me tell you, spending your summer f*cking dozens of women, boozing with your Bros, and doing whatever you want is never going to be something you regret. The girl you decided to date and whose name you won’t remember in 10 year? Well, that’s another story.