7 Romantic And Weird Social Services Offered In Japan For Lonely-Ass Mother Fuckers

by 4 years ago


Japan’s birth rate is low. It’s so low that the Japanese government is regularly sinking billions of yen (millions of dollars) into getting young people together so they can make babies.

But getting people to meet isn’t the real problem. Loneliness is big business for the Japanese. Oh sure, they have hookers to satisfy your most disgusting little fantasies and, I’m sure, some female equivalent that delivers regular doses of vitamin ‘D.’ But that’s chump change compared to all the services you can use that will cure your loneliness with minimal effort, so long as you got the C.R.E.A.M.

Professional cuddling

Too skurred to actually go out and meet a chick? For just $60 you can fall asleep in the arms of a girl that almost doesn’t loathe your patheticness. When you wake up with her, it’s almost like you had sex with her so long as you dreamt it. If you didn’t, tough shit, bro.

Social Gigolos

Some host clubs in Japan are made for women. Within their walls a bunch of dudes with spiky hair like anime characters listen to the women talk about their day and never actually fall asleep doing so. The whole point is to give the idea of romance without any actual sex. The costs for this service are fairly steep so, as you can see, they’ve pretty much got this simulated marriage thing down.

Solo weddings

As more and more financially independent women are realizing that their relationship prospects are looking like Death Valley at high noon, some throw good sense (and good money) to the wind and fake their own marriage. Cera Travel in Kyoto, Japan is giving women a male model, makeup, hairstyling, dress fittings and a wedding celebration for a fraction of the cost of a real wedding.

This, I assume, is the male equivalent of going to a good titty bar and having fake breasts ground into your nostrils for a night. So in that vein I guess I can understand.

Hiring fake friends

Need someone to talk to about your problems, but you’re a sad sack at making real friends? Client Partners in Japan will lend you a friend for $28 an hour. This friend will listen to your shit while only judging you silently. But if you want a little bit more life experience to season your lonely…

Rent a middle-aged man

Need a li’l more wisdom with that shake? For $10 an hour you can rent a middle-aged man. So far only two are available, but one of ‘em is a former baseball player and current baseball commentator. They will listen to your life stories, give you advice and even run errands for you. But no, you can’t touch the mic at the ballpark. That’ll get your ass hurt.


When a woman wants some companionship, but doesn’t want to sit in a host club she can hire herself a boyfriend. It only costs $364 to rent a boyfriend for the day. She can take him out to dinner or have him cook and clean her home (so long as it’s not too much work). However, the lady cannot touch his junk or try to bone him. No statistics on males turning down female sexual advances were offered, but no one is surprised by that.

Going back to Bali

If you’re a Japanese woman and you’ve plum run out of money and patience with your non-sexual pretend boyfriends, you can always go on a good, old-fashioned sex trip. Bali’s ‘beach boys’ are regularly giving Japanese female tourists private massages that sound get just as freaky as they do everywhere else in the world. It just goes to show that it isn’t just the men that want some pay-to-play. Females just leave the country to do it. Cuz, you know, that makes sense.