Is My Love Of Sniffing Women’s Dirty Underwear Getting Out Of Control?
Now the letters…
Q: I could seriously use some help raising money for my girlfriend and I. We are both broke and could use the money. I have been wanting to propose to her for awhile now. I know this may seem stupid to some of you but I am in a dire need of some money to get her this one special thing. I’ve started a Go Fund Me to raise money for the ring. Thanks, bros. Party hard.
A: First of all, never ask a friend or relative for money unless it’s a) keeping you out of jail or b) keeping you from getting killed. You’re not in dire need of money. Owning a loan shark a couple grand and being a month late on payments, that’s a dire need. You’re looking to buy a piece of jewelry for a chick before she realizes “oh shit, this dude is broke” and trades up for a better bro.
Second of all, we’re all fucking broke. The world is broke. I’m a grown man with a full time job and I’m one missed paycheck away from losing most of my stuff. Welcome to the club. Your money problems are not the world’s money problems, especially since you’re asking for money for such a stupid reason.
Finally, if anyone donates money so you can get your selfish girlfriend a ring, they deserve to get screwed when you take it and use it to go on Spring Break because this is all just a con.
Party hard, bro.
Q: I have this smoking hot ex, but I broke up with her because she tazed me for buying her the wrong kind of flower… she now wants a second chance. Should I give her one?
A: Yes, take her back immediately and let me know what happens the next time you do something wrong. Nevermind, I’m sure I’ll read about it online or see it on a TV show that reports when men get murdered by girlfriends for odd reason. “He gave her roses and she gave her an ax to the nuts — next on Dateline!”
Does she want a second chance at love or a second chance to finish the job? It doesn’t matter, stay clear.
Q: So I have a girlfriend and we are in a serious relationship going 3 years strong. Sex is amazing and she still turns me on no problem. But lately I’ve been tempted to go around raiding hot girl’s hampers for fresh soiled panties. We were at her friend’s place one night helping her set up a new washer and dryer. One of her dirty thongs was laying on the floor next to her hamper and I got a very strong urge to steal and sniff them. I’ve had plenty of opportunities followed by strong urges but Ive been able to stop myself. What should I do? Is this normal?
A: Is it normal? It’s not the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Also, which sexual fetish is normal? Anyone can have an issue with anything sexually? “You like a woman’s mouth around your penis? That’s disgusting!” It’s all relative.
I think the real issue here is “what will happen if my girl catches me sniffing her undies or the undies of one of her friends.” I don’t want to speak for the opposite sex, nor do they want me speaking for them, so I’ll just ask a woman. Our resident babe, Rebecca.
Q: My boyfriend went to a strip club and bought a lap dance. Do you consider that cheating? Why buy one when he could get it for free, by someone who loves him and knows how to drive him lust crazy?
A: Is that your 2003 Toyota FJ Cruiser parked out front? The one with the dented passenger door and missing tail light? It is? Well, I’ve got a question — how’d you like to trade that car in for a 2003 Toyota FJ Cruiser with a dented passenger door and missing tail light? Yes, it’s the exact same car. Let me know when the light bulb above your head flashes on.
Ugh, fine, I’ll explain — he doesn’t want a lap dance he wants a lap dance from a person that’s not you. Get it?
And don’t ever use the term lust crazy again. Those are the type of terms littered in Craigslist ads that lure men into apartments and then gut them for human parts.
Q: Imagine the hottest girl EVER. As in, your perfect dream girl. If she was the star of a porno, but your dad was the dude in it, would you watch it?
A: Why the hell is my dad back doing porno? Is he having money trouble. He swore he gave it up years ago. Now I’m worried. Does mom know? Is she back to directing porn as well? This is all too hard to comprehend, especially learning about it from a complete stranger.
And what an asshole way to tell me!
Got a question for the resident bro? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.