Ted Cruz Talking About Hardcore Porn In Front Of His Young Daughters Is One Form Of Child Abuse

by 3 years ago

Love this. Separate from the fact that his young daughters are in the audience witnessing their daddy sweating through a story about ‘hardcore porn,’ this is quintessential Ted Cruz. First off, Ted, thanks for clarifying it was ‘hardcore’ porn on the internet. Because if you didn’t clarify, we would have automatically assumed you were watching porn without dicks and vaginas like the rest of us. Watching softcore porn is like baking a cake and eating it without the frosting in an attempt to be health conscious. You’re already eating the fucking cake, Ted, add the vanilla frosting like a real man. The white shit is the best part.

And Ted, hey Ted, I’m no campaign manager or nothin’ but I do know for a fact that one way to drive yourself right out of a presidential race is to start pretending you’re above porn. Whether we like to admit it or not, Americans need porn like we need the air we breathe. It is as big a part of the fabric of this country as bacon cheeseburgers. You might as well snap a bald eagle’s head on national TV and wave an ISIS flag while calling Chris Kyle a pussy if you’re going to shame us for watching Lexington Steele pork Tori Black. Effectively, it achieves the same thing. I don’t have strong political opinions either way but I do know that if you’re going to talk about porn the way Hulk Hogan talks about black people, I’ll make it my God-given mission to see the closest thing you get to a white house is church.

P.S. Ted, before you go, horrible fucking story man. Here’s a tip: if you’ve got the opportunity to tell a story to millions of viewers, have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener. God damnit bro, my face fell asleep.

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