How Do I Tell A Girl Her Vagina Smells AWFUL? How Do I Get A Girl To Blow Me In A Movie Theater?
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Q: I’ve been waxing my chest and stomach for a little over two years now. I started it because my ex girlfriend preferred my chest hairless but even after we broke up I continued to do it. As astonishing as it may sound I prefer waxing over shaving or letting it grow. And my buddies continue to give me shit over it so is it creepy/weird that I still do it or is it seen as different/unique?
A: What is wrong with you? If you like waxing your chest then wax your chest, and if you don’t like doing it then don’t. Who fucking cares what your friends think? It’s your chest, not theirs. Next time they’re ripping on you for having a chest as smooth as a baby’s bottom just say that girls don’t like doing body shots off of hairy bear men, and that come spring break all the ladies will be lining up to suck tequila out of your belly button rather than theirs.
…unless you’re fat. No one wants to do body shots off a fat dude.
Q: I’ve been going out with this girl for months now, but she still won’t do it. What can I do?
A: Judging from the fact that you referred to sex as “it” I’m guessing you’re probably 12, and 12-year-olds shouldn’t be having sex anyway. So keep right on doing nothing or else you’ll wind up on 16 & Pregnant just like your mother.
Q: If you’re at the movies on a date and the movie is complete utter shit…does that make theatre head more likely? If so, what’s a good way to get the ball rolling on that??
A: Why don’t you just LEAVE and get your blowjob someplace that won’t land you in jail for public indecency? And the only thing that’ll make theater head “more likely” is if the two of you planned it out beforehand, which kind of takes all the sexiness out of it but too bad. No sane girl is going to willingly blow you in the back of a semi-crowded movie theater, and if you’re sitting there saying “Well she DID so HA!” then congrats, you’ve got a real nutter on your hands. Give it two weeks and she’ll be burning your house down to some classic Billy Joel while screaming at you for not responding to the text she sent you 20 minutes ago.
Tl;dr: you’re probably going to have to plan it out with her beforehand.
Q: Is it ok to date the sister of a girl you dated in high school? I’m 25 now, but her sister gave me my first blowjob.
A: Well is she a younger sister or an older sister? Because if she’s older that’s fine, but then that begs the question of how much older and why the fuck was your girlfriend’s older sister blowing your high school dick? If she’s younger, that’s creepy and you should probably zip your pants back up unless she’s really pursuing you, to the point where you can kinda claim ignorance and be like “Ur durr well she wouldn’t leave me alone soooo idk?” But again, there’s the question of how much younger and whether or not you can legally get arrested for statutory rape. Overall, this sounds like a weird situation that you should probably get yourself out of ASAP. Maybe move to Alaska and start a new career as a flannel-wearin’ axe-totin’ logging man, or better yet, don’t stick your dick into young ladies.
Q: What is a good way to tell a FWB that her scent down there can be…. pungent? It can become especially bad when she gets to the big O. I’m concerned that a somewhat self-conscious person may take a blow that I’m not exactly trying to deliver. With respect to my words, I feel like Indiana Jones… I must “choose wisely.”
A: Ooooh yeah that’s a tricky one, because 99% of girls will get either downright pissed or embarrassed to the point where they’ll never speak to you again. You could start off easy by dropping little hints after sex (I’m assuming it still smells ratchet when the deed is done, yes?), like “What’s that smell?” and “Did you eat spoiled tuna for lunch? Because all I smell right now is rotting fish.” Hopefully she’ll pick up on it and fix the problem herself.
If that doesn’t work…you’re probably going to have to tell her straight-up. It’s going to suck, it’s going to be awkward and she may or may not hit you afterwards, but take solace in the knowledge that it’s not only in your best interests that she freshens up down there, but hers too. I mean in all honesty you’re really doing her a favor, and a favor for whoever comes after you too. In fact she should buy you a fucking medal of honor for having the balls to say that shit to her face, but unfortunately in this case you’re more like Batman rather than Captain America in this case: a necessary hero but ridiculously under-appreciated.
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