How Do You Tell a Girl That She’s Painfully Bad In Bed?

by 4 years ago


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Q: Okay so bad hookups happen, and I won’t say it was a bad hookup it was great because we were both pretty shitfaced, but I woke up realizing that she manhandled and slightly maimed my lil bro down below, and under other circumstances I would let it slide, but I like her and I know my lil bro can’t handle such pain, so how do I broach this subject, coaching, throwing some pointers out there or whatever without offending her about her painful technique? 
Thanks, also, Fuck, Marry, Kill: Jen Selter, Katy Perry and Paulina Gretzky

A: I’m curious, did your brain birth this question after reading my story about the most treacherous hand job I’ve ever received? Talk about a ‘never forget’ kind of day.

Since 99.9% of vaginas don’t have teeth — I always factor in .01% for mutants — I’m guessing she tore you apart with her mouth or hands or maybe her feet if you’re a weird fetishist. It happens. But she’s never going to improve if you never say anything. And your dick is going to be peeled like a carrot, down to a stump, if you stay the course hoping that your prayers alone are powerful enough to elicit change.

If she’s going to be a repeat (enter word for someone you fuck on the reg here), just find the nicest way possible to tell her that her savagery isn’t your dick’s idea of a good time. Be honest with her, in the most “you suck at this, but I care about your ego” kind of way. And you do that through asking her to do things that you like — so long as they’re not kinky to the point of weirding her out. Knowing what you like will make her want to do that to you even more, because any chick worth her salt knows the whole point of this exercise is for your junk to blow like a hot spring.

Part deux:

Marry: Paulina Gretzky. She’s hot, likes golf, looks fantastic in slutty Halloween costumes, the Great One is her dad. Marrying her is a goddamn no brainer. Nice work, Dustin.

Fuck: Jen Selter. Great ass, but has so/so face and OMG HAVE YOU EVER HEARD HER SPEAK?!?

Kill: Katy Perry. Nice, gelatinous tits, FOR SURE, but her face is the poster child for a Maybelline before-and-after commercial (that photo Russell brand tweeted years ago still haunts me). I also can’t stand how she pronounces certain words when she sings, and that alone is obviously a justifiable reason to kill someone.

Q: Whats your opinion on dating a girl your bro was fuck buddies with?
I’m currently screwing this girl and as we keep hanging out we’re finding we’re pretty similar. When I first met her I asked my buddy about it straight up and he said she got real attached and pulled the “crazy” line. I’ve haven’t noticed anything so far (trust me I’ve been looking), should I keep hooking up with this girl which could lead to something more long term? I like her and almost don’t want to know details about her and my buddy since it could impair my judgement.

A: If he doesn’t care and you don’t care, then my opinion is null and void. But for the record, that opinion is: you should be with her.

I agree, it’s in your best interest to not talk or think about your bro and this girl excavating each other’s body holes with their tongues, but this statement probably ruined any shot of you doing that.

Good luck.

Q: At what point do you cut a bitch off? As much as we don’t want to admit it, we want a real women as reach the end of the best four years of our lives, I’ve had this girl since high school we have awesome sex and always do fun shit but when were not together it’s like I don’t exist to this bitch. Maybe I’m needy, but if she’s serious as I am I think the lack of communication is some shit would you agree?

A: The way you’ve turned this into YOU cutting off HER is cute. Considering that if anyone in the above equation sounds like they’ve started cord cutting process it’s her.

I tend to agree that her lack of communication is “some shit,” but the slow, agonizing drip might be her preferred medium of rejecting you. It’s a long game, a SLOW BURN, but that could be what’s going on here. She’s methodically pushing you away with blissful ignorance, waiting for you finally get so fed up with her aloofness that you have no choice but to be the one who ends it. It’s brilliant, really.

Rejection blows. You don’t need me to tell you that. If you feel like this is going down a perilous path, unleash a shock and awe campaign by severing ties first. It’ll keep you from going insane and looking like a needy twat, and it might also be the kick in the ass she needs to realize that you’re the prize your mother says you are.

Q: This girl and I go back and forth between “best friends” and drunken hook up buddies. How do I approach her to ask to be FWB instead of whatever the hell we are right now?

A: Uhhh…What?

The dynamic you just described IS friends with benefits. Sometimes you’re friends, sometimes you’re casually fucking her…what else is there? Unless I’m missing something or FWB has drastically changed since I left the game and now, along with being friends and hook up buddies, it involves something else. Like, going apple picking or having a suicide pact.

You can’t beat a good suicide pact. You just can’t.

Q: Just to let you know, this girl is 18 and I am 21. I’ve been official with this girl for about a month now. She’s great and I love spending as much time as I can with her. I love everything about her! I find her funny, attractive, witty, and we both share similar interests. She is a virgin, and I am too. When we started dating, she made it clear that if I think I’m getting some quick, I’m dead wrong. Whatever, I really like her and I don’t mind that much.  

Last week I hinted at me being her first. She sort of flipped, and said she basically wasn’t going to have sex until she was in her 20s. Could she mean 20, 21, 25? I can’t wait that long. I’m not saying sex is the only important part of a relationship, but… understand what I am saying… And now, this past week I’ve been rethinking things with her. I feel like a douchebag, would very much appreciate your thoughts on this matter

A: I respect a person’s decision to remain a virgin for as long as they want and you should, too. My personal stance on virginity, however, is YOU COULD BE DEAD TOMORROW, GET THAT PUSSY WHILE THE PUSSY GETTING IS GOOD.

God, when I go back and read that last sentence it really is as eloquent as it was in my head.

If you don’t want to wait years for this girl to be ready, DON’T. That’s it. It doesn’t make you a douchebag, it makes you a person who has different beliefs and wants and that’s fucking terrific. You got to do you. And if doing chicks ASAP is doing you, get to it.

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