The Modern Day ‘Door Test’: How to Find Out If She’s Worth a Damn

by 5 years ago

Whats that?

Listen to pull up, right where she is. Before you get out of the car, lock both doors. You get out of the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. You take out the key, unlock it, open the door for her. You let her get in. Then you close the door for her. You walk behind the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button for you…so you can get in, dump her.

Just like that?

Listen to me, kid. If she doesn’t reach over, lift up that button for you…she’s a selfish broad and all you’re seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her fast.

What about the beautiful things you just told me?  Do what my heart tells me to do. Find someone to put wind in my sails. She could be a great one!

Bullshit, kid. The door test is what counts. You dump her, and you dump her fast.

Dump her?

Dump her.

How fucking awesome was A Bronx Tale?! I don’t know what you can’t learn from that fucking movie. Not to be a rat, always leave when someone tells you to leave, what to do when someone owes you some money, the answer to whether it’s better to be feared or loved, toughness is not holding a gun but what you show when one is pointed at you…even Mario has a point, psychopath or not. But the number one thing that was so perfectly simple and necessary is the door test.

It’s undeniable how necessary it is not to settle for anything less than what you want and know you deserve, so how important is it to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. If you’re going to buy a car, you take a test drive. A TEST drive. Without giving something an opportunity to pass or fail, you’re a grade A sucker.

Problem is, it’s fucking 2012 and kind of unrealistic to borrow Sonny’s car, let alone find one that doesn’t have power locks. So, we’ve got to modernize the door test. Thankfully, that’s already been done, so here’s how it works.

You bring her back to your place. (If you can’t get her back to your place, you're not a closer and the last thing you need to be worried about is the door test.) She spends the night. You leave before she wakes up, let her sleep in. (What a nice guy!)  Go to work, go to the gym, go have lunch with the Prince of Saudi Arabia, just don’t come back before she’s gone. Then, when you're sure she’s left your place, go back and check out the bedroom.

There are a dozen clues to look for, but if she didn't make the bed, she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

Dump her?

Dump her.

It’s really that easy. Your only problem should be finding a girl worthy of being brought back to your place. And, of course, making sure she's not some psycho criminal who's going to steal all your sweet shit when you leave.


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