Bros Launch Campaign To Replace The State Of Oklahoma With Something That Doesn’t Suck Gigantic Donkey Balls

the-new-oklahoma

KickStarter


Let’s be honest here, since the decline of the Sooners’ football program the state of Oklahoma hasn’t brought a ding-dangity-dong thing to the table. It’s easily in the bottom 5 states of America, with nothing going on, nothing to look at, and nothing to do. The state of Oklahoma joined the union 108 years ago, and not once in that time has Oklahoma ever held its own weight. At all times the lackluster Sooner State is being buoyed up by Texas to the south. But it DOES NOT have to be that way, at least not according to a group of bros who launched a campaign to replace the state of Oklahoma with something worthwhile.

Sean Bonner and Allen Morgenstern have launched a KickStarter titled ‘The New Oklahoma—A Plan to Improve the Worst Part of America’, and their mission statement is simple: “Everyone knows Oklahoma sucks. We have a plan to make it awesome.”

Here’s what the team is hoping to accomplish from this KickStarter:

Imagine if you will, when crossing the border into Oklahoma, instead of seeing tumbleweeds, you saw a beautiful coastline as far as the eye can see? What if instead of signs warning of hundreds of miles before the next gas station, you saw a beautiful coastline as far as the eye can see? What if instead of seeing abandoned trailer homes inhabited only by starving dogs with matted hair and missing teeth, you saw a beautiful coastline as far as the eye can see? What if “what if” was the reality? What if indeed.

The New Oklahoma master plan challenges you to dare to imagine. We propose the following:

Replace almost the entire state with a giant freshwater lake.
90% of that lake being 6′ deep for comfortable swimming.
Oklahoma City & Norman become a central island.
Tulsa is relocated to panhandle (new coastline).
Waterslides.
Over 1,200 miles of new beachfront property.
A new great lake. A new great future.

This seems about 10,000x better than the current state of Oklahoma, right?!?! Obviously there will be challenges when attempting to overhaul an entire state, our nations’s worst state. Here’s an overview of the obstacles that the team foresees in the quest to make Oklahoma less shitty:

-In the extremely unlikely case that some of Oklahoma turns out to be inhabited, perhaps by travelers whose cars broke down at some point and they gave up trying to find civilization so they hunkered into the hills and made a life for themselves — well those people would need to be relocated. We don’t expect this will be too tricky. We’ll just give them bus tickets to Kansas.

– The so called “drought” plaguing the US could be seen as a deterrent to securing enough water to fill an entire state, in which case additional funds might be needed to acquire the water internationally. Maybe we could get the water they use for fracking, but not frack with it. We’ll be looking more into this.

– The dirt surface of “old” Oklahoma has to go somewhere else since Oklahoma will now be mostly water. It could go to the panhandle, or what about Missouri? In any case, it will be mountain sized and you’ll be able to ski or water slide down the back of it right into The New Oklahoma. Someone could probably even charge $50 to zip line hundreds of miles from the top of it all the way into Oklahoma City. So this is more of a positive.

– We expect it to cost a lot to turn Oklahoma into a giant lake, but the exploratory committee might find that it costs a whole lot. But that’s why we’re raising money now to research it first to make sure we know exactly what we’re getting into. How much did we spend on that Iraq war?

– Someone might not want to leave Oklahoma, in which case we’ll just invite them to an awesome party in Kansas. So the risk then is that maybe the party is on the same day as a cousin’s birthday or wedding or something — but again this is low risk because who on earth would choose a family event over a party in Kansas?

So what can you do to get involved in the project to overhaul the worst state in America? Check out the KickStarter by CLICKING HERE, and toss in a few bucks to build the NEW Oklahoma!

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