The Top 10 Excuses to Get Out of Work or Class
This excuse is perfect to use whenever your boss tries to drop a bomb on you that you need to go ahead and come in on Saturday. Fuck.that.shit. You need to act fast and toss this in his smug face the moment he struts over to your cube all ready to give you the bad news. Which, to begin with, is news he is giving you because someone else probably played another excuse already. But you've got plans, big, glorious, nuptial plans — you're even in the wedding — so don't feel bad, because Joanie didn't feel remorse when she told your boss that her c*nt exploded so she couldn't attend the work event.
Any home-oriented catastrophe is going to buy you at least a half day off. Floods are the best way to go since something like that won't make the news and can't be seen if someone drives by. In other words, don't say that your house burned to the ground unless you actually have plans of fulfilling that prophecy.
By law, if you receive a summons in the mail and you don't make an effort to postpone or get out of it ahead of time, you have to show up for jury duty. It is against the law not to and that is what makes this such a mouth-watering excuse. Because employers and most rational people understand this. However, if you try to play this excuse and the person has the right to ask for proof (this would be your douche bag boss come is) you will have to show it to them. It's a tough doc*ment to forge so keep that in mind.
This may not work every time if you're not in college or not the type who regularly flies to Haiti, but at least it makes you seem momentarily noble and caring. And even if you're faking it, that's got to feel nice, because it's the thought that counts.
I always like to go with an aliment that isn't too vile but will leave others feeling sorry for me while I am off in perfect health and having the time of my life. Pneumonia, food poisoning, or a serious infection, like swine flu or a kidney stone, will do just fine. That way, the people who you're deceiving will think that you are vomiting your brains out or pissing agony and you're not just sitting at home with the sniffles and a drippy c*nt.
Your Family In Town
Last year, when I still held an honest job, my boss tried to spring an unexpected two-week work trip to Minnesota (during the dead of winter) on me. Normally, if this happened and he approached me at my desk, I'd be caught off guard and stuck going ,but the dumb f*ck made one huge mistake: he sent this notice over email, giving me ample time to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to get out of it. Which I clearly needed to do because if there is one thing I hate it's the combination of traveling for work, really cold weather, and co-workers. Not even five minutes after the email was in my inbox, I sent this jerk-off an apologetic response saying that my parents were coming to town for a week (flying in from Florida) with the sole purpose of visiting me. I then offered to go out to Minnesota the following week if I needed too — knowing full well that this project was time sensitive and he would say not to worry. In the end, I spent the next two weeks sitting in the office scratching my balls while some stooge went in my place and enjoyed 160 hours of hell.
You're Working From Home
In this day and age there is virtually no need for people to ever to go into work. There isn't a white-collar job you can't do at home, nekked, and with a partial boner. If you have a good rapport with your boss, tell the douche you need to work from home for “personal reasons” and call it a day. Do the 10 minutes of work you normally do, keep your BlackBerry close, and enjoy yourself.
If public transportation doesn't exist where you live, this excuse can get you out of an entire day of anything. From your engine flooding to hood rats leaving your car on cinder blocks, an unreliable automobile can be your ace in the hole.
Always best to keep these “emergencies” to a minimum and to make the wounds or the work being done on places that can't be seen. Dental work is always a prudent choice but if you think you need theatrics, say your girlfriend is on life support after throwing herself down a flight of stairs and you've been at the hospital with her all night. If you have kids say they're sick but also do them a solid and let them stay home, too.
Although it is hard to argue its “like-a-f*ckin'-charm” effectiveness, this excuse may not be the most popular to our needle-dick friends out their who have unflappable morals. It works because no one will be brazen enough to ask you for proof of death and if they do, you can just find a random obituary and say the deceased is on your mother's side of the family. Go for the f*ckin' gold and choose a corpse of a different race. Also, if you say you need to leave town for the funeral, you've just bought yourself some extra grieving time. Whatever you do, don't f*ck this up by coming home with a killer tan or let your friends post photos of you sucking some bovine's face off on Facebook.