Urinal Etiquette, Dom Mazzetti vs. Daniel Tosh, and a Different Style of Munching

by 8 years ago

Q. Yesterday a guy pissing next to me in a public bathroom goes, “anything more than two shakes is playing with it” to another guy that he didn't even know at a urinal. Is this not weird or am I wrong? 

A. So what you're saying is that you took a piss next to Michael Imperioli yesterday? “Whatever happened to pissing? Today it’s all fruitcakes who jiggle till they're dry and douchebags that wash their hands like little Nancy boys… Me, I shake my dick once so I can get back to swilling cut-rate tequila.”

Joking or not, f*ck that guy. The only time I don’t exceed two shakes is in my own apartment while wearing dirty gym shorts. Call me crazy but I don't like getting piss all over my f*cking thigh in public. And if it takes a few extra shakes to reach that level of proper care then so be it. Visible urine spots aren’t a good look.

Second, knowing the guy he said it to or not, what’s that loudmouth doing listening to his neighbor’s piss and shake rhythm? It shouldn’t matter if the guy shook it twice or a hundred f*cking times, it’s his cock to manage. Even if he was carving one out into the urinal, the other a**hole should mind his goddamn business, take his piss, and leave. 

Q. I'm a college freshman and I've never drank or smoked in my life. Suggestions?

A. Being drunk and high isn’t all it’s cracked up to be… Naw, I’m just kidding. It’s stupid fun. Really enhances your life and shit. But that’s just my opinion. You may hate it. Lots of people do. And I’ll tell you what, I’m certainly not about to buy, load, or put the gun in your hand. So take ABSOLUTELY NOTHING away from this answer. It’s a decision you have to make on your own and one that I don’t want or need any credit for should something go amiss. Good luck with it.

Q. Would you rather (A) Live in a world where we didn't have Daniel Tosh's remarkable talent to make fun of someone with no morals, or (B) Live in a world without the most quotable web videos created by Dom Mazzetti?

A.  Don't get me wrong I like Tosh’s stand-up but I have to look at f*cking homemade Internet videos all goddamn day so I hardly ever watch “Tosh.0.” On top of that, you could probably plug Louis CK into that show, throw it on HBO, and it would improve exponentially. Lastly, Mike and Gian (the minds behind Dom) are great guys and I think what they are doing with that character is incredible. So I’ll have to pick them to stay on this earth.

Q. I have been with four guys (I’m a relationship girl) and sex still hurts me. I don't know what to do considering I don't want to be considered bad in bed and I want to be able to satisfy my guys. I don't want this to also be a turn off. All I want is for sex to be amazing, and so far it hasn't been. How do I fix this!?

A. Fuck smaller dicks? Have your OBGYN stick the vag*nal equivalent of a drill press inside of you? I don’t know. And I’m a little taken back that you think I would.

This is undoubtedly a better question for Ask a Babe. Mere speculation here, but she probably has a few methods on how to widen the gap.

Q. How do I attract a Bro?

A. Cover yourself in urine, peanut butter, and vanilla extract. Then wait for your prey to flock to you. Or how about just being hot… and not utterly insane? That often does the trick. But if that fails — thanks to lack of good genes (both mental and physical) — slather on the hoe paint. No guy can resist a chick that looks she’s got a penchant for engulfing dick.

Q. Last night I told my boyfriend I couldn’t come over the next day (today) for family reasons. Today I found time to go and see him so I thought that I would surprise him. When I got there his house was quiet and his bedroom door was shut. I figured he was taking a snooze so I walked in quietly to find that he wasn’t alone. He was in his bed with another girl and on the floor was her purse and what looked like her clothes next to her bag but I couldn’t tell because his room is messy. He didn’t text me until late and he said “I missed you today.” I told him I had come by but he was sleeping and had company. He swears she was just a friend and her friend was hooking up with his best friend in the other room. She wanted a place to sleep so she passed out in his bed. Is she really just a friend who needed a place to sleep like he claims or am I just an idiot who actually is listening to his excuses after seeing it with my own eyes?

A. Self-explanatory. Next.

Q. So I got into a debate with my Bro and my little cousin on the category of “ass to mouth.” As soon as the topic was brought up both of them cringed and said in no instance should your mouth ever come close to the anal region. I agreed to disagree, but I remain eager to have this question answered. Is it O.K. to ever take your tongue on a drive down the Hershey highway? And if so do you just circle the sphinct' or attack the ace hole like a ravenous dog?

A. World-class question, my friend. Since I know everyone is sitting by with bated breath wondering if JC scarfs shit traps from time to time, I’ll just get that answer out of the way right now: NO, I DON’T. That's not to say I haven't contemplated it but the one snag I keep hitting is that SHIT SPEWS OUT OF IT!

You argue: But what if she just showered and her a**hole is fully clean? I don't care if she exfoliated the f*cking thing, what kind of certainty do you have that shit isn't still lingering, nested in the surrounding hair? None. YOU HAVE NONE. I have no problem putting my dick up there but my tongue and I can't get past that one little detail. If you can, then go for it.

That all said, hottest girl on earth says “you don't eat my a**hole, I don't f*ck you,” I devour that shit mill faster than Joey Chesnut.

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