People Shared The Weirdest Things They’ve Ever Woken Up To And Damn, Humans Are Sick
We’ve all had mornings where we woke up and wondered just the hell how something (or someone) ended up being different than we expected. 99.9% of the time it was because we were blackout drunk the night before.
But some of the answers to this “Ask Reddit” question, “What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever woken up to, drunk or sober?” are so far beyond anything I’ve ever encountered it really makes you wonder about the future of the human race.
Here are a few of the highlights(?)…
One time I blacked out and woke up in my apartment with my butt cheeks rubber cemented together.
So the full story is one night after work we were drinking in the parking lot and I downed a bottle of makers mark in the span of an hour and a half. I start stumbling around everywhere and my friends are like are you alright? And I say yeah I’m fine! I’m just gonna throw up real quick and go home. So I go to the grass in front of my car and start to puke and once I start I don’t stop. My body is wretching so hard that I fall into my puke and get it all over my clothes. My drunk ass is like damn I got puke all over my clothes, I guess these need to come off so I start to take off my clothes all the while puking making the mess wayyy worse. Tge last thing I remember before blacking out was my friends yelling at me to get up. So the next morning I wake up to a phone call and it’s my friend calling to make sure I was still alive. While I’m on the phone with him I start to notice that my butthole really really burns. My first thought was I got butt raped but I knew my friends wouldn’t let that happen to me. So I reach back to feel my ass and it was as if someone had fused my ass cheeks together like no Crack just ass. So I get off the phone with my friend and I’m frantically feeling at my ass until I move my legs and feel the rubber cement start to seperate. I look on my bed side table and see the empty bottle of rubber cement and instantly knew what happened.i then proceeded to power wash my ass in the shower to dissolve all of the rubber cement. ~ Jebronlame5
Probably my girlfriend waking up in the middle of the night. Taking a piss on my floor. Laughing while she did it then climbing back in bed like nothing happened & going back to sleep. ~ BeerMania
Thanks to Ambien, I woke up to a beautifully wrapped gift on the edge of my bed. Got out of bed and saw gift wrapping supplies all over the damn place. Realized I wrapped it myself. Opened it up and inside was my wallet and a can of coke. True story. ~ ikeandtinatuna
Sea gulls eating potato chips off of me.
Went camping on a small island and thought I’d enjoy the beautiful night by sleeping under the stars. Passed out eating a large bag of chips. When I woke up in the morning, seagulls were standing on me and around me eating chips. The bag was ripped all open and chips and seagull shit were all over me. Worth it. ~ acannon
A room filled with that orange construction fence. And by filled I mean filled! to the point where it was next to impossible to figure out how we or whoever brought it in was able to find that much. I couldnt figure where I was until I hear my friends groggy voice asking if id like a jalapeño popper. He woke up in the same room but had a baking sheet filled with jalapeño poppers on his chest. ~ DeathBySnustabtion
I started my end of football season drinking on the mainland, woke up at 5am in a dorm room on an island with no memories, no clothes and nothing covering me in a dorm room. but my phone was plugged into a charger, which was nice. ~ GordanGoat
I woke up sitting on the toilet, I had thrown up all over my balls and was completely naked apart from one sock. ~ Rhettribution
I woke up to a friend of mine masturbating (I was sleeping on the floor and woke up and saw him through the mirror. I tried to go back to sleep). ~ Tiki_Torch
I woke up to my friends having sex, we’re all females.
After a night of drinking I woke up around 5am to go pee but realized that my friends were having a pretty intense sex session right next to me. It was awkward. ~ snotananswer
Woke up the next morning after a night out, opened my bedroom door and headed towards the kitchen. Upon arriving, I see my roommate curled up on the kitchen floor, grasping and cuddling a large tupperware vat of cheese dip and a bag of tostitos.
Lots of mixed emotions, varying from “What the actual fuck” to “he looks like he’s actually trying to comfort this cheese dip as if it were his baby. Weirdly endearing” etc, etc. ~ ShrimGods
Woke up after a house party in the middle of the night to my sister pissing in the oven instead of the toilet. ~ Culvertfun
I once woke up to my step brother squatted in the corner taking a shit in the bin in his sleep. I hated sharing a room. ~ noodlemandan
I woke up in my bathroom, curled up with the bath mat. I walked out of the bathroom and there was blood all over my sink, mirror, and one wall. My roommate remembered nothing and neither did anyone we were drinking with. No one had any cuts. It still baffles us all when we talk about it. ~ MikeTheMadman
Alrighty then… that’ll do for today.
Check out the rest, along with the scintillating comments, over at Reddit and be glad none of these things ever happened to you. Right?
Women in bed image by Shutterstock