Dirty talk is the quickest, easiest, and most effective way to ratchet up the level of energy in the bedroom. With the turn of a phrase, you can find yourself moving from boring old doggy style to ‘Pair Of Tongs’, one of the most complicated sexual positions out there. But dirty talk in the bedroom can also be an immediate mood killer if it’s not used correctly, and/or if the wrong thing is said. Below, a bunch of people shared the worst things they’ve ever heard said in the bedroom and I want you bros to take notes so that you NEVER EVER EVER say any of this shit while having sex. These are things people have actually heard in the sack, not just hypotheticals, and you need to avoid them at all costs (via AskReddit):
Indysteeler:
An ex of mine at one point in time said, “Yeah, that’s it. Now pull it out and stick your tiny dick in my asshole.”
Fucking what? I don’t have a tiny dick. Needless to say I lost my boner, and completely killed the mood.
HossTM:
“Yeah that’s great, you’re doing great, keep it up” like she was my high school gym coach or something.
Screambloodyleprosy:
Having a mfm threesome with a girl and her Indigenous Australian bf “you like this Abbo cock you captain cook cunt?!”
Another was getting a german girl to talk dirty in german while fucking. After we broke up she revealed she wasn’t saying anything sexy, but rather things like “I have to pick up my washing” or “I stepped in dog shit while barefoot”
DavidJA:
This was in a homemade/amateur porn. The guy was fucking her in the ass, and she was yelling “Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!”
As if the guy was running a marathon or something
Standard12:
While I lived in a dorm there were a few of us having drinks in the lounge and the girl next door started getting railed by whoever she was with at the time. No problem. About 5 minutes later she steps up the volume and all we can hear is “cripple me, cripple me.”
billbapapa:
Girl broke out “I wanna have your abortion”
I almost choked, didn’t realize it was a line from Fight Club (book and movie outtake) and she was trying to be funny.
portchester7492:
“We have been doing this for a while can we just stop” -Ex girlfriend
halfadash6:
“Mmmm…dirty talk.”
-Me once, blanking. We both busted out laughing.
Bewmkin 531 points 14 hours ago
I’ve asked my girlfriend to just “tell me dirty things” and she’ll say things like “That laundry that you didn’t do, for the 5th time”
AbaddonSF:
My wife never has gotten the hang of dirty talk. Some of her best ones yet are:
‘I know you want to poo’
‘Stick it in my pee hole’ (long talk after this one on anatomy)
‘I can’t wait to have you cum on my penis’ (she don’t have a penis, she was going for pussy but at this time I had unsheathed)
After Cum in her ‘I love it when you make me a milkshake’
‘OMG your ankle is so hot’
teen-laqueefa:
my boyfriend and i had just spent all day moving into a new place without stopping to eat. we were starving, but also wanted a quickie before going to get something to eat.
we began making out, hands started wandering, and then the dirty talk began. he looked me square in the eyes and said “think of all of the food we’re going to eat.” i’d never been so turned on.
faspada:
“Mm yes.” Yoda voice included
iamforlogic:
Not me but my buddy, he was in bed with his girlfriend, they’d been together for 4 months. Anyway one time in bed she tells him
“Talk dirty to me baby”
And he replied with
“Oh yeah if only you were 15 years younger”
She was 23… he legit did the math down to eight. Needless to say she ran right out of there.
uffda1985:
Waited 4 years to tell this story to the world.
Was dating a beautiful, sexy, way out of my class she’s so hot kinda girl! We’ve only had sex about 3 times at this time and every time we did she just laid there. No real sounds made, would bit her lip and quietly moan, that was about it. Well I thought “Okay that’s it, this is boring, time to spice it up”. So I yell at her “Talk dirty to me, Talk dirty to me” About 30 seconds goes by and she screams out “You’re a scary monster, You’re a scary monster!”
-eDgAR-:
Not so much dirty talk, but I had sex with a girl that wanted me to call her a different name, the name of her roommate. It was really weird, but it would really turn her on, but then whenever I accidentally said her real name, she would get upset and say, “That’s not my name.” It was some of the weirdest sex I have ever had, it was bother really great and at the same time uncomfortable.
Please, for the love of God, don’t ever fucking saying this in the bedroom.
“Cyclops_:
Yeah you like that you fucking retard.”
Alright, bros, that wraps up the coverage on my end. If you want to keep reading through the AskReddit thread you can do so by clicking here. And if you’ve got some insight into this topic and want to share your own story you can drop us a line down below in the comments and/or fill out the anonymous ‘TIP OFF’ form found here!