The 10 Worst People You Might Encounter in a Public Bathroom
10. The Closet Homo
Gay or straight, this weirdo is armed with super-human peripheral vision and a hankering to see some dick. Chances are that he is not actually gay, but he simply can't help himself from glancing over at your pen*s. If you ever catch someone trying to window shop at your crotch, look him dead in the eye and then ask him what it's like to have a toddler's pen*s as you piss all over him. If he is twice your size, don't do that.
9. Tommy Target Practice
For no apparent biological reason (see: huge dick), this jerk-off stands a good 15 feet away from the urinal when he pisses. We've all played the “how far can my piss travel” game as kids, but at some point you have to grow up, take your dick out without your pants being around your ankles, and piss from a reasonable distance.
8. The Constipated Grunter
It's been almost a fort night since this guy last took a shit. Today, however, nothing short of an aneurism or his a**hole falling out is going to stop him. What he needs is an education on regularity, a gallon of Metamucil, and a colonoscopy for good measure.
7. The Chatter Box
Sparking up a conversation in a restroom with a complete stranger is almost as bad as walking up to someone while they are taking money out of the ATM. But nothing can stop this social butterfly (as he likely calls himself) and his unsolicited banter. Whether you are pissing or shitting, he has stripped you of your solitude and any joy that you might have experienced.
6. Machine Gun Ass
I'll admit, when Im standing at a urinal and some guy in a stall is firing farts off like an oozy I generally crack a smile. I'm a guy and farting is hilarious. But the best is when two of these bozos are shitting at the same time — in opposite stalls — trying to out fart one another in a little game of a**hole warfare.
5. The Heavy Breather
Usually in his late forties, this guy's life is literally in the shitter. He is the poster boy for cardio-respiratory disease and by the looks of it; he appears to be in his third trimester. Based on the noises coming from the stall, he might croak before he gets a chance to wipe his ass.
4. Homeless Guy
Indigenous to bus stations, New York City Starbucks (hippies have hearts), and other public restrooms that go unmonitored, the homeless guy loves to bathe, relieve, and jerk himself off in these areas.
3. The Smoker
I have no problem with you killing yourself by way of smoking. If you want to chain smoke an entire packs of Newports till your lungs collapse I won't dare stand in your way. We have to control the population somehow. What I do have a problem with, however, is taking an infant-sized shit in a bathroom that leaves me smelling like an ashtray when I exit. Find a f*cking alley to appease your nicotine craving, not the place where other people lay their shit to rest.
2. The Attendant
I think the world would be a far cleaner place without bathroom attendants. Personally, when I see a bathroom attendant I either forgo washing my hands or I do something completely foul to the facility as my way of telling management to go fuck themselves. I look at it this way: If I have to pay some uneducated fuck a dollar to turn on the sink so I can wash my fucking hands then you better believe that I'm snagging a stale piece of Juicy Fruit, bathing myself in Drakkar Noir, and wiping my feces somewhere on the wall.
1. The Phantom Shitter
Nothing screams I'm a selfish, uncaring prick more than making it a point to take record-size dumps on every public bathroom floor you encounter. If you are ever lucky enough to watch a man take a shit on a public floor, I strongly urge you to do so. My father recently watched a man take a shit on the casino floor at the Mohegan Sun and every time he retells the story I am overcome with envy as I can see the rapture in his eyes and hear the adamant delight in his voice from witnessing such a heinous event.