What Do You Do When You Love Your Girlfriend, But Hate Her Vagina, Plus A Killer Scavenger Hunt List

by 4 years ago

Q: I totally dig the chick I'm dating and every aspect of our relationship rocks. But there's just one problem; she's got the most vile looking shotgun wound of a snatch I've ever seen. It's like a muppet vomiting bologna. What do I do??

A: For you, it’s fight or flight, Brotha.

Just like your dick isn't ever going to grow to the 7-inches you tell people it is, that pouch of hers isn’t going to magically whip itself into shape. In fact, if vaginal rejuvenation is off the table – I’m guessing it is – today her vagina looks the best it’s ever going to look. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, are only going to make it look more and more like Keith Richards' mouth.

Can you handle that? Can you handle having to go down on that thing from now until forever? Sounds to me like you can't even stomach sharing a bed with that bruised bacon hole (kind of what you're calling it, right?) let alone put your mouth or penis anywhere near it.

This advice isn't just for men, either. It's for everyone. And I know I explain myself ridiculously sometimes, but in all seriousness, if you don't like something about the person you are with and you're never going to be able to deal with it, you have two options: leave it all behind or stay and deal with it. I don't care if you're this guy with the vaginal situation, or a chick who is tired of fucking Timmy Toothpick Dick, THERE ARE ONLY EVER TWO OPTIONS.

Unless, of course, surgery is an option. Then there are three. Good luck with that awkward conversation: “Hey, so I was thinking we can pay $15,000 and spruce up that wonky (insert junk here) of yours. Thoughts?”

Q: Hey what's up bro. So my question I recently have been hanging out with this girl and her friends. So she asked me why haven't we hooked up and I had said I don't know, so we kinda had a little kiss (more of a peck than a kiss) and this happened about 3-4 times throughout the night. I didn't want to say this in front of her but she's a very pretty girl, like has about an 8-9 for a face, BUT she is overweight. Like she's fat, so of course that's why I haven't hooked up with her b/c my friends would undoubtedly find out and give me shit for it, and I can't have that. However, if she dropped weight and became skinny, I would totally hookup/date/fuck her (anyone of the three). So when I see her at the start of next semester, how do I tell her that I'm not into her b/c she is overweight. Or should I keep it a secret and hookup with her and try to hide it from my bros?

A: I can't help but imagine you and this broad happily skipping down a path — carved from hills cloaked with heavenly scented marigolds and daffodils — if societal norms didn't exist and you could just, ya know, be with her. Gosh, you look so happy next to her, free from the shackles of judgement, as she skips alongside you with equal elation, free from the Richter scale registering with each new step. Man. That's a heck of a picture.

What can I say? Young love hits me right in the feel box.

Sadly, none of that is possible, because people are fucking pricks. That leaves us here, with you liking a fat girl but without the ability to share that joy with her or your friends.

Being embarrassed about what you actually want is the reason fetish porn exists. Not saying you have a wild BBW fantasy, but there are a lot of people out there who want things they'll never be able to have, because society is mean and they fear the repercussions of pursuing their happiness. Also, how the hell do you find a blonde Hispanic girl who has tattoos, lactates buckets, and is in love with latex? Seriously, I'm asking for a friend.

Hiding this from your friends will work for a few months, until she wants to hang out, and not just in a dark room.

So if you can't handle it, just end it.

What I suggest you also NEVER do, is tell her this ain't going to happen because she's overweight. That will only result in her getting in extreme shape, rendering her HOT AS FUCK, and then not giving the Cockless Wonder (that's you) the time of day, because he couldn't date her when she was fat.

Let her down easy, if you can't go through with it. And by that I mean ignore her. Then when she sees you out a few weeks into next semester and asks why you haven't called, blame traumatic personal shit, or say you got back with your ex, or shoot 1000lbs of beef out of a t-shirt cannon with the hopes that she goes running after it.

Hey, do you have a second to watch this ass do fantastic ass things? 

And in case you missed it, I only fathered the best Home Alone GIF on the Internet yesterday. No big deal.

Q: Hey so small question. *Big question. My friends and I are trying to organize a scavenger hunt and we're looking for some good ideas. We've had ones in years past but this year we're running out of ideas and need your almighty wisdom. It's a rowdy group with a lot of capability. Any ideas would be awesome. Thanks man.

A: (Note: This guy wrote me again this morning and his words came with an extreme sense of urgency. Likely because he said, “This is extremely urgent. Please answer ASAP.”)

A proper scavenger hunt should be somewhat difficult to complete, somewhat embarrassing, and somewhat inexpensive. Noramlly, I might put some questionable things on this list but I think I might land myself in hot horse shit if I advise anyone to break a law and they actually get caught breaking said law. With that in mind, here's a list of 19 things that shouldn't break the bank or get you arrested.

1. A selfie of a team member and a farm animal

2. Anal beads

3. A photo with old lady; she must be giving “The Shocker”

4. Pogs (bonus points for a SLAMMER)

5. A Double D Bra

6. Find a street with the first letter Z. Take a team photo standing under its sign.

7. Bring back a homeless person's “need money for food” sign (you assholes better give him money to buy food, his elixir of choice and new sign-making supplies)

8. A dollar bill signed by a stripper, with accompanying team photo with stripper (bonus points for bringing back her thong, or just get her to come along)

9. The worst 1.99 DVD you can find at a CVS

10. A photo of someone dry-humping the city’s most famous landmark

11. A photo of team member standing with a grocery store employee, both people MUST be holding fruit in place of their genitalia

12. Every team member photographed eating a Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco

13. Get the same girl to kiss every member of your team

14. A photo of a team member eating a donut with a police officer

15. A VHS starring Pauly Shore

16. A photo with another Old Lady; she must be doing what Rihanna is doing in this photo.

17. A Matchbox car (bonus points if you can find a Micro Machine)

18. The jersey of a professional athlete who retired before 2006

19. A porn DVD where the male lead is uncircumcised

Before I end this I have a question for you guys.

This past weekend I was at a Devils/Rangers hockey game. When the game was over, I'm in line to piss because I champion bladder comfort and who knows how long it's going to take to get a cab with the crowds outside MSG. Anyway, I'm there, in line, when I see a fight brewing between a drunk Devils fan and a bunch of Rangers fans who hate his ever-loving guts because they Devils won in OT. 

At one point during the altercation the Devils fan is being a huge prick but the Rangers tough guy starts to play the “countdown” card. (If you're not familiar, it's when you give someone a finite amount of time to scram before you send your fist so far down their throat their farts small like your hand for the next week.) “You've got 10 seconds to get the fuck out of here,” he says to the Devils fan. “Oh yeah?” replies the Devils fan. “Yeah. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven…I'm warning you, bro. Six. Five…” The dude makes it all the way to one. And then… 


He didn't do shit.

My question to you is: aren’t you obligated to throw a punch if you pull that move? What kind of man counts all the way to one and sits there? He put all his eggs in the “this guy is going to get scared and leave if I start counting” basket and he fucked himself. DON’T START COUNTING IF YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO SWING. 

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