It’s about time that women’s underwear had a voice, and we’re honored to bring it to you. We’re classy like that.
What They Are: Definitions vary, but for our purposes we’ll go with the baggy panties that go up to the belly button, cover more ass than a Victorian era funeral dress, and give off an air of deep sadness and despair.
What She Thinks It Says: I want to be comfortable and I don’t need to feel sexy for you degenerates.
What You Think It Says: She’s given up on the idea of ever having sex again. Then again, if she’s up for it…
What It Really Says: It’s laundry day.
What They Are: Your basic brief. Nothing flashy, but nothing that looks like it was first purchased during the Eisenhower administration either.
What She Thinks It Says: I’m not planning on anyone seeing these, but if they do, I won’t be embarrassed.
What You Think It Says: She’s kind of boring, but once they’re off, who cares?
What It Really Says: She’s maybe kind of conservative, values comfort, and probably isn’t going to give you a table dance anytime soon, or maybe she’s just not really that worried about what they say. I mean, how often do you think about what your underwear says about you?
High Cut Briefs
What They Are: A little more daring than your basic brief, the high cut brief has narrower sides that show off a little more leg, but still provides ample gluteal coverage.
What She Thinks It Says: I look pretty sexy, but no one will think I’m boning down with half the football team either.
What You Think It Says: Hmmm, she’s pretty sexy, and I bet she hasn’t boned down with half the football team.
What It Really Says: That she’s forced to navigate the ridiculous sexual politics of our society via her underwear. Or she’s pretty sexy and she hasn’t boned down with half the football team. Either way.
What They Are: High-waisted panties that offer more support while simultaneously making her look a bit slimmer. Think Spanx.
What She Thinks It Says: Damn, I look good. I just have to figure out a way to get out of these and into bed with the lights off before he sees anything.
What You Think It Says: That she’s probably insecure, but she doesn’t have to be because by the time you see them, you won’t care if she’s wearing a pro wrestling belt adorned with ostrich feathers, nuclear radiation and Bigfoot hair.
What It Really Says: That she just wants to feel good about herself and how she thinks she looks without having to feel like she’s going to pass out from wearing some medieval contraption.
What They Are: Well, just what they sound like. Here’s a helpful visual aid.
What She Thinks It Says: These are really comfortable, and for some reason my boyfriend thinks they’re sexy as hell.
What You Think It Says: That she knows you think they’re sexy as hell, and that just makes them even sexier. Let’s just try not to think too deeply on why you think something called “boyshorts” is sexy as hell.
What It Really Says: She likes that you think they’re sexy as hell, and she really, really likes that they’re comfortable. She’s probably a little playful, she’s confident and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger.
What They Are: Jesus, you do know what a bikini looks like, don’t you?
What She Thinks It Says: I can still keep some mystery without looking like a total prude, and I can still look sexy without dudes’ eyes bugging out of their heads and slobbering all over me like a Looney Tunes cartoon.
What You Think It Says: That she’s not too wild, not too conservative, just an ordinary girl who you wouldn’t mind getting to know a little better.
What It Really Says: She probably just wants to get through the day without some creepy dude leering at her because he thinks she’s a secret slut if she’s wearing a thong, but she also cares about feeling sexy. She wants to put out a vibe, but only to the right type of dude. The bikini brief is the sniper rifle to the G-String’s machine gun, which just sprays bullets everywhere and doesn’t care who it hits.
What They Are: Similar to briefs, except they ride around the hips, not the waist.
What She Thinks It Says: I know I look good, and my midriff is the destroyer of worlds.
What You Think It Says: She’s confident, sexy, and probably down for whatever.
What It Really Says: She likes the way they make her feel, and that you probably stumbled into a wormhole and emerged in the middle of a 2003 Christina Aguilera video. You’re cool with that though.
What They Are: Also called tap pants, they’re typically silky with open legs, frilly lace and all that bullshit.
What She Thinks It Says: They’re very, very comfortable, and they make her look sexy in a playful, fancy French way.
What You Think It Says: That she’s cosplaying someone from 1880.
What It Really Says: There is maybe no bigger divide between what women and men find sexy than French underwear. It says that she thinks that elaboration is sexy, that silk and lace and lots of it are where it’s at. You just want to see her butt. She’s probably a bit affected, maybe a little (or a lot) high maintenance, but beneath all that silk and lace she probably really is pretty damn sexy because at least she cares, and a good attitude towards these sorts of things never hurt, you know?
What They Are: You all know what a thong looks like. We’re all adults here. Come on now.
What She Thinks It Says: That she knows she’s sexy, she looks good and she isn’t about to let pantie lines ruin everyone’s good time.
What You Think It Says: That thong, th-thong, thong, thong (followed unsuccessfully by you trying to get the “Thong Song” out of your head the rest of the day)
What It Really Says: Yes, she likes that it makes her look sexy, but she also is just more comfortable in thongs since she doesn’t have to worry about pantie lines or the fabric bunching and then riding up her ass because, well, she’s kind of made that a moot point. Basically, she’s got her game face on (her game ass?)
What They Are: Pretty much a thong, only if the thong barely existed. The two are often used interchangeably, but we’re more discerning gentlemen than that.
What She Thinks It Says: That she’s forced by law to wear something.
What You Think It Says: Nothing, because you don’t have enough blood left in your brain to formulate human thoughts.
What It Really Says: She isn’t willing to let just anyone see the glory, glory, hallelujah, but she’s not exactly shy either, so the G-String is the tiniest compromise she can make. She’s no stripper, after all… unless, of course, she actually is.
None At All
What They Are: Uh…
What She Thinks It Says: There’s nothing between us but space and opportunity. Either that, or she has had it with the Underwear-Industrial Complex.
What You Think It Says: Space, opportunity, etc. But there’s also a twinge of fear here, isn’t there? Is this some sort of test? Is she actually completely crazy? This may be the sort of girl who winds up screaming hysterically at you and throwing a bottle of tequila at your head at 3AM.
What It Really Says: Who knows, man? All bets are off once the underwear never is actually put on. It might actually be as simple as her signaling to you in the most blatant way possible that it’s go time. Or she might be making some sort of statement about women’s rights and oppression via Big Underwear. You can’t say for sure. She also might be one of those, uh, earthy types who just doesn’t have time for the constrictions of underwear, but that’s okay because she’s already protected by an Amazon rain forest down there, complete with natives with poison darts in case you dare to explore. Or could it be that every woman is actually a unique individual with her own motives and underwear – or lack thereof – preferences? Naaaaah.
Related: Chrissy Teigen never wears underwear