Unfortunately, no one can stay a vibrant twenty-something forever. Unless you’ve got a pass to Neverland ranch eventually you’re forced to grow up. As the days pass us by, we’re treated to some not-so-subtle reminders, that slowly but surely, we’re getting pretty damn old. Here are eight signs that let you know that no matter how much you ignore it, you’re getting closer and closer to the day when you’re that angry old guy shooing kids off your lawn with a hose.
Photo credit: The Clovenhoof Society, Flickr
8 Throwing out your back
You never really know how often your back is utilized until you lose all usage of it. One can blow out their back in a variety of ways: an ill-timed attempt at picking up some luggage, a rough tackle in a pick-up football game, sleeping at a bizarre angle, and many many more. The pain itself is excruciating, but the toughest part of throwing out your back is the embarrassing amount that you’ll need someone to help you do pretty much everything. Nothing says you’re getting old like needing someone to help you get up and go to the bathroom.
7 Doing your own taxes
Once upon a time, you would hear your parents gripe to their adult friends about taxes, and how April 15th was the worst day of the year. Flash forward a couple of decades and now you can hear yourself grumbling about the same stuff. If you know exactly where your receipts are, as well as what your W-4s and W-9s actually mean; then congratulations, you’re worried about something that would confuse anyone under the age of 22.
6 Staying in on a Saturday night
Something that 97% of college kids would equate to blasphemy, staying at home on a weekend evening is a double-edged sword. On one hand, not going out has a positive effect on your liver, wallet, and general health. Maybe you’ll even get some extra work accomplished with all this non-drinking time on your hands. But on the other hand: when all’s said and done, are you going to fondly look back on all those Saturday nights you spent watching LOST on DVD?
5 You start watching the nightly news
Maybe back in the day, you took a cursory glance at the daily news just to make sure you still knew who was president and stuff. But if you’re constantly tuning into the 7pm news to hear the day’s events from your local anchors, then you’ve officially become your parents. It’s not that you don’t want to stay up until 11 to watch Jon Stewart make light of the world’s events, but sometimes 11 is just too late for your tired bones. Which brings us to our next condemning sign…
4 Going to sleep before midnight every night
Yes, it’s fun to be a night owl. Chatting on Gmail or AIM with your buddies until the wee hours of the morning may feel good, but damn some people have work in the morning. On the day where you turn off your XBox, despite the fact that you’re this close to finding a new weapon in Call of Duty, at 10 is the day that you can officially say goodbye to your vibrant youth. Sure, sleep feels good but man who knows how far you would have gotten at that level if you just kept at it?
3 You keep plants in your house
There must have been a time where you lived in such squalid conditions that even a cactus would have been starved to death. But now since you’re all responsible and stuff, there are various potted plants dressing up your pad. Taking care of plants takes a certain level of responsibility that most guys just do not have in their youth. There’s the watering, the sunlight…and that’s pretty much it. But the point here is that you have to care enough about a plant to keep it alive.
2 There is more food than alcohol in your fridge
In college, for most of us, food was mostly an afterthought. A box of half-eaten, cold pizza, some sandwiches, chips, whatever. What filled up the fridges back in the day was 18 racks of the cheapest swill money could buy. Whether it was Natty Light, Miller High Life, or some weird local brew, beer and alcohol always took up more real estate than food. Nowadays if you open your fridge and find that you’ve got more types of cheese and breads than food–well, congrats buddy you’ve moved to the next stage in life.
1 You have gray hair
This is it. Your body is breaking down, one hair follicle at a time. The once lush colors you had are slowly going away to a lifeless gray. Sure, Clooney makes it look really good, but for most people that aren’t international movie sensations, this sucks. You can color your hair sure, but that’s only delaying the inevitable. Happy trails sir.