BUZZ WILLIAMS AKA ‘THE HUMID HOKIE’
I don’t need to even know what you look like, but if I know your name is Buzz, I don’t want to sit next to you on a flight or spot you at the gym or defend you in the post in a game of pick up. Either you’re a continuous facet or you’re a large ginger with a pet tarantula who bullies his little brother Kevin and probably reeks of pork rinds.
Buzz Williams is the former, and the epitome of a high-energy guy who wakes up and goes to bed looking like he just did CrossFit in the Sahara. If only his players took after his wetness come March, when his team has a reputation of getting bounced faster than you can say ‘Get this man a towel.’
JOHN CALIPARI AKA ‘MR. GELLY FAM’
University of Kentucky
It’s impossible to determine if Calipari is sweating on the job or the gallon of hair gel he massages into his scalp is melting. I’d guess it’s the latter because when you’ve had as many incriminating allegations made against you as Cal has, coaching a basketball game is as easy as a University of Kentucky education for a scholarship player.
With the Wildcats likely to lock down another number 1 seed, you’ll likely be seeing a lot of Calipari in March, who may actually break a sweat fighting his players when they try to change into NBA jerseys at halftime.
WILL WADE AKA ‘WADE IN THE SHADE’
Louisiana State University
Will Wade has lead LSU to a top 15 ranking, which is the biggest achievement ever for a college coach who’s yet to reach 15 himself. Wade is en route to leading the Tigers to the best record in over a decade, a monumental achievement for a coach who still has his learner’s permit and hasn’t yet developed sweat glands.
I’d expect the only times you’ll see this fresh-faced man child with beads on his brow is when he’s asking his crush to prom or the store clerk asks to see ID when he tries to buy a sixer of wine coolers.
WAYNE TINKLE AKA ‘TINKLER THE SPRINKLER’
Little known fact about Wayne Tinkle: When he’s not manning the ship for the Oregon State Beavers, he’s volunteering down at the local jail where his armpits are used to hose incoming inmates off before they’re issued jumpsuits.
An honorable thankless job that no one asked him to do, besides his wife, who is tired of waking up with her nightstand floating away.
Don’t feel sorry for her though, the writing was on the wall for marrying a guy named ‘Tinkle.’
MIKE KRZYZEWSKI AKA ‘COACH KOOL’
Serious question: Has anyone ever witnessed Coach K sweat?
He coaches in a gym the size of a Manhattan studio apartment and is constantly battling the collective hot breath of hundreds of Duke nerds who just discovered Fireball, all while in a suit heavier than a War on Drugs album.
Come to think of it, the only time Coach K has ever been spotted with perspiration on his brow is when he’s trying to spell his own last name.
JIMMY PATSOS AKA ‘THE SACRED SIENA SWEAT SPIRIT’
I don’t know what God Jimmy Patsos is praying to but that church just got one more disciple.
Hey Jimmy, how many Hail Marys do I have to recite for a deity to make me a sweat angel? I would never think to use you name in vain, Jimbo, but if you’re actually a divine force, how come you can’t even resurrect your own team from irrelevance? Should I be praying to you or for you?
Unfortunately, we won’t be seeing Patsos’ sweat wings in the Big Dance, but I’m sure they’ll make an appearance during his year-end review.
BRUCE PEARL AKA ‘BRUCEY MEAT SWEATS’
Bruce Pearl always looks like he’s about one Italian sausage away from flooding his suit with meat sweats.
The meat sweats are a unique strain of perspiration that attack random areas of the midsection and underboobs and leaves nebulous patches of wetness on the fabric it comes in contact with.
This is precisely why Coach Pearl’s shirt often looks like a map of Pangea and probably smells like a Jimmy Dean factory and cheap cologne.
SEAN MILLER AKA ‘I ACTUALLY THINK THIS GUY MAY HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION’
Is there still 8 minutes left in the first half or is it 4 am in a club in Ibiza and Sean Miller’s grinding his teeth and bouncing foot-to-foot while the lights come on and staff mops up around him?
I mean, Jesus, I haven’t seen anyone sweat this much at a ‘Big Dance’ since Kenny Powers popped a molly before chaperoning the school dance. A source within Wildcat locker room claims Miller’s halftime speeches are like no one else’s in college basketball. Apparently he just forces his team form a circle while he break dances in the middle for 15 minutes.
Ok, I’m typically not one to pull punches, but I’m going to hold off on any more jokes because it seems like Sean Miller has a perspiration problem and needs to consult a medical professional. Thoughts, prayers, and towels appreciated.
Craving more salty perspiration? Stay tuned for another batch of coaches looking to capture the coveted crown of ‘Sweatiest Coach In America.’