Let me preface this by saying I am fully aware that these two gigantic gentlemen, the President and CEO 0f Blackstone Labs, could kick my ass. They couldn’t beat me in a foot race or a game of “how much of your back can you touch with your hand?” but they could do dastardly things to my handsome face. That said, HOLY SHIT THIS VIDEO, THIS PRODUCT.
Every time I see an ad for a ridiculous supplement, my inner voice reads it in a Will Arnett-type growl. I think this habit dates back to the first time my life was graced by Animal Pak marketing. Their outrageous ads forced me to read them like an outrageous asshole. For instance, I can’t read this next passage without using a voice that sounds like I just swallowed a wheelbarrow full of gravel.
“You’ve been searching for the truth about training… Well look no further brothers. It’s all right here. No bullshit, no hype—just the straight facts. So let’s rock ‘n roll. The plates are waiting.”
How dare we make the plates wait!
Anyway, last Friday, a few of the guys in the office tipped me off to this new product, Euphoria. They know I appreciate ridiculous fitness shit and this falls right into the sweet spot of that genre. They first showed me the product description, which includes this blurb (below) about the ride Euphoria will take you on. Remember, read it like your balls are submerged in boiling water and because you’re a fucking man, it feels so good.
Here’s what you will experience each time you supplement with Euphoria: We recommended that you take on an empty stomach for maximum effectiveness. Start off with 4-6 capsules and prepare for the ride of your life. At first you won’t experience much – don’t worry it’s coming! After 15 minutes you’ll begin to have your face, ears, and neck get warmer. A slight tingle will rush down your back and into your shoulders. As the seconds and minutes pass you’ll quickly start to let every care and worry in your mind and body slip away. Many users have told us they experienced strong sexual desires simply by touching their own skin or by having a significant other rub their shoulders. After 30 minutes you will be at the climax of your journey. Nothing in the world will be of the matter. At this stage of the ride you’ll be thinking, “How can I get more of this stuff?!” The pleasure will be so overwhelming that you will wish it could last forever. But as soon as the experience started, it will subside shortly after an hour an a half of ingesting.
After that, I went on to read the two product reviews. And if it weren’t for the two star rating they would probably be number one and two on the list of “Product Reviews Most Likely To Be Written By The Owner Of The Company.”
As if the whole product itself wasn’t outlandish enough, the President and CEO of Blackstone Labs released the video below on Monday. Let me tell you, it is something else. From the 5:35 mark to the end of the video (because they needed a 7-minute video to promote this shit) one of the guys pretends to fuck a blow up doll. Why? Because do you even EUPHORIA, Bro?
Suffice it to say, the list of people this video it is not safe for is lengthy and includes but is not limited to: children, the elderly, epileptics, and women who are attracted to jacked meatheads, because just watching this carnal display could easily shift your womb six inches in any direction.