These Boston College Bros Made Last Place In Their Fantasy Football League Retake The SATs
A lot of fantasy football leagues get their rocks off by humiliating the last place finisher with a punishment for being the skid mark of the entire establishment. In most cases, the punishment happens quickly. The season ends, the loser takes it on the chin by doing something that usually makes him look like a fucking turd and then he has the next 10 months to lick his wounds and regroup. But for this group of Bros, who formed their league when they attended Boston College, they decided to make the loser sweat it out because the loser of this league had to retake the SATs and do it in a classroom full of high school kids, while he wore his varsity letterman jacket from 2006. Brutal.
Here is the email we received from the league commissioner, who was also nice enough to provide some photographic evidence of the whole ordeal.
A bunch of my buddies from Boston College and I started a fantasy football league (obviously titled BC BROS) our sophomore year like any average college kids. We graduated a few years ago, but the league still goes strong.
Like an idiot, I assumed the role of commissioner. The league happens to be a keeper league, so it lives and dies with people actually being competitive all season long. Honestly, there’s nothing more frustrating than seeing someone try and trade someone like Randy Moss or Ryan Leaf to one of with one of the shit teams at the bottom for like Peyton Manning, or seeing one of the last place teams vie for the first overall draft pick by benching everyone. Idiots, man, idiots.
So, after four years of listening to complaints about scoring and watching the competition dwindle in the bottom half of the league towards playoff time, I decided we would spice things up a little. A friend of mine once told me that he had to take an SAT II as a punishment for something, so I looked into it. It turns out people older than high school age can take the SAT just like 15, 16 and 17 year olds. I figured why not go all the way and make the loser sign up and take the full SAT (essay included) alongside high school students at a local high school?
My friend, let’s call him Joey M., had a season just like his beloved Jets. He sucked – that’s what happens when you draft with your heart, especially when his heart told him to take Geno Smith. I guess you could say he had it coming. We couldn’t have had a better loser than him, to be honest. Joey graduated with us from BC a few years ago, and then went on to get his MBA and CPA from BC as well before becoming an accountant. He’s a smart guy.
If he doesn’t consider this SAT one of his proudest post-graduate accomplishments, then I don’t know what to say.
We set several ground rules for his test taking experience:
-He couldn’t disturb any of the kids that were taking the test for real.
-He couldn’t make any of those kids uncomfortable in anyway whatsoever.
-He couldn’t get tossed from the test – meaning no matter how hung over he was, he wasn’t allowed to puke.
-He had to wear the high school’s lacrosse letterman jacket from 2006, along with a booster club hat, and seniors ’06 shirt.
-He had to write legibly for the essay portion
-He could write whatever he wanted for the essay, he didn’t have to follow the prompt. (We were hoping he would write something funny)
-Take the full test or get kicked from the league
We originally weren’t going to set a minimum score for him to reach, but after further discussion the night before, we decided he had to get at least a 1500. Also, when it came to math, he had to score better than one of the other guys in our league who had gotten like a 370 or some shit back when he was applying to colleges. The kid in question claims that it was his first time around with the SAT – we still have no idea how he got into BC.
Anyways, the essay, which is attached, was about loyalty. If for whatever reason you can’t read his handwriting, or don’t want to, he actually followed the prompt. He also name dropped a few of us very subtly into the essay, so I blurred that out. I have no idea why he went with the prompt, but he did. Basically he wrote about why he was such a loyal friend for taking the test and referred to himself in the third person as “the man” kinda like the many faces guy from Game of Thrones. He was going to get his ass kicked out of the league if he didn’t go through with this, so I don’t know where loyalty comes into the discussion.
The test date was May 2. Apparently that was a big testing date for juniors and ambitious sophomores who wanted to get a head start on the college process, so we chose that as the day to go for it. He has a Massachusetts ID, and evidently you have to prove your identity every time you enter or exit the testing room during breaks. His proctor didn’t say anything about the letterman jacket he was wearing or his age, rather she only asked why he came all the way to New York to take the test. He answered, “They stopped giving the test in Boston.” He claims that she actually believed him.
As a side note, I gave up tickets to both a Rangers 2nd round game against the Caps and the Mayweather – Pacquiao fight in Vegas that day just so I could see him take this test, so if you want to talk about loyalty, there it is.
I will say, though, seeing the absolute look of horror on his face as he walked through the high school’s doors wearing the letterman jacket and covered head to toe in the school’s colors was priceless. All 12 of us dropped him off at 7:30am. He didn’t finish the test until about 2:00ish. It was also pretty easy to tell that some of the parents dropping their kids off weren’t so happy to see a bunch of 24/25 year old guys at the high school.
640 in Critical Reading
560 in Math
620 in Writing with an 8 out of 12 on the essay.
1820 total out of 2400. The score sheet says that his total score indicates how prepared he is for “college level work.” He claims that with his true high school GPA that he would have been able to go to BC all over again, but maybe off the wait list.
He also beat our friend’s hideous Math score from high school.
I have attached to the email his scoring report and both pages of the essay. I’ve blurred out any names on the essay pages.
That’s not a bad effort. In fact, I’m kind of shocked how well he did. If I took the SATs right now, the print out with my results wouldn’t even show a score. It would just show the address of the nearest Empire Beauty School.
[H/T and photos via Gunnar Esiason]