5 Essential Movie Characters To Have In Your Wolf Pack For A Degenerate Weekend In Vegas
In a perfect world, after every monotonous, soul-sucking work week, we’d have the option to transport ourselves to Las Vegas strip with a pack of our most electric buddies. We’d spend the weekend trying to compound our week’s paycheck at the casino at night, sucking down adult beverages by the pools during the day, and the rest of the time would be allocated to drawing a phallic symbol on the face of that one friend that simply wasn’t prepared for Vegas.
But we do not live in a perfect world. Nope, we live in a world where assholes win the lottery, Despacito is the most streamed song ever, and my ex won’t return my phone calls. So to replace that uninhibited sense of liberation that Sin City brings, we must get our kicks elsewhere. And that’s where online gambling comes into play. Sure, nothing can substitute for a weekend in Vegas but you can make just as much money and you won’t have a crotch rocket drawn on your face.
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Now back to fantasy land. Lets pretend for a minute that we pluck any five characters from any movie to create an ultimate Vegas wolf pack. Who would you pick? Why? Well here are the top 5 characters I think would become their best selves and bring the best out of me during a debaucherous Vegas weekend. Actually, I’d probably die.
Shooter McGavin — Happy Gilmore
Born winner. Ranking in the top 10 in career earnings on the PGA Tour, McGavin has deep pockets deeper than the lake on 16 that Gilmore’s caddy bathes in. He’s a guy you want by your side in the casino because winning is contagious. Even if he’s dealt a Chubbs Peterson hand, he’ll turn it into more money than gramma Gilmore’s nimble little fingers can count. There’s absolutely zero chance Shooter walks about out of a Vegas casino without a check bigger than Big Foot’s fat foot.
And if you think for a second that McGavin’s best days are behind him, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Shooter was recently spotted tailgating with Bills Mafia getting so hammered he forgot Grizzly Adams had a beard. McGavin is a five-tool player and no-brainer to include in the wolf pack. The only thing that concerns me is waking up to the smell of human feces as he deep fries a piece of steaming shit for breakfast. That can’t be good for a hangover.
Chaz Reinhold —Wedding Crashers
Alpha. This dude could sell a pair of binoculars to Stevie Wonder and could sure as hell convince a Vegas club bouncer to let a pack of dicks skip a line. Little does that poor bastard know that Chaz banged his girlfriend back in 2002 after a hot yoga class while his mom prepared meatloaf just steps away.
But Reinhold brings more to the table than just table dances. He’s a guy you want in your ear when you’re conscience kicks in at the roulette table and you’re suddenly above throwing grandma’s will money on black. He’ll remind me that the biggest risks in life have the biggest rewards and my grandmother was a crappy lay anyway. My grandmother, Chaz? Really? But Chaz’s unforgiving amorality is a blessing and a curse. A man who knows no limits is bound by nothing. And that’s someone I want around me. For no more than 72 hours.
Kip Dynamite — Napolean Dynamite
You can’t have a group consisting solely of alpha males on a weekend in Sin City because you’ll probably end up dead. Kip is walking life insurance. He’s the unsung hero who’s going to iron your shirt before hitting the casinos, clean the dribble of vomit off your chin, and crash on the couch when all the hotel beds are taken.
But, Kip didn’t make this list just because he can be strong-armed easily. Kip is what I like to classify as a Pushover With Potential. He may not look the part, but a guy like him is destined to have one night where he disappears into the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas only to appear the next day with hickies on his neck, cash in his pocket, and tattoo across his spaghetti armed bicep that reads All-American Badass. The Pushover With Potential cannot be underestimated in any friend group.
The Dude — The Big Lebowski
Sure, he once tried to buy a carton of milk at the grocery store with a bad check and hasn’t changed his underwear since Bush was in office, but The Dude just has that it factor. Does he smell like taint and bong water? It’s possible. Does he brush his teeth with Mountain Dew? He could. Does he have more DUIs than dollars in the bank? That’s none of my business.
All I need to know is that when I’m losing my cool on the blackjack table and Kip’s too busy playing the penny slots and baby talking with LaFawnduh on FaceTime, The Dude is going to be there to calm my nerves by telling me to money is just paper and that he needs a few bucks that he’ll definitely pay me back when his disability check comes in.
Glen Gulia — The Wedding Singer
Without question the biggest dirtbag on this list. Unprecedented douche canoe. Cheater. Womanizer. Ponzi Scheme Operator. Gulia has screwed more people out of money than Fyre Festival. Certainly not a guy you want babysitting your children, but for a 72-hour bender, could not be more ideal.
Gulia’s a guy who you don’t realize is a total piece of McGavin’s breakfast until a day after you spend the weekend with him. He’s got that sneaky, intoxicating charm that can make any Vegas night interesting, but he’s just evil enough to steal a cop car and take you and your buddies up and down the strip with the siren on. A guy who’s as unpredictable as a Kardashian marriage can drum up a good time at the drop of a hat.
And if you threaten to expose his fraudulent pyramid scheme, he’ll probably throw you a few grand in hush money. Gravy train.
There you have it, fellas. The fab five. Please let me know in the comment section if you’d have different characters in your wolf pack and don’t forget to sign up for MYBookie Casino using promo code: BROCHIP to receive a 100% bonus and a $25 chip to throw around. Deals, deals, deals.
And hey, good luck out there.