Overlord David Stern Releases NBA 2012-2013 Schedule: Here’s What You Need To Know
- The season opens with the Washington Wizards visting the Cleveland Cavaliers, a showcase matchup that features the best of what the NBA has to offer. As if this weren't enough of a dissapointment, Kyrie Irving will not be dressing up as an old man.
- More of a riot prevention tactic than anything, the Wizards/Cavs epic will be followed by the Heat hosting the Celtics, which will be followed by Mavericks visiting the Lakers
- The Heat will be receiving their championship rings, which will likely force Paul Pierce's chin to protrude more than usual.
- Will be interesting to see how Ray Allen's mom fits in with the other Heat parents. Will they welcome her with open arms, or will she be forced to endure a series of middle school clique exclusion tactics?
- The Brow makes his NBA debut, facing up against Tim Duncan and the Spurs
- This will be the first time a father guards his son
- Brooklyn goes hard, as the Nets host the Knicks at the newly gentrified Barclays Center
- The game is likely to shatter the previous single-game record of most slam-poets in attendance
- Jeremy Lin returns to Madison Square Garden
- James Dolan hides under a table
- The over/under on number of minutes Sportscenter talks about the postgame Lin/Carmelo handshake is set at 246.
- The NBA features the ultimate crown-jewel of not-so important games overhyped solely because big market potential, as the Knicks play the Lakers
- The real matchup on Christmas Day is the Thunder/Heat, their first meeting since the NBA Finals. Yes, buddy.
- LeBron returns to Cleveland as an NBA Champion of Champions of chosen Championship-tude, which will likely receive much more coverage than it needs to partly because people like me will be blogging about it incessantly
- Blake Griffin will continue to star in commercials where its impossible to tell whether he's uncannily hiliarious or awkward as f*ck
- The phrase KAAAAAAHHHN will be uttered by sportwriters and media-types approximately 984 times.
- Teams will actually get days off
- With a crop of rising young teams (Pacers, Grizzlies, Clippers, and my darkhorse T-Wolves), a crop of “yea, we ready” teams (Heat, Thunder, Bulls) and an uncompromising old guard (Lakers, Spurs, Celts), this should be another season for the ages.