The League Delivers in Season Two as We Deliver the Week 14 NFL Picks

by 8 years ago

Locks of the Week:

New England -3 over CHICAGO
In lieu of picking games I like the most for the locks this week, I went with the three games I felt least confident about. I figure they can't be any worse then what I've been churning out so far this year. The Bears have been f*cking with gamblers all year long and it continued with their inability to cover a short spread against the Lions last week. The Pats beat those same Lions rather handily on Thanksgiving and look like an unstoppable force right now. Still, there's something about those Bears where they just seem to find ways to win games and that's all they'll need to do this week to cover the spread.

Cincinnati +9 over PITTSBURGH
The Bengals already waved goodbye to their season long ago, yet we really haven't seen the outburst we've all been hoping for. Their defense has given up more than 20 points in every game since Week 3, so there's no reason to think that will stop in the 'Burgh. They're probably not as bad as they look, having lost nine straight games, but the schedule was due to be tough on them since its difficulty is based on the team's performance in the previous season. Fans in Cincinnati are now hoping the Bills and Panthers win a couple more games so the Bengals can draft Andrew Luck. Still, nine points seems like a lot for a divisional game against a team with a beat-up offensive line and quarterback.

SAN FRANCISCO -5.5 over Seattle
San Francisco has decided to go back to Alex Smith at quarterback. He's only had 50 career games at the position already to prove himself. Mike Singletary must not think that's a lot even though the rest of us know Smith would've been more successful had he stayed in Utah, married multiple women, and gotten a job at Hendricks. On the flip side, Seattle has been so piss-poor on the road this season that a spread like this is probably insurmountable for them to cover.

Trap Game of the Week:

JACKSONVILLE -4 over Oakland
It's not that I'm ready to believe in the Jaguars as much as I feel Oakland will be completely unmotivated. They played one of their rivals last week and they're surely not going to have the same emotion after coming across the country for an early start. Vegas obviously isn't much of a believer in the Jags either if they'd only be favored by 1 if this game was on a neutral field.

Rest of the Picks:

DETROIT +7 over Green Bay
Drew Stanton didn't look that bad at QB for the Lions last week. If he plays like this for the rest of the year, some team will trade the Lions a nice draft pick for him. He just needs someone to help him work on his “Dougie” because that was a terrible performance after his touchdown last week.

Atlanta -7.5 over CAROLINA
It's rather terrible, but I kinda get jazzed up every time I see the commercial where the Falcons are riding the school bus bobbing their heads with the little kids. I'm ready to get out there and Play 60 that's for sure. Don't tell the other people at my office, but that was the secret as to why the team I captained won our office flag football tournament last week. It had nothing to do with the former D3 RB on my team whose experience no one knew about. Back to the game at hand: The Panthers got themselves a 14-0 lead last week and they still managed to piss it away. The readers want me to pick the Falcons every week, so this week they'll be happy with me.

Cleveland +1 over BUFFALO
It’s been a looooong time since the Bills were favored in a game. Shame they can’t stop the run and Peyton Hillis is walking through that door.

Tampa Bay -3 over WASHINGTON
This could be the end for the Bucs after a heartbreaking loss to the Falcons last week despite holding a 10-point lead in the first quarter. They also didn't only lose the game. They lost their starting center and their shutdown corner for the season. Even without them you have to believe in Jaaaaash Freeman! Still, it’s their opponent this week who looks like they've quit on their coach and has started booking tee times for the offseason. Shanahan continues to prove he's nothing without Elway and Terrell Davis.

N.Y. Giants -3 over MINNESOTA
After seeing the Giants create six turnovers last week, it doesn't matter for me who plays quarterback for the Vikings this week. Tarvaris threw three picks last week and a Favre at less than 100% is bound to throw a few if he plays. What's not to like?

St. Louis +9 over NEW ORLEANS
When you play in the NFC West and your out-of-conference games are against the AFC West, you don’t exactly have much history as a big underdog. With the Ravens ahead on the schedule for the Saints, they might be looking ahead.

SAN DIEGO -6.5 over Kansas City
Last week’s effort by San Diego was such a disgrace. It typifies how Norv Turner isn’t a good head coach. I’m only taking them this week because they’re either playing against Matt Cassel, who won’t be at 100% after an appendectomy, or Brodie Croyle. The Chiefs might be better off with the surgeon who performed the appendectomy than Brodie Croyle, who’s 0-9 as a starter in his career.

N.Y. JETS -6 over Miami
How many goddamn snacks did the Jets eat this week after looking hungover in New England last Monday night? That was as embarrassing a performance as they could’ve had. My dad keeps asking me how this Jets team is any good when their offense looks so bad on a consistent basis. I’m sure there are some Jets apologists somewhere that will defend their team, but I’m not buying it. They’ve averaged 7.6 points scored in the first half of their last 6 games. They should cut back on the time spent creating the post-game spread and start working on a better game plan.

Denver -4 over ARIZONA
The Cardinals are giving the Panthers a run for their money as the worst team in the league these days. You can decide what’s worse: this game or the new Hugh Jackman movie called “Real Steel.” A movie about rock ‘em, sock ‘em robots? Really? The tag line should be, “Real Steel — your pride is thing that gets hurt.”

DALLAS +3.5 over Philadelphia
Sure the loss of Dez Bryant hurts, but the fact that the Cowboys have found the running game is more important. Tashard Choice should’ve been involved the whole season. Cue the Eagles fans bashing me…

Baltimore -3 over HOUSTON
John Harbaugh is getting a little defensive. He’s upset at Ravens fans for questioning the coaching staff and the play calls. It must be that time of the month.

This Week: 0-1
Last Week: 5-11
Season Record: 90-97-6

Locks: 14-23-2

Survivor: 10-3

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