The Top 10 White-Trash Major League Pitchers
10. Jonathan Papelbon
He let his dog, Boss, eat the ball that made the final out to win the 2007 World Series. When contacted for questioning regarding his behavior, Boss told us to f*ck off.
9. Randy Johnson
I don't even need to do any research or toss out any fun white-trash facts — this is one book I can safely judge by its cover. And a divine cover it is.
8. David Wells
My friend nominated Wells just because he is fat and “wrote” a book entitled “Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball.” Those are hard facts to both ignore and refute but I wasn't completely compelled until I saw this picture.
7. Dallas Braden
I really enjoyed how Braden freaked out, and with good cause, when A-Rod tried to prance over his pitching mound after he got him out. It showed that the guy has some moxie. (Pitching a perfect game a few weeks later didn't hurt.) Truth be told, Braden is really only on this list because he looks like trash and he had a very modest upbringing in Stockton, Calif. I'd classify him as more of a red neck than white trash, but let’s just roll with it.
6. Rod Beck
The 1994 NL Rolaids Relief Man of the Year passed away in his home in 2007. The police found cocaine all over his house but they apparently left some for whoever was responsible for picking out Beck's burial outfit… his Cubs uniform.
5. Dennis Eckersley
Eckersley looks the part with that head of hair and his famous duster, but what sold me was that even though he battled alcoholism during his prime, he never missed a beat on the field of play. And that is a true sign that he has some deep-seeded, white-trash lineage.
4. Joba Chamberlain
His mother and crystal meth are old friends. She can't, however, say the same about her relationship with mirrors.
3. Brett Myers
In 2006, Myers was out at a bar with his wife when apparently she got mouthy and he decided the only way to calm her down would be to belt her in the face, with his fist. I can see it now: the guy came home from a long day of work with a box of wine and a carton of Kools in tow and then he surprises her by taking her to shoot some pool. But then the hag has the nerve to complain about how she hasn't eaten all day and how dinner — on top of all his other kind gestures — would have been nice. Bad move, hun.
2. Roger Clemens
I can look past the fact that he took performance-enhancing drugs because sometimes you have to cheat old age. I even am able to see past the fact that he hired a lawyer named Rusty. But something I can't look past is that his affair with country singer Mindy McCreedy allegedly started when she was only 15 years old. Dirtbag ate that cherry before it was ripe.
1. John Rocker
Rocker has been said to be an inspiration for “Eastbound and Down,” so there was no way he wasn't slipping into the top spot on this list. Plus, like most people who are inbred trash, he ruined his entire career by opening his mouth and crucifying himself through his unwavering bigotry. In a 1999 interview, Sports Illustrated’s Jeff Pearlman asked him what he would do if he ever got traded to a New York team. In his eyes, he probably found his answer to be less unreasonable than the question:
“I'd retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing… The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”
Who else would you put in your white-trash bullpen? Sound Off in the Comments…