Harvard Men’s Soccer Season Cancelled Over Sexually Explicit ‘Scouting Report’ Of Female Recruits

By 11.04.16

According to a report from The Harvard Crimson, the University’s men’s soccer team has been writing sexually graphic “scouting reports” on female recruits dating back to 2012. Rather than chalking something like this up as “locker room talk” or “just guys being guys talkin’ bout pussy grabbin’ and shit,” Harvard has decided to cancel the rest of the season for the Men’s soccer team.

What could these “scouting reports” have possibly said to warrant the whole season being scratched? Here’s some of what it included via The Harvard Crimson.

The author of the “report” often included sexually explicit descriptions of the women. He wrote of one woman that “she looks like the kind of girl who both likes to dominate, and likes to be dominated.”

Oh here we go.

Each woman was assigned a hypothetical sexual “position” in addition to her position on the soccer field.

“She seems relatively simple and probably inexperienced sexually, so I decided missionary would be her preferred position,” the author wrote about one woman. “Doggy style,” “The Triple Lindy,” and “cowgirl” were listed as possible positions for other women.

Just in case you’re unfamiliar with The Triple Lindy, per Urban Dictionary,  “A sexual position that requires the strength of Superman and the dexterity of Spiderman (and, if you like it kinky, Batman’s mask and rubber nipples). If you’re looking at it from the side it looks like the woman is flying. Except she’s not flying, she’s being held up from underneath by the guys hands and from her spladge by the guys penis. So the guy, standing up with his knees bent, has to hold her up without breaking his back and she has to keep her body in line with his penis without breaking hers. How they manage to do that and still thrust is amazing and probably involves fitness.”

Oh my.

Moving on.

The author also assigned each woman a nickname, calling one woman “Gumbi” because “her gum to tooth ratio is about 1 to 1.”

“For that reason I am forced to rate her a 6,” the author added.

Do bigger gums mean a bigger chance of getting the gum disease known as GINGIVITIS? If so, I feel like a six is generous.

“She seems to be very strong, tall and manly so, I gave her a 3 because I felt bad. Not much needs to be said on this one folks,” the author wrote about another woman.

Concluding his assessment of one woman, the author wrote, “Yeah… She wants cock.”

This whole “scouting report” assignment seems unnecessarily laborious. I get that it’s more for laughs (AKA LOCKER ROOM TALK!!!) than anything else, but by the end these guys are probably struggling for shit to say. They just want it to be over with. Probably why he concluded with “Yeah… She wants cock” and not something more creative.

Anyhoo… if you want to read all about the fallout, head over to The Harvard Crimson. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go work on my conditioning. I need to pull off The Triple Lindy by New Years Eve. #goals


TAGSCollegeHarvardmen's soccerSoccerWTF

Join The Discussion