These are scary times, we live in a world where men wear candy bracelets and its not for luring small children into a van. Wearing a snapback and neon clothing shows you know how to make several terrible decisions before you’ve even left the house in the morning. Snapbacks are the new trucker hats, which are the new fedoras. Every time you put one on people know you come from a long line of terrible cranial coverings. The only thing more confusing than why men would put both of these on at once is why either of these were created at all.
Neon colored clothing started with hunters so it’s actually for rednecks that can’t tell the difference between a deer and their cousin. Then ravers adopted it, it’s ironic people that only look good in the dark want to be so bright. People like it because it glows under a black light but so do scorpions and stains from bodily fluids, cover yourself in those instead. Now only D-bags wear neon, the brightest colors are always worn by the dullest people. It already hurts to look at assholes with neck and hand tattoos who are above the age of 25, they’re only making it worse by wearing the same colors as a Chernobyl victims skin. Placing bright yellow, orange, and green on yourself lets the world know you’re the type of dude who’d eat a roach for $2 after 4 Milwaukee’s Best. Neon doesn’t make you look good, it makes you look like a highlighter jizzed on you. Some guys give excuses like “it’s peacocking”. When there are five of you wearing it, it’s not peacocking, its a bunch of bros that look like a kaleidoscope of poor decision making. The only good thing neon has done is point you to the nearest terrible bar.
Snapbacks are just as bad, they were invented in the 80’s and weren’t even bearable then. Snapbacks were the type of hat your grandpa brought back from his vacation or the weird kid made you decorate with fabric paint at his birthday party. In the 80’s the only person who ever wore snapbacks were the poor kids who’d get them for free or Dads who did cocaine. They’re the type of hat that says “I don’t really like me either”. Like Fedoras, snapbacks let the world know you’re the friend that everyone secretly hates. Snapbacks are a slippery slope to visors, which only look good on female tennis players and Hunter Thompson. Remove the top half of a snapback and all of a sudden you’re good at a sport only white people care about. It’s hilarious the most popular snapbacks come printed with patterns of things like diamonds, something the owner can’t afford, or embroidered with words like “Bravery” and “Respect”, something the owner can’t read. If only they actually broke the backs of people asinine enough to wear them.
People who say ratchet need to get beaten with a ratchet, people who say that while wearing neon and a snapback need to go back to their childhood and find out who hurt them. The only excuse to be dressed in a color so obnoxious is to let cars know you’re a target as you cross the street. Men, the days of dressing in colors so flamboyant Liberace would call you a faggot is over. It’s time to burn those snapbacks. Put on a nice collard shirt, a suit, a T-Shirt, it really doesn’t matter. Everyone would rather see a guy with a pony tail and sandals than ever see one in neon again. The only thing a girl thinks when you walk by looking like a glowing idiot is “I get it now, lesbians”.
See Bread Foster live at Broadway Comedy Club this Thursday. Follow him on all the social media!