We don’t expect people to be particularly coherent when they call 911 – usually when awful things are happening, it’s hard to stay coherent. But the callers listed here take things to a whole new level. These 911 calls are bizarre, idiotic and hilarious. When Public Enemy did “911 Is A Joke,” I don’t think this is how they meant it.
A Kissimmee, Florida woman found herself “trapped” in her own car after the electrical system failed and the automatic door lock on her key fob wouldn’t unlock the door. Panicking, she called 911, telling the dispatcher that she was starting to get very hot and was worried about her safety. Thankfully, the dispatcher was a little bit smarter and told the nitwit woman to manually unlock her door by pulling up the lock – you know, how doors in cars have been unlocked for decades.
Having speed dial on your cell phone can be a real time-saver, but if you’re a criminal you might want to take 911 off. When dispatchers in Portland, Oregon got a butt dial through the switchboard, they went to hang up before they realized that they were accidentally eavesdropping on a drug deal. Instead of hanging up, they tracked the GPS on the phone to an alley just a block away from the police station, where they arrested Raleigh Reynolds for drug possession and delivery.
People get pretty intense about their fast food, but nobody beats this California woman who dialed 911 because Burger King wasn’t giving her the right kind of cheeseburger. She was returning from taking her kids to Tae Kwon Do practice and just wanted a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, only to get a normal burger instead. So incensed, she dialed the emergency number and got an operator who really wasn’t having any of her nonsense.
Normal people know that 911 is for life and death emergencies only. Nashville, Tennessee woman Hee Orama must have thought her love life qualified. In 2009, Orama was picked up by police for repeatedly calling the emergency dispatcher to complain that her boyfriend was lying about marrying her. Officers were sent to her house twice to tell her to stop calling unless a real emergency came up, but she refused to stop calling until they arrested her.
One of the most legendary epic 911 calls of all time came when Officer Edward Sanchez was served marijuana-laced brownies and proceeded to have a full-fledged freakout on the line with a dispatcher. Sanchez had swiped the pot from people he arrested and his wife baked them up, but they hit him pretty strongly, and the 911 call features his wasted voice claiming that he was dying. Yes, because people die from marijuana all the time.
A lot of these idiotic 911 calls come from Florida, home of insane crime of all varieties. One of the most notorious 911 callers is Lawrence Gauthier, who was arrested for dialing the emergency line dozens of times to make bizarre requests, including “for TV news to be arrested.” Apparently the anchors at Channel 2 News had done something to get him fired up and he wanted deputies to head down there and take him off the air, but the dispatcher wasn’t having it and eventually cops brought him in to the county jail.
If you wanted to ask a police officer out on a date, there are plenty of good ways to do it. Drop by the station, ask the desk sergeant to leave a message in their mailbox. The worst way to get a date with an officer of the law is probably by calling their emergency response number. Lorna Dudash of Aloha, Oregon got an eyeful of an attractive male deputy when he came to her house on a noise complaint in 2006. After he left, she called 911 to see if the dispatcher could give her his name. It didn't work.
If you’re robbing a house and the homeowner unexpectedly returns, the typical response is to beat feet out of there as fast as you possibly can. But for Portland, Oregon crook Timothy Chapek, who got interrupted while he was taking a shower in the house he was burglarizing, 911 offered a different solution. The dim-witted crook called the police and told them that he just broke into a house and was worried because he thought the owners had guns. Said homeowner, Hilary Mackenzie, called 911 herself and had them come and take care of her unexpected guest.
When you’re horny, sometimes you’ll go to any length to get satisfaction. But Tampa, Florida man Joshua Basso probably should have thought about his plan to call 911 and ask them to send “sexy female deputies” over a little harder. The obviously inebriated Basso called 911 seven times in one evening to request sexual favors from the police, and when they finally came to put him in cuffs he explained that 911 was the only number he could call because he didn’t pay his phone bill.
We had to close this with the most epic case of 911 idiocy ever recorded. Jarvis Sutton spent the night of April 27th with a serious case of the munchies. Lacking any other delivery numbers, he decided to call 911 on a food-related emergency. Sutton asked the bemused operator if she could deliver him a hamburger and some Kool-Aid. When the operator hung up, Sutton called back with the same request. And then did it 78 more times – throwing in a request or two for some nice kush while he was at it. Eventually, cops came and hauled him off to jail, but his munchies didn’t go away. He caused some damage to the police cruiser by chewing on the foam surrounding the metal bars in the back of the car.