When it comes to salacious and depraved stories of the sort of degeneracy that would make your beloved grandmother collapse onto her fainting couch, rock stars have everyone else beat. I mean, it basically comes with the territory. As soon as you strap on a guitar you’re pretty much expected to become some sort of a crazed sex pervert. And while some stories – like Rod Stewart getting a pint of semen pumped out of his stomach – are just urban myths, the true stories are even worse. And here are some of the worst, most depraved rock star stories of them all.
Photo credit: alisonmsweard12, Flickr
Not only was R. Kelly dumb enough to tape himself boning an underage girl, but he went the extra creepy route and pissed on the poor lass. Somehow he managed to beat the charges and has spent most of his career since pumping out hilariously weird and embarrassing odes to his own self-righteous indignation. Still, whenever you think of R. Kelly what’s the first thing you think of? That’s what I thought.
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons
I included Zeppelin as a whole here because really, their depravity cannot be confined to one simple act by one simple member. Oh no. First, you have your garden variety Dateline story – all too common in the world of rock and roll – about guitarist Jimmy Page shacking up with a fourteen year-old which makes sense when you consider... wait, it doesn’t make any sense at all. My bad. Then you have your more eclectic stories, such as the one about Robert Plant supposedly stuffing a dead mud shark up the hooha of a groupie. Where does one even get a dead mudshark? Plus, I’m guessing that would cause a serious UTI. There’s not enough cranberry juice in the world to deal with the aftereffects of a dead shark dildo. What would that even be classified as? Beastiality or necrophilia? Both? Let’s just move on…
Photo credit: p_a_h, Flickr
That fancy word there – “Asphixiophilia” – is the classy way of saying that the dude died after trying to get a boner while hanging himself. Hutchence, the lead singer of INXS, was found dangling from a noose, presumably pantsless, which is how I understand George Washington went out back in the day. I mean, I get it, things probably get weird on the road. Plain old missionary sex probably gets a little boring when it comes so easy day after day, but I’m not sure what would prompt a man to see a bunch of rope and get sprung. Then again, at least he didn’t involve some poor teenage runaway like half the dudes on this list so all in all - in the world of rock and roll anyway - jerking off with a noose around your neck is positively puritanical.
Photo credit: YouTube/INXS
Bill Wyman, the bass player for The Rolling Stones, didn’t just do the dirty deed with a teenager. No, he did the proper thing according to the screwed up code of rock and roll and married the girl once she was old enough. Of course, by that time he was a middle aged man, sort of the rich and powerful version of Courtney Stodden’s sad old man husband, but he could have just walked away after boning the poor girl when she was thirteen. But no, he did the honorable thing and kept on boning her until he could legally put a ring on it, and by honorable I of course mean depraved. Ah, true love…
Photo credit: YouTube
The only reason why Michael Jackson isn’t higher here is because he was never actually convicted of being an unrepentant sex fiend. Sure, we all know he did that shit (allegedly), tossing around Percocet and Jesus Juice and fingering poor Bubbles the Chimp while riding roller coasters in his backyard with little boys and then forcing them to put his nose back on after it flew off into the bushes, but he always managed to walk away from all of that with his freedom, if not his dignity. At best, even assuming improbably that he never did any of that, he’s still on record as saying that he routinely slept in the same bed with little boys and that he thought that was perfectly natural so… yeah, the dude was still pretty depraved. Also, he totally did all that other stuff (allegedly). Don’t even front.
Photo credit: rafael rozendaal, Wikimedia Commons
Oh God, this dude is literally banned from just about every country in Asia because he has been busted so many times for banging little kids. I mean, think about it, how horrible of a depraved monster do you have to be to be banned from Bangkok? I mean, Jesus Christ! That place is like sex fiend Disney Land, only with more costumes and pantsless ducks. And not even they will tolerate his depravity. Just think about all of that the next time you’re singing along to that stupid “Hey!” song of his at the big game.
Photo credit: YouTube
Yes, that’s right, Steven Tyler got his underage girlfriend’s parents to legally sign custody of their beloved daughter over to him just so he could bang her. Look, I’m going to be honest, I don’t understand how any of that could possibly be legal. I mean this poor girl’s parents basically gave her away as a sex slave to Steven Tyler. I don’t even wanna know what in the hell he talked about with her teachers at the Parent-Teacher Conferences. “I’m sorry, Mr. Tyler, but your daughter said she couldn’t finish her English homework because you tied her to the bed and sang 'Sweet Emotion' while you made love to her while Joe Perry played with his 'guitar' in the corner.” And that probably wasn’t soap he washed her mouth out with whenever she sassed him. Too far? Okay, let’s just move on.
Photo credit: Public Domain, Flickr
Sure, it’s fun to laugh at Rick James and I know each and every one of you has quoted that Chappelle’s Show sketch until your friends wanted to karate kick you in the chest, but it’s actually sort of scary that this dude existed in real life. Just ask the poor lady who he tied to a chair and then burned with a hot crack pipe. And then, the animal untied her and forced her to perform oral sex on his girlfriend. I could make some semi-clever quip about him being cold blooded or a super-freak, but frankly I’m too appalled. I mean… Jesus, really?
Photo credit: YouTube/Rick James
Yeah. Jerry Lee Lewis one-upped every other rock and roll degenerate with this one. First things first – he didn’t just bang a teenager, he banged a teenager that was barely even in junior high. This wasn’t a dude slipping up and boning a 17 year-old at one of his shows after he forgot to ask for ID. Second, at least Bill Wyman waited a few years before marrying his child-bride. Not Jerry Lee, though. No, he had her in front of a minister before she could tell her Barbie about the weird old man who showed her his thing. Third, he didn’t just marry a thirteen year-old, he married his thirteen year-old cousin. His thirteen year old-cousin! Naturally, it ruined his career since even in the world of rock and roll people tend to look down on that sort of thing. His thirteen year old-cousin! I need to take about thirteen showers and then cry a little. Good Lord.
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons