Every bro enjoys ripping on his friends when the moment calls for it, but there’s a fine line between poking fun at a fellow bro who just pissed the bed and making said bro drink a piss-filled yellow-Gatorade for no reason other than personal entertainment.
While both maybe funny, the later will always leave a stain on the friendship — one that won’t easily come out in the laundry.
When it comes to what to do and what not to do against your fellow bros, bro law is a bit hazy because most guys have a high tolerance for shit giving.
Nonetheless, these are 10 crimes you should know not to commit against your fellow bro:
1. Sleeping with the ex
Any bro who’s going to stoop this low better make sure that their friend’s ex-girlfriend is a certified 10, although even that doesn’t warrant justifying taking action in most cases (really depends on how good of a friend you consider this bro).
There are plenty of attractive and willing females out there, guys, don’t go chasing the one that’s been with your friend just because she knows you well and there’s always been some sexual tension. These are bad reasons to take action, so don’t do it. This decision will only leave you feeling hollow and like a dick, no matter how good she is in bed.
She could literally give you the best ride of your life and I’d bet $100 that you’d still be apologizing to your bro the next day for what you did. And chances are, he won’t be forgiving you even if he says he does. Try enjoying the ride with that on your conscious.
2. Stepping away from a fight
Unless your bro asks you repeatedly to step down and walk away — that he wants to handle a situation by himself, you better always have his back in a fight.
Leaving a bro to get his ass kicked by a group of several other dudes is the most cowardly action one can make, and just as bad as sleeping with his ex. And if you don’t believe me, then just ask one of your friends what he’d consider most reprehensible.
Note: Even if he does ask you not to intervene, you should stick around just in case he really does need your support.
3. Ratting him out
The proverbial “Big 3” can really go in any order. A gangster would tell you that ratting on your friend is the biggest crime you can commit, but I’d like to think most of us aren’t pretending that we’re a part of the Italian mafia in the 1950s.
Jokes aside, it doesn’t matter what your bro did and what your opinions are of his actions. All that matters is keeping it a secret, something between just you and him if it’s possible. A chatty bro — one who spreads information, true or false — is one who isn’t going to have many friends in the long term. Show your loyalty and keep your mouth shut.
4. Stabbing, shooting, etc.
I think this goes without saying, but I feel like it has to be included here for the sake of liability. The last thing I want is to come across a headline that goes something like, “Man justifies stabbing friend after reading BroBible article.”
Stabbing your friends or pushing them off a rooftop isn’t cool; neither is shooting them — unless it’s with a paintball gun. If you want to do any of these things to your fellow bros, you’re more than likely a sadist and you should be proactive and get a lawyer.
5. Leaving the bar tab
If a bro doesn’t remember to pay his tab because he’s blackout and uncontrollably stumbles off, it’s tolerated yet still not acceptable behavior and he should be given a lot of shit the following morning.
It’s a whole different beast when a friend knowingly manipulates his bro to go out, racks up a hefty tab and asks him to cover the check because “something came up last minute.” Leaving a bar tab unpaid is probably the cheapest thing a guy can do because he knows somebody else will have to pick it up for him eventually.
In case you’re ever in the scheming mood and think this isn’t that bad of an idea, remember the golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated. You wouldn’t want to be left with the tab, so don’t leave others with it.
6. Stealing money or pawning possessions
These two could stand-alone but for the sake of space I’ll group them together because they represent the same basic concept, which the 10 commandments do a nice job of spelling out: thou shall not steal.
It’s a pretty basic concept, but it always alarms me how many people, when put in a dire financial situation, steal from their friends. Is it supposed to be less of a crime because the person knows you and likes you? On the contrary, I think it makes it worse because it shows that really, when push comes to shove, you’re nothing more than a piggy bank or ATM in their eyes.
While we’re here, stealing your friend’s valued possessions and selling them to a pawn deal for some quick money is one of the most heinous actions a bro can ever make. Not trying to be the voice of reason, but it really is reprehensible.
7. Failing to shoot Free Willy
This probably isn’t as bad as some of the other crimes on this list but it definitely warrants a spot, because bros should not let fellow bros go home with fatties — at least not without looking them in the eye and confirming that this is something they want to go through with even they know the consequences.
While you need to do everything in your power to stop a friend from fucking Free Willy, it’s not a crime if you can’t prevent him from going ahead with what he wants to do. This is America after all.
8. Inviting the ex to a party
Perhaps this one should be higher, but sometimes circumstances dictate that she has to be there no matter how much it pisses your bro off. With that said, this is a crime if you openly invite your bros ex out to a party or a bar when you know he can’t stand her and when you know it will ruin his night, and potentially the night of others.
I can’t really see too much good coming from having any communication with a bro’s ex. While we’re on the subject…
9. Allowing him to drunk dial or drunk text
While communication with the ex is not banned, it’s not suggested especially when a friend is drunk and lonely.
When looking out for your bros best interests, its best to keep him away from doing something he will regret in the morning. Therefore, it’s a crime when you don’t intervene and prevent him from making a mistake you know he will beat himself up over later.
Every bro should strive to help their fellow bros get over the hump of a relationship ending, and allowing him to drunk dial will only make him wallow in self loathing for even longer.
10. Being a cock block
Cock blocking your bro should be punishable by law and that punishment should involved blunt force trauma.