I’ve got bad news for you, friends: the world is going to end. Well, probably not today, but you never know. And when it does end, it will probably be in a way that nobody sees coming. Everyone thinks it will be an asteroid or aliens showing up like space Hitlers or the sun exploding, but no one really knows. It’s just as likely that it will be something completely insane (unlike the sanity of space Hitler, I guess.) And while that means that, by nature, I probably can’t tell you exactly how it’s going to happen, what I can tell you is that these are seven completely insane ways the world could actually end.
Hypernova
You all know what a supernova is, right? That’s when a star dies and all that energy that makes a star a star explodes, which looks pretty from far away, sure, but it’s probably not so great for any alien planets nearby. Well, a hypernova is the term for when what’s known as a hypergiant star explodes.
Why would this be bad? Well, a hypergiant star is, uh, hypergiant, which in technical, scientific terms means that it’s fucking huge, bros. And when something that big decides to blow, the explosion is much more massive, with a farther reaching impact. You see where I’m going?
The theory goes that a hypernova would produce massive gamma ray bursts, which are bursts of radiation that would shoot through space, devouring everything in their path. Now, the good news is that a hypernova has never actually been observed, so it’s just a theory. The bad news is that some experts think this has actually happened before, and that Earth was totally fucked up by it.
Yes, almost 500 million years ago, something called the Ordovician-Silurian Extinction Event took place (which, by the way, is one of at least a half dozen “extinction events” in the history of the planet) and it is believed that one of the causes may have been a rapid disintegration of the ozone layer, which is one of the prime effects of massive gamma ray bombardment.
So, yes, a giant star thousands of light years away could explode (or, if you really want to fuck with your head, already exploded thousands of years ago and just hasn’t gotten here yet because it’s, well, thousands of light years away.) and that would pretty much be it for us. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Mercury Colliding With Earth
Wait… what?
Yeah, this could actually happen. It probably won’t, but it could, at least according to recent simulations of planetary movement. The idea goes something like this: as the planets orbit the sun, sometimes they get a little closer to each other than other times, and since Jupiter is a goddamn monster, its gravitational pull could mess with Mercury and pull it out of orbit. If this were to happen, there would be several different possible outcomes, one of which would be Mercury smashing into Earth like the universe’s nastiest asteroid.
It’s believed that the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs was only 15km or so, so a goddamn planet crashing into Earth would just wreck all our shit, bros. There would literally be no more Earth if this happened.
Those recent simulations I mentioned give this only a 1% chance of happening over the sun’s lifespan, but still, if Lloyd Christmas was able to find hope in a one in a million shot back in the day, one in a hundred doesn’t sound that far-fetched. Maybe we should bomb Mercury. And Jupiter. You know, just to be safe. Also, we should take their oil.
Experimental Technology
When I say experimental, I mean “stealing the power of God” sort of tech. That may sound ridiculous, but right now there are scientists trying to literally create mini-universes within our own. The most famous of this experimental tech is probably the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, where scientists are doing all manner of wild shit that would blow your mind.
One of these mind-blowers is the creation of mini-black holes (yeah…) which could theoretically start a chain-reaction that sees the planet and everything in the known universe get sucked inside. Well… shit.
Now, I’m not saying that scientists should stop all this experimentation because how else are we going to beat the alien Hitlers when they show up? What I am saying is that I don’t want to get sucked into a black hole the size of a pinhead. I don’t know, I guess I’m just weird like that.
Dark Nebula
A dark nebula is a cloud of cosmic dust so thick that light can’t penetrate it. There are actual patches in the sky that appear totally black, even to the most powerful telescopes. This is not because they are empty, but because the stars can’t be seen behind the dark nebula cloud.
The problem with a dark nebula is that we could theoretically pass through one, which could cause all kinds of wild shit to happen. The sun could be totally blocked out, in which case we’re suddenly a giant ball of ice, the dust itself could cause havoc, choking the atmosphere and plunging us into another ice age, or the ozone layer might get shredded. There are lots of different ways a dark nebula can be a dick.
It’s even been theorized that this happened before, and may be a cause of some of those extinction events I mentioned earlier. So, yes, we could end up being finished off by the universe dumping its version of a cat-litter box onto us. Thanks a lot, Space Obama.
False Vacuum
Look, I could explain what a false vacuum state is to you, but I’d need a lot more words and a lot more weed. So, instead, I’ll just let this nerd robot explain it to you.
Anyway, if our universe is indeed in a false vacuum state, it could potentially be disrupted by more stable states, which would cause crazy shit to happen, we’d all die, the universe itself would cease to exist and we’d all need more weed to get through it, only weed would no longer exist and, my god, isn’t that the truest definition of the apocalypse?
Colony Collapse
This one is scary because it might actually be happening. Basically, colony collapse is what happens when an entire species is incapable of sustaining itself, causing the species – or colony – to collapse, which is what is going on with honey-bees right now all across the world.
Hey, a world without bees stinging you! Awesome! Well, not so much. You see, the problem is that bees are the ones who pollinate our plants for us. Once bees go, so do all those plants. Once all those plants go, so does our food supply. Once our food supply goes, we’re eating each other, and even though there are billions of us, that’s going to go surprisingly quick.
Basically, we’re talking about a chain reaction here, and the insane part is that it could all start with simple honey-bees, and the really insane part is that it may have already started. And that is why I ate my neighbors.
Artificial Intelligence
Look, even Stephen Hawking thinks this will probably happen and he’s already 90% robot so he would know. Yes, Terminator might end up being a documentary and the thing is, is that we might not be able to do anything to stop it. It might be too late already.
You see, technology keeps accelerating and growing at an exponential rate, and many scientists and crackpots have concluded that a singularity is inevitable, a moment when all that technology becomes self-aware and starts calling the shots for us.
Is there a chance that we could end up with benevolent robot overlords who just want to love and take care of us? Sure. But let’s face it, we’re a species of assholes, and the only logical step for the robots to take is to eradicate our asshole genes from the universe.
Sure, some of us may survive as slaves, but is that any kind of existence, bros? And that’s why we have to stop the machines before it’s too late, and… wait, I have to go. I just got a text notification, my Twitter is blowing up and I have to ask Siri how to pre-order the new Sony VR and then research self-driving cars on the Internet before ordering my new sex robot. Thank god we’re not slaves yet.
Apocalypse image by Shutterstock; Energy sphere image by Shutterstock