ISIS Getting Obliterated So Badly That Their Fighters Seek Fake Doctor’s Notes To Get Out Of Battle

by 2 years ago

Tough times to be a member of ISIS. The great caliphate is having some financial issues and have had to cut costs. The terrorist organization has asked their fighters to cut electricity consumption and to stop driving official vehicles for personal use. That’s right, no more using the company Toyota pick-up truck with an anti-aircraft gun soldered to the back to go grab a few Malted Marshmallow Milk Chocolate shakes from Shake Shack for the boys. ISIS also had to cut salaries by 50 percent. Plus they’re getting bombarded to shit on the daily from a number of countries. All of these things are real morale downers, and it has caused many Daesh fighters to lose their will to fight, even call in sick.

If you’re an ISIS fighter, you don’t just get a verbal warning when you don’t show up to work. You get frozen to death. When members of Daesh attempted to flee a battle in Iraq, they were captured by their fellow soldiers and then locked inside a forensic freezer for an entire day until they froze to death. Talk about getting the cold shoulder from your disappointed boss. Let it go dude.

So a number of ISIS fighters are trying to get an excused absence from battle. A document states that a number of ISIS members have been trying to get falsified doctor’s notes “in order to avoid frontline duty.”

A memo was intercepted showed that some Islamic State fighters would call out sick and rather play Call of Duty at home instead of engage in actual warfare.

“To the doctor brothers in Wilayat al-Kheir. We remind you that the medical report is tantamount to a witness statement and any doctor whose report we discover to be untrue will be held to account.”

Looks like no more, “I’m serious doc, I really suffered an abdominal strain sliding into home at the annual Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant softball game on Sunday. There’s no way I could strap on a suicide belt without a good deal of discomfort. Ohhh! Owww! It hurts just touching it.”

ISIS fighters, they’re just like you and me! Minus that whole death to any society not practicing Sharia law part, beheading anyone who opposes them, crucifying children, burying people alive, burning people alive, promoting sex slavery, forcing women and children into marriage with their fighters, harvesting organs and selling them on the black market, plundering artifacts and selling them to fund a war machine, destroying centuries old irreplaceable World Heritage Sites, throwing gay men off of buildings, forcing children as young as 6-years-old to be fighters, encouraging and funding terrorist attacks around the world and committing genocide. Alright, so maybe we just share a common interest of acquiring a fake doctor’s note to get out of work and a love of Nutella.

[Gawker via Brandon]


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