An Open Letter to Jon Taffer, From a Bar Owner Who May or May Not Actually Exist
I’m writing to you because my bar/restaurant The Seaweed Dome is just two weeks away from closing its doors for good. I need the help of you and the rest of the Bar Rescue experts to help save me from financial ruin and turn around the SWD (Seaweed Dome) for good!
When we opened six years ago we were pulling in close to $12,000 a month. We had special events (“Dress as a Different Race Night” was a hit) and guest bartenders (Paul Wahlberg and Matt Damon’s trainer, to name a few). But then because of some poor investments (Tom Cruise themed waterslide, rentable lions) and some unfortunate repairs (the dome roof has collapsed several times) we have been losing money steadily. I’ve put my house on the line and the bank is close to taking everything. I’m desperate!
A little about the bar itself:
We are a restaurant during the day with a focus on family style eating. Our specials include the Big Daddy Seaweed Plate (fried fish and french fries), the Cat’s Meow (fried catfish and french fries) and Fry Me a River (french fries in a bowl). When the sun goes down we make things 21+ and encourage our patrons to hit up our dance floor. The floor itself is a little rundown as it still has some bloodstains from a mid-summer stabbing in 2010.
At just over 4,000 square feet we are known for having the biggest bathrooms in the country. In fact, they’re so big, most people have enough room to both inject themselves with drugs and have group sex in them. You gotta be known for something, right!?
Our hard working and deserve the SWD to be a roaring success. Our bartenders love making their special “Rum and Whatever” which consists of spiced rum and a special powder that makes your legs tingle. We had to stop serving the lethal cocktail for a short period after someone had a violent seizure while drinking it. But since there was never any conclusive evidence as to what actually caused the seizure, we’re back at it!
I’m a hard working family man (3 kids, a beautiful wife and an even more beautiful ex-wife) who will stop at nothing to turn my dream of running a successful bar and grill in to a reality. When you run a Google search on me you may see I’ve been arrested for several violent crimes but I can assure you that they were almost entirely not my fault. Well, except for the time I broke that guy’s nose with a bag of frozen shrimp, that was…my bad. But really, I’m a changed man and since February of 2014, I haven’t assaulted one single person. Except for the guy whose wrist I twisted really hard, but he was a dick.
So Jon, I ask you, I beg you, please come down and help save the Seaweed Dome. I want to get back to the days when people would be excited about our bar and call me to ask if “tonight is the night we use blackface or redface?”
In conclusion, I’m just a hardworking American who loves seafood, getting into a drunken fight and attending parole meetings every other weekend while my children wonder if this is the day I’ll finally tell them I love them. And isn’t that what this great country is all about?
Thank you for your time.
Owner of the Seaweed Dome
Captain of SWD Ballers: A Men’s Slowpitch Softball Powerhouse (Record 165-87)