We Can All Sleep Easy Tonight, Lindsay Lohan Solved The Deadly Plague Of Terrorism By Writing A Poem About ISIS

by 10 months ago

When you think of the great political philosophers and thinkers in history, names such as John Locke, Henry David Thoreau, Mahatma Gandhi Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and Thomas Paine come to mind. You may now add Lindsay Lohan to this esteemed list.

The deadly plague known as Islamic State has unleashed a blanket of hate, slaughter, and destruction across the planet. The toxic terrorist group has not only been a legitimate threat to the Middle East, but their shadowy grasp has reached Europe, Africa, and the United States. The most educated ideologues, distinguished diplomats, and political leaders from around the globe have struggled mightily to quash the stranglehold that Daesh has had for the past couple of years in Syria and Iraq. Well, step aside world leaders, Lindsay Lohan is rolling up her sleeves and ready to lend her expertise to solve this menacing geopolitical quagmire.

You see, Lindsay is now an expert on Syrian refugees. Mintanine, a German energy drink, supplies their product to LiLo’s nightclub in Athens, Greece, which is of course named “Lohan.” Mintanine allegedly partnered with Lohan so that she could make a humanitarian visit to Syrian refugee camps in Turkey to offer the energy drink to refugees.

“There’s hardly food, water or anything” else at the camp, explained a source close to Lohan. “so at this point sending anything is helpful.” The drink is said to be described as “blue caffeine lemonade.”

Linz has begun writing poems to help solve the dire situation. While some are surprised that LiLo can eve write, the Mean Girls actress proved her detractors wrong by penning a poem that will fix “all of these idle Isis minds.”

The sagacious words of Lindsay Lohan are sure to quell the odious hearts of ISIS, the same group that beheads anyone who opposes them, crucifies children, buries people alive, burns people alive, promotes sex slavery, coerces women into marriage with their fighters, harvests organs and sells them on the black market, plunders artifacts and sells them to fund a war machine, destroys centuries-old irreplaceable World Heritage Sites, throws gay men off of buildings, forces children as young as 6-years-old to be fighters, encourages and funds terrorist attacks around the world, and commits genocide.

Prepare to open your hearts and minds to the words that will usher in world peace.

“sometimes i hear the voice of the one i loved the most/but in this world we live in of terror…who i am to be the girl who is scared and hurt…when most things that happen i cannot explain. than i realise, at least i am in a bed…i am still alive…so what can really be said? just go to bed and close the blinds…still and so on, i cannot help but want to fix all of these idle isis minds…because…there has to be something i can figure out…rather than living in a world of fear and doubt…they now shoot, we used to shout. Despite her despair at the state of the world, she concluded her poem on a positive note, writing…if only i can keep trying to fix it all…i would keep the world living loving and small…i would share my smiles and give too Many kisses.”

If the energy drinks aren’t powerful enough, these words definitely are.

Before you can fix idle ISIS minds, you might want to fix your grammar. It’s “then,” not “than.”

Everyone give up your thoughts and ambitions of winning the Nobel Peace Prize because LiLo just took home the hardware.


TAGSDaeshisilIsisIslamic StateLindsay LohanTerrorism

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