President Obama Must Thank the Bros
I’m tucking my button down into my jeans and giving up. Despite the White House’s optimism, the economy still sucks. (19% of Americans say the economy is “Excellent/Good” and 55% of people say the economy is getting worse, according to Gallup).
How is this possible? My stimulus bro wolfpack pumps about $500 worth of shots into the GD economy every Saturday night. Every single weekend. Anecdotal observation tells me yours does too.
Let’s do some quick math. Approximately 21 million men age 20-29 inhabit the U.S. (according to the 2010 U.S. Census). I’d say 69% of these men are bros that like shots. If each of these bros buys one, $75 round of shots per weekend, for 47 weekends out of the year, that means U.S. bros spend $4.890375e+10 annually on shots. The number is too big for my fucking iPhone calculator to display properly.
(Note: We’ll give the average bro five weekends per year off due to family commitments, studying for the CFP exam and unforeseen illnesses. We’ll also assume a $75 baseline as the average cost of a round of shots. College bros probably pay less per round and rich bros obviously spend more. Hardcore bros also buy more than one $75 round per weekend, but I wanted to give a conservative estimate.)
Bros spend $48,903,750,000 per year on shots. At least.
So last Tuesday, as I was listening to the SOTU address while bending over my New Year’s resolution of doing more elliptical cardio, I became a little perturbed. I heard a lot of things. The minimum wage is possibly rising to $10.15, when women succeed America succeeds, it’s a year of action, and that the economy is slowly recovering, etc. etc.
Two words I didn’t hear: Thank You. Thank you, bros, for spending $49 billion per year on shots.
As my sweat flew and the girl next to me glared, I slammed the virtual light-up track mocking me with my fist and thought: “Hey BO. How do you think we’d be doing if bros decided to stay in and play Candy Crush Saga instead of crushing Rumpleminz with random babes? I haven’t splurged on new $70 workout Nikes in 10 years, + thus have toughed out shin splints, because I need to save the money for fucking Fireballs. While the rest of the country wavered and became stingy with their disposable income, my fellow bros’ consumer confidence remained strong. Shots. Full steam ahead. Memories are worth credit card debt. #NoRegrets.”
The President simply needs to thank us. He meets with lobbyists and NGOs and PACs on the reg. It’s time he recognizes BROs.
Now, I don’t want the President to go too far out of his way to say thank you. He has a country to run after all, and I’d appreciate the ROI on my medium-risk mutual fund portfolio to increase instead of receiving a personal thank you. But I still think a quick note of gratitude is in order.
Here’s how he can easily do it: Make one of the weekly emails the White House sends (usually about the Affordable Care Act, new legislation, behind-the-scenes photos, etc.) a thank you letter to bros.
White House staff: Here’s a letter you can email your database. You can take this verbatim. Ten point jump in the approval ratings, guaranteed.
Dear Bros of America:
Today I’m writing to you with a clear message. Thank you. I don’t care if you’re Republican or Democrat, rich or poor, in favor of the Affordable Care Act or against it. Buying shots is a bipartisan, American celebration. Now I’ve seen the budget reports. I know those $150 Friday night line items aren’t romantic dinners at Trattoria Sapori. You young bros are out there doing work. Playing the field. That’s good. I met Michelle at the law firm we both worked at in Chicago in 1988, and I’d be lying if I said a few happy hour Washington Apples didn’t help move things along.
Back to business. I’m sorry we’ve added an extra burden to your formative years. Maybe you took a few unpaid internships, lived with a few questionable bros and/or had to illegally stream Entourage because you couldn’t afford HBO. I know you still bought shots during these trying times, and I sincerely appreciate that. Like you, this great nation has endured its share of hardships, but we’ve always came out stronger. Together, we will again.
As we speak, my team is working to pass legislation to improve the economy, create jobs and make sure each generation of bro children is better off than the last. Your perseverance and commitment to stimulating the economy through shots throughout this Great Recession has me more than optimistic about this nation’s future.
As I stated in my SOTU, this is the year of action. I’d like to personally thank you again for your past actions, and I hope buying shots gets you some action at the bar soon. God bless you, bros, and God bless America.