Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
This roll the clock back is fantastic. I say we do it every Saturday night. Who's in.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) November 4, 2013
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I’m down.
Worst things to happen to mankind: 1. Dating 2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's eyebrows in Looper 3. Dating
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 4, 2013
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Yeah, those eyebrows. Wow.
Fuck Barneys! I'm more likely to buy Jay Z's new cologne, from the deceased Barney of Mayberry! Before I purchase from Barney's of New York.
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) November 4, 2013
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Arsenio doesn’t like Barney’s apparently.
Probably don't want to "vajazzle" after a certain age or it'll just look like bacon hanging from a disco ball.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 4, 2013
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Oh my, bad visual imagery happening here.
As soon as I check into a hotel I throw all the blankets and sheets on the floor so housekeeping knows I’m not down with their “Green plan.”
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) November 4, 2013
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So rebellious.
Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 4, 2013
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This is true.
If I was one of the terrorists on Homeland Id go after the teenage girl because of annoying.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) November 5, 2013
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Makes perfect sense to me.
i'm trying to remember the last time i enjoyed watching Dwight Howard play in person. I think it was like 2009.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) November 5, 2013
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Go further back that that.
How to get laid in new york. Tell girls you are banksy. Then make " shhhhhh" motion w index finger. Works 65% of time. Thats good enough
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) November 5, 2013
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65% is a pretty good rate of success.
There was a time when I was thin. Sure I was six years old, but I’m confident I can get back in those clothes.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) November 5, 2013
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What happens to us after the age of six anyway?
Sometimes little things seem to make a big difference but they don't really.
— Gary Busey (@THEGaryBusey) November 5, 2013
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Buseyism.
If you really think about it, Punk, metal and country are all kind of the same… Just different brands of whiskey
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) November 5, 2013
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Food for thought.
Dear cast of the Entourage movie and Dylan McDermott: you guys know it takes less time to just fucking shave, right?
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) November 5, 2013
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But they wouldn’t look as cool.
Rob Ford is such an audacious, bumbling fool he would never be a mayor in America. He would be president.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
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Also true.
This whole NFL hazing scandal would have never happened if the league would take my advise and let the players kiss each other
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 5, 2013
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That might be overshooting the goal a little bit.
why does THOR need that leather leash at the end of his hammer? do gods hang their tools up in the shed after realm hopping? #tosh
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) November 5, 2013
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This is a great question.
Everyone knows when you hold a press conference for smoking crack you ALWAYS wear a tie with the logo of a NFL team with a racist name.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 5, 2013
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Especially if you’re from Canada.
Can somebody please do a precise statistical breakdown on what percentage of professional athletes are worthless pieces of shit?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
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I’m betting it’s at least 50%.
In a HUGE victory for Obamacare, I just rubbed my firm nude bottom on the window of a crowded coffee shop.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 6, 2013
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#GetCovered.
Been on a small speck of land for weeks now. So gorgeous but missing my animals and ramen and tacos and lasagna and husband in that order.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 6, 2013
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Seems about right.
My favorite part of Last Vegas was my friend whispering "he has pussy eating cancer" every time Michael Douglas was on screen.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 6, 2013
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Tell me that didn’t make you laugh a little.
If a girl has "miss" in front of her name on instagram, she doesn't have a job but somehow can afford slutty bathing suits
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) November 7, 2013
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How does that happen?
Why do my daughters have my three digit security code on my credit card? what kind of racket are they running?
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) November 7, 2013
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New cottage industry: Identity theft protection from our children.
Working on a reboot of "The Crucible" starring Richie Incognito.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) November 7, 2013
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That could be gold.
Lady Gaga is set to be the first singer to perform in space AND she's bringing hair and make-up. I think I need new representation!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) November 7, 2013
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No, we’d just do anything to shoot Gaga into space.
I wish Chris Farley were still alive for a lot of reasons, but today it is so he could do a Rob Ford sketch this weekend on SNL.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) November 7, 2013
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That would have been beautiful.
I'm concerned that we're confusing 'bullies' with 'a-holes.'
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 7, 2013
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There is a distinction between the two.
I have a rational fear of drunk people
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) November 8, 2013
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As we all should.
ON YOUR KEYBOARD, TO YOUR LEFT THERE'S A KEY WHICH READS 'CAPLOCKS', PRESS IT ONCE. RT @kanyewest: I DO NOT HAVE AN INSTAGRAM…
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 8, 2013
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YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID.
Quick Reminder: Having a fat ass is a good thing
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) November 8, 2013
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Well, that’s good news for many people.
When the country is done with the state of the art Incognito Investigation Team can we then assign them to the Benghazi incident?
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) November 8, 2013
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Seems like a solid plan.
Planet Earth is the ONLY vacation spot for advanced clowns.
— Gary Busey (@THEGaryBusey) November 8, 2013
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Have a great weekend, everybody!