Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
11 minutes and no boobs. Risky opening gambit, @GameofThrones, but I'm intrigued.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 7, 2014
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Oops, never mind. Literally seconds after my last tweet. #boobs @GameofThrones
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 7, 2014
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Patience, grasshopper.
Daenerys has more nicknames than Shaq in 1999-2000.
— J.A. Adande (@jadande) April 7, 2014
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And is just as fun to watch.
“Meredith Vieira covered in garlic aioli” is my most vowel-heavy sexual fantasy.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 7, 2014
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Ummm…. uh… okay.
If anyone wants karate sex lessons, I'll be in LA this afternoon.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) April 7, 2014
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HI-YA!
Me (handing over pen): "Here you go, sir." Man: "Aw you don't have to call me sir." Me: "I was being polite." Man: "You must be Canadian."
— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) April 7, 2014
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True. You never hear the term, ugly Canadian.
Get as much work done as possible today so you can sit at home and day drink on friday.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) April 7, 2014
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Not a bad way to plan the week.
Curious that only in the world of politics is your importance measured by the number of people who want to kill you.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) April 7, 2014
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Maybe that’s why no one wants to be President.
@Kayden_Kross I want to have a pizza delivered there so much right now.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) April 7, 2014
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The creative process at work.
Do one thing every day that would make a priest vomit.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 7, 2014
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Also a solid way to plan your week.
One in six Americans can't locate the Ukraine on a map. Why bother? In a few weeks it'll just be labeled Russia.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) April 8, 2014
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He’s joking, but he may have a point.
I bet Derek the RA is stumbling drunk right now.
— Seth Davis (@SethDavisHoops) April 8, 2014
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He’s referring to THIS.
I’m about three minutes into Strippers vs Werewolves and I already HATE it. Not even the hot chick villain from Superman 2 can save it…
— Chris Jericho (@IAmJericho) April 8, 2014
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In other news there’s a film called Strippers vs. Werewolves.
Mind if I light a candle? I’m in the mood to do a little farting 😉
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 8, 2014
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Ever the romantic.
Literally, I just said, out loud, "oh my god, I just got the cutest coachella clothes today!" And now I am embarrassed and ashamed.
— Alexandra Daddario (@AADaddario) April 8, 2014
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She should be.
Great acting in "Noah." Giraffe #2 was incredible.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 8, 2014
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He’s this year’s Oscar sleeper.
Watching 'Friends' on Nick at Nite. Ross is jealous of Mark. He should be. Mark is totes DTF.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 8, 2014
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Ohhh I hate that Mark!
Farting is so 80's.
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) April 8, 2014
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I beg to differ.
I don't mean to brag, but I did get invited to LinkedIn last night.
— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) April 8, 2014
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She has arrived.
Picture the face Kim Kardashian makes when she cries. Now picture her making that face while having diarrhea. You're welcome.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 8, 2014
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No. I won’t do it.
No. Kardashians are @Taj87: Beadle & her crusade to continue not accepting who @MikeVick is today is an example of what's wrong with America
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) April 8, 2014
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See? This is why.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR I LOVE YOU FOREVER #RIPULIMATEWARRIOR http://t.co/qMWO05ktJO
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) April 9, 2014
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RIP Warrior.
Matte black Tesla is a pretty expensive way to let everyone know that you are a knob
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 9, 2014
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Being a knob has no price tag.
How is there not a metal band called 'Meat Curtain'?
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) April 9, 2014
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Legitimate question.
I thought I was at Coachella last year until I realized I was drunkenly shoveling up dog shit in my backyard while listening to my iPod.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) April 9, 2014
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Easy mistake.
Going to London tomorrow for a vacation. Should be fun to go "down under."
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 9, 2014
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Umm…uh…never mind.
Some are dog-people, some are cat-people. Both are Frankenstein-like monsters.
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) April 10, 2014
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Hmmmm….
The Call to the Bullpen at Dodger stadium is "presented by Time Warner Cable", so most dodger fans can't see it.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) April 10, 2014
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Superb burn.
Just in case anyone forgot.. I'm 16
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) April 10, 2014
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How could we forget? Ohh…
Broke my foot, chipped a tooth and accidentally ingested it, going bald, and my penis is shrinking…. 28 ain't so bad
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) April 10, 2014
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And you’re only getting started.
I love NYC I just stepped in vomit and was proposed to by a homeless man simultaneously
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) April 10, 2014
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If you can make it there…
Why pay all that money & drive all the way to Coachella when I can get heatstroke & shit into a Happy Meal box in my garage?
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 10, 2014
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He just described my last two weekends.
i don't understand the katherine heigl thing. i wasn't aware i could sue when it's mentioned where I shopped. like should i sue popeyes
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 10, 2014
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Do it, Chrissy!
Craig Ferguson being paid a shit load of cash to not be chosen as host of late nite. And that is why he is my Idol. $ for no work, big $.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) April 10, 2014
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How does one get that job, by the way?
Everyone's asking when I'm replacing Colbert. And by "everyone" I mean my mom. And by "Colbert" I mean her vase I broke last time I was home
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) April 10, 2014
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I am now part of the “everyone.”
Nancy Grace YOU FAT DUMB BITCH I beat the fuck out of you talk bad about my wrestling brother. GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU DEAD DOG WHORE
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) April 10, 2014
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Have a wonderful weekend, everybody!