The Genuine Disingenuous Guy
This guy will make a killing in the insurance industry, but for now he’s forced to skillfully let people down by citing extreme circumstances as the reason he did not follow through on the stuff he was supposed to get done. Which you have a tough time questioning, because his apology email was about four paragraphs longer than the summary he was required to write.
Then again, he’s probably been keeping that long-winded excuse in his draft box for years.
Buzzword Bobby
Not to be confused with our own semi-contributor (and full-time yacht etiquette expert) Boatshoe Bobby, Buzzword Bobby has vertically integrated himself with all the possible synergies and bottom lines across the land. Nobody gets excited about B2B transactions and Q3 baseline projections quite like those who fall under the BB philosophical outfit, and your powerpoint will be all the more better for it. Or as BB would say, aesthetically expedited.
It should be noted of course, that the most “real” work Buzzword Bobby contributes is the illusion of contributing work. Though since this often translates into giving the professor the illusion that you guys know your stuff, your group needs this guy.
Unimportantly Busy Person
They just came from the gym, but now they got to go meet a friend out of town. Which is followed by a doubleheader of mandatory office hours and a concert they've had tickets for since forever.
This person seems pretty interesting in that Finch-in-American-Reunion “you wish you were taking as full advantage of life as me” way. That is, until you realize they do like one more thing than you. And it’s not like you’re unwilling to try part-time DJing–it’s just that taking that seriously means entering an entirely new realm of collegiate cluelessness.
Cat Got Your Tongue, Fury Got Your Email
Smart quiet kid, who for some reason lacks the assertiveness to take control as he so desires. The rest of the group is obviously a lot dumber and going in the complete wrong direction, so the only way to rectify the problem?
A. Make innocent, yet confident suggestions as to how to tweak
B. Send a highly critical email consisting of more words than you will ever speak to the group members in person
C. Make a series of references and one-off jokes regarding that bathshit crazy email that was just sent to the group
The best part about these emails is what comes after the fact–the no reply game will take hours at the least, but could sometimes stretch on out for days. It’s a true test of willpower, and in extreme cases, can even spawn a secondary thread–the aggressor of course, removed.
Ms. Exceeds Expectations
She’s very attractive, says little in class, and hangs out with a group of girls that often deploy the lethal combo of aesthetics and family privilege to get what they want in life–be it a man, and internship, or a grade they may not entirely deserve.
You’re not exactly thrilled you’ve been paired up with this one–sure she brings the eye candy, but you’re assuming she’ll contribute nothing to the group and walk away all just fine.
Except you realize this girl has a pretty solid brain, works with a ferocity that rivals Tyler, the Creator’s tweet game, and ends up being an all-around great contributor. You’re now the overly anti-feminist dick who discounts the multi-generational credo that is Protestant Work Ethic, and 2013 has made you out to be a (pleasantly surprised) fool.
You still have no shot with her outside this group, though.
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group project pic via shutterstock
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The Silent Genius
She’s innocent, way too nice, and you spend way too much time wishing she wore more revealing clothes. You’re also pretty sure she’s quietly been racking up the best grades in the class. In fact, judging by the way the Prof treats her (and her bashfully preserved reciprocity smiles) you know so.
Except because she hasn’t quite adjusted or jived with how college kids actually are, she’ll be way too intimidated by “hardened” students to give her two cents. She’ll do what’s told, but will by no means provide the genius spark you’d think a top draft pick would.
Snapback Sal
Depending on the school, he’ll be a certain type of Bro. Possibly extreme sports, possibly hockey, possibly straight frat. He’s the group project equivalent of lukewarm coffee–not the best, but provides the occasional morale boost and helps you power through as needed. By no means depend on him, but he’ll likely follow through to his (low) ability.
Critical Chrissy
Probably the worst person out of any of these. She’ll attend 25% of the meetings because a.) she’s the equivalent of that girl who was always sick and thus only attended about three months of middle school, or b.) you are all plebeians.
But despite the fact that she’s been off eating grapes while the rest of you have been slaving away, she manages to still retain the self-importance to point out all the flaws in the project–most of disapprovals consisting of incredibly vague and subjective statements like “this doesn’t work,” or “I don’t like this part,”, or “it just…I don’t like it.”
In-Group Bromance Dude
Under different circumstances, this guy might’ve been your best man. Instead, he’s the guy you quickly develop your own language with when meeting for group projects. Campus circumstances (different frats, friend networks) render it impossible for you to be actual friends, but when you see each other out you’ll talk in bold and all caps, and share an enthusiastic exchange about how much you guys dominated that project, and how the prof is a dick for giving you guys an 87. Fuck it, though.
The Tryhard SWUG
She fully embraces all aspects of SWUG life, one of which includes not responding to any emails, showing up to group seshes as they please, and uploading real-time partying pictures to social media at the same time the group is meeting. She’s so over it all, but only if you know about it.
Honorable Mention: The athlete who doesn’t come close to showing up, but it’s ok cause that game last weekend was pretty sick.
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